Kesler did well today - but on his overall scores and assessments, he did get the diagnosis of Autism spectrum disorder. What's the fucked up part is that the "red flags" that they had observed, were the same issues I had as a child. 30 years ago, the same extensive assessments didn't exist so I was not diagnosed.
Looking back, I probably would have been diagnosed if they had the same assessment.
I'm frustrated because one of the psychiatrists working with him told me last week that he had no indication of red flags. What she meant was that he definitely was in the realm of normal human being but still in the spectrum of autism. The OCD was noted at the time, but after further evaluation, was deemed an autistic characteristic.
I know it's not my fault. There is a lot of guilt. I know I didn't "give" this to my son, the love of my life. But I did, really and it hurts.
He's going to be a brilliant, independent, and successful human being in the future. I know. It doesn't take the pain away in this moment though, nor lessen the guilt. Emotions are just fucked that way.
I will feel better. I will eventually thank God that this is "just it", but in the moment, it still hurts and I'm not thankful.
For once in my life, as selfish as it sounds, I just wanted to have some good luck for myself instead of for others.
xo
M
