A symptom of my husband's mental disorder is that he 'self sabotages', meaning he has to basically ruin things or cause drama when things are going good.
Apparently, he told his mother that I was the only one smoking, lol. At least, he told me that, "Yeah she thinks it's just you and that I'm only a stress smoker." He failed to mention that he finds stress in everything and that he buys the packs for both of us.
Fine whatever, I'll be the bad guy.
We had a really big argument last night. REALLY big argument over the dumbest shit. I have seriously not gotten that crazy, adrenaline pumping mad, in a really long time.
This was not an opportunity where we could actually calmly talk. He straight off came to bed accusing me of being a liar and deceitful.
My friend and I were flying around in game to work on achievements that I hadn't completed. He was completely fine with that one minute, then not.
"You said you weren't going to ride his mount anymore."
"That's right, but I don't know where I'm going."
"Can't you just put him on follow?"
"Is this really a big deal?"
"It's what it implies. That you're comfortable going back to what things were."
As if that wasn't the catalyst for a huge shit storm.
My friend gives me an in game panda pet. Ok seriously, it's a fucking in game digital pet. I have like 400. Adding another one to the collection isn't that big of a deal. For Chris, who looks for things to be upset about, apparently everything matters.
My friend did nothing wrong. This could have happened if another old childhood friend (who I just recently started playing with, whom he suspects is interested in me) had sent me something as well. He has major paranoia issues regarding men and me.
This literally is Nazi Canada. He checks my facebook and reads all my conversations. I have no privacy in my life at all. Fine. I don't need privacy, but apparently I'm not really allowed to have friends either. He one minute encourages me to hang out with any friend, then when I do, he gives me this look of disgust like I'm a fucking whore, because I do a greater rift with friends I haven't seen in a long time. Either that, or if I'm hanging out completing quests or achievements in WoW with Andy, he gives me this look that usually stays dormant until he decides that he can't take any more. "I just want to be prioritized too. I just feel left out."
Welcome to my world. When have I been prioritized? When have I really been loved?
So all 3 of us played together yesterday. It was awkward but I was hopeful. Here, lets ALL play. Lets all just give this a shot. FUCKING olive branches everywhere. He seemed really fine with it, but lets be real - nothing really makes sense with Chris.
I even signed off early last night to spend some quality time with him. He helped put the kids to bed early and we sat and caught up on Grey's Anatomy, laughed about all our favorite characters, and even had a good conversation on Hunter X Hunter. I actually felt like we had some type of connection.
Things could seem like they're going great - but his emotions are a mess. This is beyond me. He kept wanting to talk about the past 6 months over and over. He wanted to GRILL me on everything. This time I said NO. I said this is something that I had to choose to make a change and move on from. This is something painful to me that I don't want to revisit. THIS is my fucking boundary. I don't want to go backwards. I'll discuss this stuff with Robin (our counselor), but I do NOT want to go there with you. Oh dear lord and the manipulation begins.
"Why can't I just ask questions about this? What are you hiding? This will give me closure."
Why can't you just respect me and drop it?!
"I know what I need to get past this. I just need to ask you about things because things don't add for me."
I DON'T GIVE A FLYING FUCK IF THINGS DON'T ADD UP FOR YOU. IN FACT, I HOPE THEY NEVER WILL. It's not YOUR life. THIS IS MY LIFE. You don't have to be in complete control over everyone else NOR ME at any given time. GIVE ME SOME FUCKING AIR, for the LOVE OF GOD. GIVE ME SOME FUCKING FREEDOM.
Oh and he kept going.
"You're being deceitful and a liar."
EXCUSE ME? I've been a FUCKING rockstar. I haven't lied about anything. I've given him access to EVERYTHING. I've done EVERYTHING for this man, given him EVERYTHING, and he's going to accuse me from being deceitful and a liar. YOU CAN go fuck yourself. SERIOUSLY.
So I punched the wall, HARD. No seriously, I'm 90% sure I fractured my metacarpal. No seriously, I can't move my pinky, lol. I've done this before (in my life) and have broken my pinkies (metacarpals) a few times. I'm very familiar with this feeling of soreness, lol.
I'm not saying it was a smart thing to do. It was completely stupid - and in retrospect, DEAR LORD WOMAN, PUNCH WITH YOUR LEFT HAND - YOU NEED YOUR RIGHT. I'm saying that I literally got to the point where he was absolutely not hearing anything I had to say and I didn't know how to have him hear me except through violence. God knows I'm not going to be violent towards him - so it had to go one way or another.
Well, the fucked up part is that it actually worked. He got worried and SHUT THE FUCK UP.
WHY? Why does he have to do this. I'm so fucking good to him. I don't understand. Why does it need to get this far?
He started apologizing and 'trying to be there for me'. It's too late man. Like seriously. I have to be hurt (emotionally or physically) for him to show that he cares. WHO DOES THAT SHIT? If that's not crazy town, I don't know what is. Either way, I can't fucking live like that!
- - -
This part is really unfortunate and if anyone reads this will probably freak out a bit. It's not meant to and i'm not panicking much.
For the past 2 days, Chris has woken up in his sleep to hitting my face. Not the accidental knee to the side while turning over, but elbowed my cheekbone then got up and slapped my face - hard. He apparently was asleep during this entire thing (this was yesterday) and profusely apologized over it, but it happened again last night/this morning. He literally elbowed me really hard in the nose/cheekbone. I know it was semi-deliberate because I was turned over faced away from him and he'd have to sit up and elbow me otherwise it wouldn't reach my nose.
I don't really know what this is designed to accomplish. This time, he "woke" himself up profusely apologizing. I seriously had to check if my nose was bleeding.
Yes, I hate my life. I'm sorry. I hate it. I'm trying to find joy in it for the sake of my children because he absolutely won't let us go. He's not an awful person, but he's got some serious issues - sometimes in which I'm not sure I'm strong enough to handle. I just don't have a choice.
Don't call the cops. Don't worry about me. I'm calling my counselor today and filling her in. He's not denying any of it.
- - -
In working on our marriage, I've opened up to him that it's hard to love someone who isn't excited to see you. There has never been a point of our relationship where he would be excited or happy to be with me, nevertheless look forward to talking to me or hearing what I have to say. He does talk to me etc, but it's this feeling of obligation that he needs to in order to maintain a somewhat normal relationship. I know he loves me and I know he is happy to be with me, but his idea on what that looks like is so fucked up and not in the realm of anything resembling normal that it's painful.
- - -
I wish I had happier posts lately.
All in all, I'm sorry - I'm sorry to all the friends who get affected by this bullshit. I'm sorry not for my behavior, but for what I have to do in catering to this unhealthy relationship and how it affects everyone else. None of you deserve it and I'm heartbroken. I deeply appreciate all of you. If it weren't for my friends, I would be in a very different place. You all remind me of who I am and help me retain the little strength and confidence in myself, I have left.
Please don't pity me. I chose this and I get what I chose. It IS the song of life.
I'll get stronger. I always do. <3
xo
M
