I've been off the pill for 7 days. This magical pill gives me enough progesterone so I don't feel horrible. Well, I had to wait until today to start my next pack. It's been pretty bad. My thyroid is deciding to go super crazy with my metabolism. Not only do I have hypoglycemia normally, but when my thyroid is out of whack, I melt lbs like crazy. I know it sounds great - but you feel like you're dying as it happens.
Literally my appendages feel cold and my circulation slows down. My heart focuses pumping blood to my organs, so my extremities end up getting cold and white. I get lightheaded and very rarely (but it happens) pass out.
Today was one of those days. My good sized bowl of mini wheats got burned super fast. Crazy metabolism made it pass through my body like nothing. I didn't even have time to get hungry again before getting hypoglycemic. My heart rate slowed down, my breathing was shallow, everything got really slow and bright and I passed out on the kitchen floor. Yeah it sucks. It literally feels like you're dying.
Luckily I started back on the pill today. Thank God, because I can't live like this.
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Chris forgot to take his anxiety medication yesterday so we had some Issues, to say the least. He ended up taking it really late and said everything was fine but fucking "shrapnel" from his implosion was everywhere. He doesn't get the importance of being consistent with anything. It fucking frustrates the shit out of me. Like - especially with medicine, you've gotta take that shit at the same time every day. If you don't, there will be repercussions. I think he understands this, but he doesn't care enough to actually do something about it.
How can you possibly whine/make a fuss about things that bother you, if you say you'll try harder to improve but you're not really willing to put any effort towards it? It fucking blows my mind. I just don't understand. Instead, he plays the blame game. It's gotta be anyone else's problem aside from his own. His own insecurities drive his behaviour, then my reaction (the byproduct) all of a sudden becomes his "reason" for his actions.
For example: he reads all my chats and has access to all my devices/computers. Fine - whatever that's fine. My computer locked itself today before I left to fix this elderly woman's computer. I didn't lock it - it restarted itself (probably from an update) and went to the lock/startup screen. Because he couldn't get in, I immediately became the deceitful whore that must be hiding something. He already went to the blame game, before I even had a chance to do anything wrong. It's so fucking crazy I don't even know how to react. I want to be compassionate, but it's hard to be loving and compassionate with someone who can't work through their negative emotions.
His thing is, "I'm insecure and afraid of abandonment so I'm going to take my insecurities out on you because it's your responsibility to pull me through my irrational fears." No, it's not my responsibility. I'm here to be a loving and supportive wife, not a therapeutic caregiver. I'm here to hold your hand and say everything's gonna be okay. I'm not here to be your goddamn lightning rod of fucking hate, criticism, and demands. I'm not supposed to be the ONLY one driving the relationship forward.
What freaks me out even more is that my kids see that and he could care less how he influences them. Izzy's going to grow up thinking that it's okay to manipulate, demand, and bully to get her way because that's how he talks to me. He talks AT me, not to me and I'm so fucking tired of being talked to like he's the fucking centre of the world and everyone needs to orbit their behaviours and emotions around his needs - OR else, he may or may not react poorly. (Sarcastically) It depends on the wind speed, the temperature, the humidity, the dampness in his underwear, etc. Realistically, there is no rhyme or reason. It just is fucking random - and that's what I can rely on (basically one of the only consistent things), that he will be random. He will be streaky. I will be lonely in our relationship. He's lazy and can't commit to actually doing DBT on a regular basis. In actuality, he makes a concious choice not to much of the time - because of the inconvenience and how 'easy' regressing to not doing it is.
I'm angry at him. I'm so fucking frustrated.
So many fucking eggshells. Which personality am I gonna get today? Richard? Gord? Joe? The generic asshole? The behind the wall, neglectful jerk? Someone loving, gentle, and understanding? Probably not.
So the tiptoeing through the floor of crushed glass continues. He's sad and questions why I have to do that. Because nothing is ever consistent with him. He couldn't be level headed even if someone smacked him with a stick each time.
And yet STILL I'm here. I'm here, trying, doing everything you ask for and more and he can't fucking understand where I'm coming from. Like you can't possibly be that stupid. I've changed myself and adapted in every way to cater to this person. I've given him everything and there is nothing in the world that can make him treat me like I "exist". Yes, I'm not even looking to be loved all the time - just to acknowledge that I exist - that I don't just take up airspace, but that I'm alive and a human being (that he's not the only one in the world), would mean a lot.
Thank god I have children. Because the take the hurt and frustration away and give me joy, hope, and purpose when I'm with them.
One day, I hope Chris and I can break this cycle.
Until then, I hope I can persevere.
