SO good.
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During the long blackout, I was reading my old blog posts from Hazelnut Michie & even wayy older ones from college and HS.
Something that stuck out to me was that I had a substantial amount of aggro. I didn't talk to my friends about all the aggro that I had throughout the years. Tbh, I think I put blinders on for most of it and just vented about it on my blog.
"Why don't boys like me?"
Yea well, I think deep down, what I meant was, "Why didn't Frank like me?" or "Why didn't guys that I liked, like me?"
The reality was, he probably tried to and did for the most part (as best as what he could do, in his situation). I couldn't have really asked for more.
I don't know why I was so oblivious to all of this before, but hindsight works like that sometimes.
I blogged about all these situations where he had displayed affectionate behaviour towards me. I'm not talking about sexually, but just loving behaviour. Being younger, I didn't see how he couldn't like me in doing the things he did. He was a main Paladin in a hardcore raiding guild (progressing well) and transferred servers (when it was a bigger effing deal) to help me level. To help me level. Then waited around for me to be level 60 to just 'hang out'.
It got a little weird, because I already had a "Paladin" on my server who I played with so I didn't end up playing with Frank as much. He always stuck around though - through leveling, to raiding with me when we ding'd 70.
We're alike in the sense where we don't really want help - especially from each other. I don't know if I'm really like that, inasmuch we just couldn't open up enough to expect that kind of relationship from each other (despite the fact that IRL, we would help each other. We were part of the same Game Design project team our Senior Year). So it made things a little distant in game. What's funny is that we've always been that way but despite the distance, we always managed to have a good time when we did play together. Even now, when he severely out gears me, we still periodically play together and he never will put me down about how we're so imbalanced on gear ratio (that I'm not doing enough damage, or not contributing enough). He's one of the few people on earth that believes in me more than I do myself - which is rare.
We've been best friends for 10 years. It's not the same friendship that you would assume a normal friendship would be like. We hardly talk because we don't need to. It's not the pat on your back, need support, rah rah, kind of friendship. He seriously is like my brother from another mother.
I guess what my point is - is that I thought I was really into him for quite a long time (like 2 years). I thought he was really IT for about a year and the entire school assumed we were together. I remembered once he came out of the closet to me, that I wasn't shocked about it. He was my best friend after all, and I just wanted him to be happy. I looked back at my blog posts and realized, there was no way for me to know at all. He was affectionate and loving. He was a boyfriend - seriously. I think any therapist or relationship counselor who looked at our relationship would have agreed. We didn't have anything sexual going on, but the amount of support and cheese going both ways was pretty ridiculous. I'm not going to go into the instances, but I don't think anyone ever questioned what his intentions were at the time (and I didn't either).
I was really okay with him coming out. Sad a little, but truly okay with it. It was the best possible negative (for me) outcome of the entire situation.
It made me feel loved, because despite the fact that he was gay, that he loved me enough to be as wonderful and supportive of a person as he was to me. He could never give me what I wanted/needed and he let go, despite how 'easy' our relationship was. That to me, was a true best friend. I look back and appreciate it more in hindsight.
- - -
I've always had wonderful, loving, and kind friends. It makes me feel great because usually friends reflect each other.
I just hope that I've in turn, given my best friends this feeling of being important and loved.
- - -
LOL, While listening to this song and typing - I realized that it is probably severely inappropriate to what I'm typing to considering I haven't thought of him that way for a REALLY long time, hahahaha. It was just stuck in my head. I guess some of it is relevant?
JT is just so much cheese and I love it.
- - -
My outlook is brighter. It's less naive and it's also healing. I wish I would've known all of this long ago. It would've saved me from much hurt and insecurity.
I had such an addiction to World of Warcraft in 2006-2007. Seriously, I had 3 raiding horde characters along with my other 70's. Completely forgot about them. I had an undead demo warlock, blood elf paladin (WHO I would Arena & raid with), and a resto shaman. I primarily healed in raids as horde and primarily dpsed as alliance. My gnome warlock was so fucking overpowered, I don't even know how?! I look back at these screenshots and blog posts and slayed (ABSOLUTELY SLAYED) as demonology. What THE fuck? My dps was marginal compared to other classes, but the dps charts don't lie, that I topped damage substantially.
I even enjoyed tanking. I tanked in pvp pretty much all the time. I know it's not the same, but I wasn't scared. What changed?
I'm not sure. Probably disassociation? I was just so grumps IRL that the game helped me cope.
- - -
I'm not going there again. I'm not going to lose myself in the game again but it was enlightening to see HOW fucking awesome she used to be. :)
I gotta get to real life now. <3
xo
M
