:(

I'm having one of those days where everything sucks, lol. Seriously.

I've been off the pill for 7 days. This magical pill gives me enough progesterone so I don't feel horrible. Well, I had to wait until today to start my next pack. It's been pretty bad. My thyroid is deciding to go super crazy with my metabolism. Not only do I have hypoglycemia normally, but when my thyroid is out of whack, I melt lbs like crazy. I know it sounds great - but you feel like you're dying as it happens. 

Literally my appendages feel cold and my circulation slows down. My heart focuses pumping blood to my organs, so my extremities end up getting cold and white. I get lightheaded and very rarely (but it happens) pass out.

Today was one of those days. My good sized bowl of mini wheats got burned super fast. Crazy metabolism made it pass through my body like nothing. I didn't even have time to get hungry again before getting hypoglycemic. My heart rate slowed down, my breathing was shallow, everything got really slow and bright and I passed out on the kitchen floor. Yeah it sucks. It literally feels like you're dying. 

Luckily I started back on the pill today. Thank God, because I can't live like this. 

---

Chris forgot to take his anxiety medication yesterday so we had some Issues, to say the least. He ended up taking it really late and said everything was fine but fucking "shrapnel" from his implosion was everywhere. He doesn't get the importance of being consistent with anything. It fucking frustrates the shit out of me. Like - especially with medicine, you've gotta take that shit at the same time every day. If you don't, there will be repercussions. I think he understands this, but he doesn't care enough to actually do something about it. 

How can you possibly whine/make a fuss about things that bother you, if you say you'll try harder to improve but you're not really willing to put any effort towards it? It fucking blows my mind. I just don't understand. Instead, he plays the blame game. It's gotta be anyone else's problem aside from his own. His own insecurities drive his behaviour, then my reaction (the byproduct) all of a sudden becomes his "reason" for his actions. 

For example: he reads all my chats and has access to all my devices/computers. Fine - whatever that's fine. My computer locked itself today before I left to fix this elderly woman's computer. I didn't lock it - it restarted itself (probably from an update) and went to the lock/startup screen. Because he couldn't get in, I immediately became the deceitful whore that must be hiding something. He already went to the blame game, before I even had a chance to do anything wrong. It's so fucking crazy I don't even know how to react. I want to be compassionate, but it's hard to be loving and compassionate with someone who can't work through their negative emotions. 

His thing is, "I'm insecure and afraid of abandonment so I'm going to take my insecurities out on you because it's your responsibility to pull me through my irrational fears." No, it's not my responsibility. I'm here to be a loving and supportive wife, not a therapeutic caregiver. I'm here to hold your hand and say everything's gonna be okay. I'm not here to be your goddamn lightning rod of fucking hate, criticism, and demands. I'm not supposed to be the ONLY one driving the relationship forward. 

What freaks me out even more is that my kids see that and he could care less how he influences them. Izzy's going to grow up thinking that it's okay to manipulate, demand, and bully to get her way because that's how he talks to me. He talks AT me, not to me and I'm so fucking tired of being talked to like he's the fucking centre of the world and everyone needs to orbit their behaviours and emotions around his needs - OR else, he may or may not react poorly. (Sarcastically) It depends on the wind speed, the temperature, the humidity, the dampness in his underwear, etc. Realistically, there is no rhyme or reason. It just is fucking random - and that's what I can rely on (basically one of the only consistent things), that he will be random. He will be streaky. I will be lonely in our relationship. He's lazy and can't commit to actually doing DBT on a regular basis. In actuality, he makes a concious choice not to much of the time - because of the inconvenience and how 'easy' regressing to not doing it is. 

I'm angry at him. I'm so fucking frustrated. 

So many fucking eggshells. Which personality am I gonna get today? Richard? Gord? Joe? The generic asshole? The behind the wall, neglectful jerk? Someone loving, gentle, and understanding? Probably not.

So the tiptoeing through the floor of crushed glass continues. He's sad and questions why I have to do that. Because nothing is ever consistent with him. He couldn't be level headed even if someone smacked him with a stick each time.  

And yet STILL I'm here. I'm here, trying, doing everything you ask for and more and he can't fucking understand where I'm coming from. Like you can't possibly be that stupid. I've changed myself and adapted in every way to cater to this person. I've given him everything and there is nothing in the world that can make him treat me like I "exist". Yes, I'm not even looking to be loved all the time - just to acknowledge that I exist - that I don't just take up airspace, but that I'm alive and a human being (that he's not the only one in the world), would mean a lot. 

Thank god I have children. Because the take the hurt and frustration away and give me joy, hope, and purpose when I'm with them. 

One day, I hope Chris and I can break this cycle. 

Until then, I hope I can persevere.

Timmy

Tim Lincecum, has been my favorite pitcher for...quite some time now. He's been my favorite since his debut with the Giants in 2007. I dunno if I have a soft spot for him because he's halfie filipino, the same age as me (I'm older by a month), or if it's because of his crazy slingshot pitching style. Either way, he's my favorite.

I'm grumps.

Seriously.

I'm grumps at the Giants management/organization right now for how they manipulated this 2 time cy young winner, MLB all star, strike out/shut out winner and changed him (probably for the rest of his career).

In 2011, it was Timmy's last great season. He had just missed his 3rd cy young, just by a little but was an MLB all star. That year was the last year he did his old style of pitching.

Timmy had an unconventional style of pitching. He was a string bean (tall & lanky). Despite his slender build (was about 5'11" at 150-170lbs in his earlier years) and because of his uncanny ability to turn his body into basically a human slingshot, he was able to pull of high 90 fast balls on average. I don't think he ever reached 100, but definitely got really close.

Just to show how he used to do it.

In 2012, they changed his pitching style. They wanted him to be slightly more 'conventional' because they had stated that, throwing this way would lessen how long he could really play in the long run. He had been putting his body through much more than normal stress and that this could make for easier injury.

Idiots.

The man has been throwing this way since he was 5. He had developed his musculature to have a certain amount of elasticity - to cater to his throwing style. 20 years. 20 years of conditioning to be able to throw like this and ONE year, they decide - lets keep him around longer and completely re-engineer this amazing talent.

I call bullshit. I don't think it was to save him from easier injury. I think they switched him up for greed. We all know that the greats in the hall of fame who threw similarly, retired earlier. They wanted to keep him to his mid 30's and didn't want to let go of his lucrative franchise presence. They couldn't just leave a perfect pitcher alone and let him ride out his talent till his early 30's and go out with a bang.

So they bulked him up. They wanted that fast ball faster. He gained 20lbs of fucking muscle. 20lbs is a huge amount for a slender guy.

I was in ballet for a really long time. I know how flexibility works. Not to mention, I studied physiology and anatomy for like 4 fucking years.

His underlying musculature has been conditioned to bear the strain of his throw. The newly built muscles are built tight. He's not building those muscles through yoga, he's building those muscles through repetitious weight lifting. Yeah okay, it may look nice - but it doesn't build flexibility. It doesn't allow elasticity in muscles. It just bulks you up - makes you physically stronger. That doesn't help you when your pitching style is designed to use your entire body as a slingshot - using the hyperextension, torsion, momentum from the elasticity of your movement. I'm so pissed.

They realized that the pitching style wasn't working for him. 2012-2013, it was awful seasons for him. When he did play, he'd have strained and pulled muscles. He was taken out quite a bit due to injury. NO FUCKING SHIT. He's officially benched. My 2x cy young winner is a bench warmer. Barry Zito #2. It makes me sad.

So they brought him back in 2014 and said, "Hey I know this new style is not working for you - lets just get you conditioned back to what you were." What they're really trying to say is that you're not making anymore money for us - go back to what you did, because they'd rather have that to his mid 30's instead of nothing at all. FUCKING IDIOTS.

You can't make elasticity in musculature like that *snap*. It takes YEARS of conditioning. YEARS.

A cousin of mine is a professional ballerina in Japan. She got a full scholarship to Julliard in New York. She went, and they asked her to gain some weight. She was 5'10" (i know, she was the giant in the family) and was super skinny - like 130lbs. They asked her to put on 20lbs of lean muscle because they were afraid that she wouldn't have the stamina to do some things. She was super flexible prior to gaining the new musculature, then after, was not able to do the splits horizontally again. Her hyperextensions became average.

He played an inning and a half in game 2. Did awesome and THREW OUT HIS FUCKING BACK. I almost cried. Seriously!! Like gave it his all, did a great job for the sake of his team, the pressure of the world fucking series, and the fans, and threw out his fucking back!!!!!!!! OMG!!!

I hope they take him out for a season (or play him lightly) and give him extensive stretching over the course of the year. He doesn't need conditioning as much as the average pitcher in the off season because he, unlike many other pitchers, has so much natural born talent - that he doesn't need to copy anyone. He JUST is him and that's fucking awesome.

So sad but waiting in anticipation for the rest of this World Series.

xo
M

Paladins in my dreams, LOL

OH my LAWD.

So I had this dream that I was in an IRL raid. I went with Cinti, Jeff, and Yoshi to Redridge Mountains because them and a group of like 15-20 people were raiding this cave.

It was more final fantasy 7 ish, where mobs would jump out of nowhere and start attacking you. It was really scary in that aspect.

Cinti, Jeff, and Yoshi, were all paladins in my dream. Cinti was a slightly undergeared dual wielding ret pally (i know they can't dual wield - just go with it), Jeff was a normal prot pally, Yoshi was a holy pally, and I was (believe it or not) a rogue.

There was this druid (i think his name was Sven) that was talking smack saying that paladins were useless in this raid. I guess they had gotten a huge nerf across the board. He was complaining that they were just a light show and the light show was so annoying and distracting considering we were in a cave and it would make fights more distracting/confusing and wipe us.

Despite my friends' best efforts to tell me not to talk/confront him, I confronted Sven and explained that in this 'world', the power of 'holy light' was bestowed upon their class to protect us. It was supposed to be a gift from God. In this game, despite the technical directors approving such grandiose light shows, it was essentially their responsibility to portray this bestowing of light from the grace of god, in particle effects, the best they could.

I can't remember all what I said - so I'm paraphrasing and can't do it justice. I basically word slapped him and then challenged him to a duel.

He denied me quickly. He said, "fuck no, you're a rogue. that's so lopsided it's not even funny." So I said, "FINE, let me change jobs & fight you as a paladin. If i win, you have to stop talking shit about them. If I lose, you can go on your merry way."

He agreed and I switched jobs to my paladin spec. My paladin was seriously undergeared because I hadn't chosen that class in a long time. I kinda knew going into this mess that it wasn't going to be pretty.

My friends were so worried because they knew logically that my chances of winning were significantly lowered.

I didn't care, because it was the principle of the matter.

- - -

First fight, he completely owned me then rubbed it in.

I said, we have to do 2 out of 3 because you outgear me so heavily that it wouldn't be fair. He agreed and we started the 2nd fight.

Second fight, I popped fucking everything I had. I popped my eardrums, lol I popped everything. I ended up winning. I had stunned him 3 times and just beat the shit out of him.

Unfortunately, my friends, Sven, and I all knew that I wasn't going to win this next fight. Since I had popped everything - I had nothing left. Everything was on CD. I was going into a fight with nothing.

Starting the 3rd fight, I tried to heal through it and bubble through it, but in the end, my dps was just not enough and Sven just beat the snot out of me. It was a horrible loss.

I had lost and all the hurt, loss, embarrassment, guilt, etc was overwhelming.

"I'm sorry guys, I really tried to win for you all. Maybe he's right. Paladins just aren't cut out for this."

I got so much love from all my friends. They were just so proud of me for trying hard and winning just that once. "You WON. You may have had to blow everything and it may have been just that once, but the point is - paladins CAN win. We're nerfed right now, but it doesn't mean we're absolutely useless - and you've proved that. If anything we're more dedicated than any other class."

I was still crying from my loss.

"Look, everyone supports you."

I look up and the entire raid is cheering me on and all those who had paladins as another job had switched to the class just to support me. <3

Even Sven, shut up - didn't make fun of Paladins again.

- - -

I guess the moral of my dream was that just because you don't feel like you're 'overpowered' in something (or life) right now doesn't mean you're inadequate. It just means you have to try harder and 'pop all your cooldowns' in real life to be where you want to be. It means you have to give life your all (100% of your effort) for the sake of yourself (your well being & self growth) and by doing that, will trickle down to everyone who loves and cares for you.  You will motivate others. You will spread love & people will unanimously love & appreciate you also.


xo
M

Vampire Diaries

So Chris and I had a mini-marathon to catch up on Vampire Diaries last night. I used to be addicted to this show. Hahaha.

We talked about it this morning and asked two questions:

Who's your favorite character?
Who's the hottest character (or most you're attracted to)?

OK. Now, both of mine is hands down going to be Klaus, so we took him out of the picture (because it's just unfair of how fucking awesome he is and he's also not even in the show anymore).

Lets start with Chris' choices:

His favorite character is Alaric Saltzman.

Alaric is pretty badass, tbh.

Summary:
Alaric Saltzman is introduced in the series as the new history teacher. He shows very caring for Jeremy Gilbert by giving him a second chance to lift up his grades. He has a crush on Jenna Sommers (Jeremy and Elena's aunt). He suspects Damon Salvatore of being the killer of his wife. He is also a vampire hunter. He quickly becomes a major character, and helps out Damon, Stefan, Elena, and sometimes Bonnie with their plans.

The character that he's most attracted to is Caroline Forbes.

She is just gorgeous. Well most of the people on this show are.

He says personality wise, we're a lot a like (LMAO). No he's kinda right. She's super peppy, bubbly, cheerful, sunshine and fucking rainbows. That, I can see. 

The summary is too long to paste. In short, she was really annoying in the first few seasons. She's the daughter of the sheriff, so she basically got whatever she wanted. She wasn't humble or modest about anything. Her, bonnie, and elena are best friends. Anyway, she died - eventually and got turned into a vampire. Klaus has the hots for her, but she ended up with Tyler (this other hybrid). 

Yeah okay there's another similarity. She's attracted to hybrids (werewolf-vampires/immortals) so basically, attracted to OP, cocky or overconfident people. I never got into Tyler. He's not my type, lol.

- - -

So who's my favorite character?

Bonnie Bennet

I like her because she's pretty, happy, and peppy. She was a cheerleader, rescuer complex,  and totally underestimated. She ended up becoming this fucking crazy witch that ended up sacrificing her life for her friends' happiness. She also can't 'tank' well, so she 'tanks' by using crazy dps. "The best defense is the best offense."

She's just crazy. I can identify with her.

Summary:
On the show, she tells Elena on the way to school that her family are descendants of witches who were involved in the Salem Witch Trails. She also posses psychic abilities. When she touched people on their arm or hand, she gets a vision about the past. The exact extent of her powers are as yet unknown. She very kind, and supportive of Elena & Stefan's relationship. Even though she highly dislikes Damon, she is willing to cooperate with him for Elena's sake. In the end of season 2, she falls in love with Jeremy Gilbert, who is her best friend, Elena's, brother.

So who am I most attracted to? This is kind of a guilty pleasure kind of attraction because he's SO very annoying the first few seasons. LOL Like painfully embarrassing.

Jeremy Gilbert.

Yes, I know go ahead and hate. He's easy on the eyes, lol.

He works out too much for my tastes, tbh. Like that much buffness would be super intimidating to me, and i'm not a huge fan of Steve McQueen, the actor.

I like him because first and foremost, he's a demon hunter. Lets be real. Dear lord, that is winner winner chicken dinner right there. He was also a super nerd in season 1-3 (before becoming the DH). He was a typical WoW player (or some type of gamer), for reals. Then he went from gangly and awkward to like ripped and fucking demons up. He also can speak to the dead..so he's like a necromancing demon hunter that's immortal. YES. lol

Not to mention, he has great taste in women, hahahaha. First he had a thing for this Anna chick (she's hapa). Then he's into Bonnie.

- - -

K enough vampire diaries talk

xo
M

Holy Crap

I've had a rockstar week. Seriously. I have single-handedly brought back some type of happiness & satisfaction in my life.

A symptom of my husband's mental disorder is that he 'self sabotages', meaning he has to basically ruin things or cause drama when things are going good.

Apparently, he told his mother that I was the only one smoking, lol. At least, he told me that, "Yeah she thinks it's just you and that I'm only a stress smoker." He failed to mention that he finds stress in everything and that he buys the packs for both of us.

Fine whatever, I'll be the bad guy.

We had a really big argument last night. REALLY big argument over the dumbest shit. I have seriously not gotten that crazy, adrenaline pumping mad, in a really long time.

This was not an opportunity where we could actually calmly talk. He straight off came to bed accusing me of being a liar and deceitful.

My friend and I were flying around in game to work on achievements that I hadn't completed. He was completely fine with that one minute, then not.

"You said you weren't going to ride his mount anymore."
"That's right, but I don't know where I'm going."
"Can't you just put him on follow?"
"Is this really a big deal?"
"It's what it implies. That you're comfortable going back to what things were."

As if that wasn't the catalyst for a huge shit storm.

My friend gives me an in game panda pet. Ok seriously, it's a fucking in game digital pet. I have like 400. Adding another one to the collection isn't that big of a deal. For Chris, who looks for things to be upset about, apparently everything matters.

My friend did nothing wrong. This could have happened if another old childhood friend (who I just recently started playing with, whom he suspects is interested in me) had sent me something as well. He has major paranoia issues regarding men and me.

This literally is Nazi Canada. He checks my facebook and reads all my conversations. I have no privacy in my life at all. Fine. I don't need privacy, but apparently I'm not really allowed to have friends either. He one minute encourages me to hang out with any friend, then when I do, he gives me this look of disgust like I'm a fucking whore, because I do a greater rift with friends I haven't seen in a long time. Either that, or if I'm hanging out completing quests or achievements in WoW with Andy, he gives me this look that usually stays dormant until he decides that he can't take any more. "I just want to be prioritized too. I just feel left out."

Welcome to my world. When have I been prioritized? When have I really been loved?

So all 3 of us played together yesterday. It was awkward but I was hopeful. Here, lets ALL play. Lets all just give this a shot. FUCKING olive branches everywhere. He seemed really fine with it, but lets be real - nothing really makes sense with Chris.

I even signed off early last night to spend some quality time with him. He helped put the kids to bed early and we sat and caught up on Grey's Anatomy, laughed about all our favorite characters, and even had a good conversation on Hunter X Hunter. I actually felt like we had some type of connection.

Things could seem like they're going great - but his emotions are a mess. This is beyond me. He kept wanting to talk about the past 6 months over and over. He wanted to GRILL me on everything. This time I said NO. I said this is something that I had to choose to make a change and move on from. This is something painful to me that I don't want to revisit. THIS is my fucking boundary. I don't want to go backwards. I'll discuss this stuff with Robin (our counselor), but I do NOT want to go there with you. Oh dear lord and the manipulation begins.

"Why can't I just ask questions about this? What are you hiding? This will give me closure."

Why can't you just respect me and drop it?!

"I know what I need to get past this. I just need to ask you about things because things don't add for me."

I DON'T GIVE A FLYING FUCK IF THINGS DON'T ADD UP FOR YOU. IN FACT, I HOPE THEY NEVER WILL. It's not YOUR life. THIS IS MY LIFE. You don't have to be in complete control over everyone else NOR ME at any given time. GIVE ME SOME FUCKING AIR, for the LOVE OF GOD. GIVE ME SOME FUCKING FREEDOM.

Oh and he kept going.

"You're being deceitful and a liar."

EXCUSE ME? I've been a FUCKING rockstar. I haven't lied about anything. I've given him access to EVERYTHING. I've done EVERYTHING for this man, given him EVERYTHING, and he's going to accuse me from being deceitful and a liar. YOU CAN go fuck yourself. SERIOUSLY.

So I punched the wall, HARD. No seriously, I'm 90% sure I fractured my metacarpal. No seriously, I can't move my pinky, lol. I've done this before (in my life) and have broken my pinkies (metacarpals) a few times. I'm very familiar with this feeling of soreness, lol.

I'm not saying it was a smart thing to do. It was completely stupid - and in retrospect, DEAR LORD WOMAN, PUNCH WITH YOUR LEFT HAND - YOU NEED YOUR RIGHT. I'm saying that I literally got to the point where he was absolutely not hearing anything I had to say and I didn't know how to have him hear me except through violence. God knows I'm not going to be violent towards him - so it had to go one way or another.

Well, the fucked up part is that it actually worked. He got worried and SHUT THE FUCK UP. 

WHY? Why does he have to do this. I'm so fucking good to him. I don't understand. Why does it need to get this far? 

He started apologizing and 'trying to be there for me'. It's too late man. Like seriously. I have to be hurt (emotionally or physically) for him to show that he cares. WHO DOES THAT SHIT? If that's not crazy town, I don't know what is. Either way, I can't fucking live like that!

- - -

This part is really unfortunate and if anyone reads this will probably freak out a bit. It's not meant to and i'm not panicking much.

For the past 2 days, Chris has woken up in his sleep to hitting my face. Not the accidental knee to the side while turning over, but elbowed my cheekbone then got up and slapped my face - hard. He apparently was asleep during this entire thing (this was yesterday) and profusely apologized over it, but it happened again last night/this morning. He literally elbowed me really hard in the nose/cheekbone. I know it was semi-deliberate because I was turned over faced away from him and he'd have to sit up and elbow me otherwise it wouldn't reach my nose.

I don't really know what this is designed to accomplish. This time, he "woke" himself up profusely apologizing. I seriously had to check if my nose was bleeding.

Yes, I hate my life. I'm sorry. I hate it. I'm trying to find joy in it for the sake of my children because he absolutely won't let us go. He's not an awful person, but he's got some serious issues - sometimes in which I'm not sure I'm strong enough to handle. I just don't have a choice.

Don't call the cops. Don't worry about me. I'm calling my counselor today and filling her in. He's not denying any of it.

- - -

In working on our marriage, I've opened up to him that it's hard to love someone who isn't excited to see you. There has never been a point of our relationship where he would be excited or happy to be with me, nevertheless look forward to talking to me or hearing what I have to say. He does talk to me etc, but it's this feeling of obligation that he needs to in order to maintain a somewhat normal relationship. I know he loves me and I know he is happy to be with me, but his idea on what that looks like is so fucked up and not in the realm of anything resembling normal that it's painful.

- - -

I wish I had happier posts lately.

All in all, I'm sorry - I'm sorry to all the friends who get affected by this bullshit. I'm sorry not for my behavior, but for what I have to do in catering to this unhealthy relationship and how it affects everyone else. None of you deserve it and I'm heartbroken. I deeply appreciate all of you. If it weren't for my friends, I would be in a very different place. You all remind me of who I am and help me retain the little strength and confidence in myself, I have left.

Please don't pity me. I chose this and I get what I chose. It IS the song of life.

I'll get stronger. I always do. <3

xo
M

Kootenays

This weekend we're on a business trip to the kootenays. Much of Chris' family is over here so we'll probably end up visiting them at some point.

This is gonna probably be a tmi post but I'm venting because I know it'll help me better in the long run.

Warning, I am super pmsing. My bitchy side is on fuuuuulllll blast. 

Periods. The bane of all evil. Why do we have to have them? We were blessed with this ability to shed our inner lining to provide a fresh and adhesive wall for fertilized eggs to attach. We shed the lining like a snake sheds its' skin in all it's goriest glory.

Not to totally epitomize a typical female stereotype, but sometimes I hate men for not having to experience the "joys" of being a woman. 

"Guys go through shit during puberty also!" Yeah so what? Your voice starts cracking, your penis gets bigger (aww boo hoo), you get hairy, holy shit batman horny, growth spurts, nipple sensitivity, and some pubescent anxieties. Cry me a fucking river. 

Girls go through all of that (sans the penis growth), and fucking periods. Now it's not all the same for every woman. Some women, like myself, who have fucking hormonal imbalances get blessed with extra gifts from God, like proc based periods (yay me! I crit!!) and dysmenorrhea (really painful ones) that make you feel like you're preparing to fucking birth a rhino at 11 years old. Also, let's not forget to mention the normal pms shit like acne and body aches, bloating, edema, crankiness, migraines, etc. that also happen during our cycles.

I don't have a fucking cycle. I have a fucking spear and my spear chucker is throwing like Tim Lincecum (heavy handed and inaccurate. Sorry, you're hot but you've been bad lately. You're still my favourite cy young winner). I hope you get it together for the WS and they give you a chance. I have my jersey all ready. :)

...Back to my unbelievable hatred of periods. 

I honestly don't think that I would hate them so much if they didn't cause me as much grief. In all actuality, the times where I have been regular, my periods haven't been all that bad. I decided to get off the pill (that I had been taking for 10 years) so I could have kids and it's been all downhill (hormonally) since then. 

Since I have pcos, I can't take anything else (or have an iud inserted) because it wouldn't be enough progesterone for me. I'm not ready to be "spayed" yet (tubes being tied or hysterectomy). Plus, I really don't want a hysterectomy because it basically makes your vagina shrivel up into a dry prune. I happen to be very confident and satisfied in my anatomy down south. It would be a shame to waste it while I'm still young. 

So what does that leave me with?

Fuck all.

Fuck, all.

Fuck my hormones man! If I could have rerolled as a boy instead of a girl at birth I think my life would've been significantly easier. Seriously. I would have definitely stuck out less.

Which leads to another wild and crazy random thing that happened today. I talked to Cheesecake (my old friend Shinsuke) and he's playing d3 (apparently like an addiction, lol). He couldn't believe my characters or that I even played. Part of me was flattered that he noticed how great they're becoming (or how much effort it took to get them there), but I was also slightly offended in a sense where, WTF man? What, can girls not possibly have OP characters because our breasts get in the way?? I can't possibly fucking find wasd in all the glory of my bouncing bosom. I know that's not what he meant, but why the fuck is it so surprising when my character is tougher than yours? Dear lord. Can't they just say, "that's awesome!" Vs "omfg, lol! no way? You're kidding me right?" 

You're kidding me. You are a joke to mankind. God I'm such a pmsing angry bitch right now, and I totally will apologize tomorrow for it, but in the moment, I'm a manhater. Fucking autocorrect almost made me type I'm a fucking manatee. Yes, that too.

I need to sleep.

xo

M

Patch 6.0.2

Patch 6.0.2 and what this means to me.

Truly, I had a huge summary of what I wanted to vent about here today but It's gone. LOL

I don't know how I feel about the item squish.

As a game design major, the lack of numbers didn't really matter to me. The lack of numbers meant that the programmers were cleaning up the mess and instead of increasing values, decreasing them allowing more efficient processing. That doesn't matter to me. What matters is the percentage of damage dealt, healed, resisted, etc.

We don't have hit rating anymore. Fine. We've only had it for fucking 10 years and randomly, it's gone. Okay, I get it - they need change. But seriously, multistrike? Seriously? Dear lord, I wish Steve (my Game3 teacher and one of the lead designers for D3) still worked with Blizzard because I would've picked his brain like you wouldn't believe. My aoe dps seems to be slightly more effective, percentage based (as far as # of npcs down in x amount of time), but not really.

On another dps note, the damage dealt on my chaosbolts are designed differently than previously. Well, my dps is just different. Prior to the stat squish, if I had 4 embers, my doomguard, immolate, rain of fire, popping trinkets, I would do close to 250k dps. Basically if I pulled everything out of my ass and it all procced, I had screenshots of it at 275k. Ok, I'm not even going there. Just the chaosboltsx4 alone, would easily get me over 200k. My concern was, that even after the chaosbolts, my dps would go down to about 150k. That's a 50k differential not using my biggest spell. What happens now is that I unleash 4 chaos bolts, get around 20-30k dps, then it drops down to about 5-10k dps. That's significantly lower percentage drop than what I used to get before. It is a NERF.

It's still early on and I still need to look at the numbers, but comparatively, I seem to be doing less adequate consistent dps. It's frustrating.

- - -

On another note, there are some aspects of the game that I really appreciate.

Toy Bin.
Reagent Tab.
How HD the new characters off EVEN when i have the new models turned off.

Like seriously, I kept the old models, but she looks so crisp.

No offense to the artists at Blizzard, I'm just not into the new models. Probably because I have so many memories with the previous models that I don't want to replace. Plus, the quality of the 3D models doesn't replace gameplay and/or storyline for me. I don't care if my human has boob physics now. I could give a shit less if the human males look less like they have a harelip.

I think it's funny that the new model for my gnome looks a bit like me though. She has big brown eyes and freckles, lol. :P

And as you see in the picture, I am demonology right now. I'm not sure how i feel about it. It's totally lacking - DPS and gameplay.

- - -

Later on today, I'll create a list of things I want to accomplish in this game. I need to do something like that because I'm getting bored of the game.

We'll see. :) I'm just going to continue playing and see where it takes me.


xo
M

D3

I got a call from my parents yesterday talking about my Grandpa's condition. It wasn't good. I'm not going to get into it right now because it hurts and it makes my heart throb - and not in a good way.

I'm going to focus on positives right now.

I used to play WoW with a good friend of mine, Shoji. We played together for a long time and had great adventures. He was such a good friend, that when I graduated from college, he even attended my graduation. :)

We lost touch for many reasons. I moved to Canada, he got into a relationship, and then we both got married and drifted apart. It's totally okay and I'm happy for him! It just was a part of my life that truly made me happy at one point. :)

ANYWAY, i went through a lot of crap in the past week and not only did I get to play with Riki (his younger brother who I also was close to), Osaka (another close old mutual friend), and Kip (another old friend), but yesterday I got to play with Shoji! :) It was super dorky fun like old times and it felt nice.

I don't know if you can tell, but we're all wearing Pink! :P It was really cute and dorky and gave me a big smile. :)

We did a bunch of Greater Rifts in a row and this time, I was able to actually contribute in dps. 

I started out with around 800k crits - in mostly all yellows and blues (a few oranges), to 5million crits and getting the achievement in getting full oranges and a few green set pieces. :)

I will make Torment 2 my bitch.

It's part of the Marauder's set, hahaha. I chose this color scheme because it's what I looked like in my dream. :P She's so fucking badass, it's not even funny. 

Seriously, it's like a fucking shadow warlock hunter with pets that wears plate. I'm in fucking heaven. Why can't they make this class in WoW?!?! Dear LORD.

She's hot. I can't help it. :P Screw scantily clad bitches. She's hotter than any of that shit in a heartbeat. LOOK AT HER fucking bow. LOOK at it. GOD, her outfit. DEAR LORD. Her legplates and boots look dragoony but she's so shadow and badass, dear LORD.

:P

K

I'm waiting patiently for WoW to come online so I can name change my warlock back to Michie!! :)

xo

M

Dark Mountain

I just had the most awesome nerd dream. No seriously, I never dream about celebrities, but I did last night and HOLY CRAP, HOLY HOLY CRAP, it was awesome.

- - -

It starts out at a public 'aquatic center'. In Canada, they have these like indoor pool places called aquatic centres. They're basically public pools - but a bunch of them; Kiddie wading area, wave pool, current streams, regular pool, lap pool, and massive spa pool. 

I was about 17 or 18 years old and I think I went with family.

The spa was a fairly decent sized U shaped pool that only went about 3 1/2 feet deep all around and had a built in bench that went all the way around it. It had jets like every 4 feet and was pretty hot/warm. 

Anyway, I was sitting in the spa pool. It was pretty packed to the point where people were sitting arms touching, for the most part. Directly across the pool was Tim Lincecum. Yes, pitcher for the giants. This wasn't the Tim Lincecum, super long haired, cy young winner, Loki lookalike also. This was 17 year old Timmy. Gosh I'm trying to find a young picture, but I can't! LOL

OH I GOT ONE:

Anyway, being 17 year olds, we were getting kinda bored just sitting there in the spa, so he was starting some shit with me, LOL. He would put his hands under the water, make them glow slightly green and force a current underwater that would splash me in the face. At first, I didn't realize it because there's water kinda bubbling all over the place. It's a spa. He did it a few times, and I only picked up to it because of his chuckling reaction. The third time, I was paying attention to it and he definitely glowed greenish underwater and splashed me larger that time.

I gave him this look like, dude, you have no idea who you're messing with. My hands were on my lap and I quickly opened my hands up as if to receive a gift. They started glowing purple and angrily unleashed a huge (well compared to his fucking baby splashes) splash of water on him. 

The world wasn't supposed to know of my ability, so I quickly got out of the spa, grabbed my towel (that just so coincidentally was a black cape with a hoodie). I ran over to this bleacher bench area to watch the surfers at the wave pool (to try to blend in and hide). 

Of COURSE the asshole follows me! He sits right next to me in his freakin' black hoodie cape also and i'm trying hard not to freakin' be attracted to this jerk off. 

T: Hey, I saw you glow. What other things can you do?

M: ... (as I try to ignore his enthusiasm)

T: You don't have to worry. I've got abilities also. You're not alone. I've never met anyone else that has them.

M: I'm the only one I know also.

T: Hey lets start over again. I'm Tim and my good friends call me Timmy. 

*He reaches over to give me a handshake and as we shake hands, we get this 'buffed' feeling. Our hands get warm and glow this lightly faint golden glow and we feel energized randomly.

T: Whoa, that was weird.

M: I guess it happens only to people like us. 

T: You still haven't told me what your abilities are.

M: It's hard to explain. I'm training to become a Demon Hunter. 

T: WHAT? No way? I'm training also. What are the odds in meeting another Demon Hunter? I think there are only about 10 in the entire world. I've never even heard of a girl DH aside from the ones in history.

M: Well, I guess we do exist (snarkily). Who's your Master?

T: As funny as this sounds, my master is Gandalf. I haven't actually met him before. I just have this orb to communicate with him.

M: Haha, funny. Me too. :)

T: My next mission is on Tuesday. I have to go to Dark Mountain. 

M: Oh crazy. My mission is on the same day.

*I pull out my cellphone and show him the date, place, and time. It happens to match his date, place, and time.

T: So I'm assuming this is supposed to be a co-op mission? What are the odds that we would run into each other the weekend before our mission?

M: I actually wasn't meant to be here. Gandalf told me to sit in the spa to loosen my muscles for a bit. I've been pretty irritable and edgy lately.

T: He told me the same thing. 

(OH GANDALF you silly schnerg!)

T: So I guess we should start collaborating on our plans on facing this place.

M: I'm a solo class. I don't know if I really need any help. I've had a plan for a while.

T: There are lots of elites on Dark Mountain. No offense, but it's not a place where most people survive without help. 

M: With all do respect, you don't know me and what my abilities entail. I've developed a tanking offspec and should be fine.

T: We all have that.

M: What??

T: Come on over here, I've gotta show you something.

*Hesitantly, I follow him over to the co-ed changing area. We go into a handicapped change room. His eyes start glowing fel-green and all of a sudden, kinda transparent green wings pop out of his back and two small green horns erupt from his forehead.

T: See, I can do it too.

M: Omg, that's awesome!!!

T: Take out yours!

*I shut my eyes peacefully, then when they opened, they were full of purple glowing light. My wings slowly opened as my horns came out. 

T: Awww, that was the most graceful metamorph I've ever seen.

M: (glaring at him), My aggro table is higher. I can feel it. 

T: Yeah, probably. I just got this stance a few weeks ago. I'm still adjusting.

M: I've had it since I was 4.

T: Well, if we need a tank for any of these parts, you will be doing it then. My resistances are only about 4.5%.

M: (feeling cocky) Mine totaled are about 50%.

T: Is that why you're purple instead of green?

M: I'm not sure. I've been purple as long as I can remember.

We end the conversation by exchanging contact information to prepare for our upcoming mission.

- - -

Dark Mountain Day

He shows up in a beat up black ford ranger with a black tonneau cover. 

(It's funny that I found this picture, because he actually used to drive a truck irl, lmao what are the odds?)

I show up in my old civic, but instead of it being white, it was black. 

What's funny about it is that this car above, is that it totally looked like mine (irl) - rims and all, just black instead of white.

Anyway, as soon as I get there, he's already there waiting. He teases me because I had hello kitty wings stickered to the back of my window (along with angel hello kitty car stuff all over the place). What's funny is that irl, this is how i decorated my vehicle.

It was this theme, lol just on the inside of my car (carseats, steering wheel cover, automatic shifting cover, dashboard cover, etc.). Even the center rings on my rims were blue to match and my aftermarket cool air intake was bright blue, just to match. The OCD runs strong in this one, lmao. This was all IRL - but just in my dream, it happened to be on a black car instead. (God i'm trying to find a picture of my car on photobucket, but I can't.)

Anyway, he makes fun of my car in a teasing manner. 

T: You have to show off the wings somehow...

M: What? I can't help what I like.

T: It's okay, me too. 

*He brings me over to his truck and on the back of his black ranger, he had a pair of small demon wings stickered onto the bed door and on the front of his truck had a pair of demon horns. Much like this: 

Except smaller and think, more Illidan looking.

- - -

After gawking at the cars for a bit, we had to get our shit going. 

M: We should contact Gandalf and find out what to avoid or do for this mission.

T: Not to be a complete nerd, but I don't use the orb to contact Gandalf. I have my orb tethered to my phone.

(I'm thinking that it's pretty cute that he's done that, but he doesn't know the level of nerdy that I am)

M: Me too. :)

T: What? How did you do that?

I brought him over to the trunk of my car and open it. There's a bunch of crossbows/bows/ammo/grenades, on the right, and on the left, there's a fairly large locked black box. I open the black box to show a digital command center that connects to satellite and my phone. Imagine the box that holds the quidditch stuff - the quaffle, the snitch, and the bludgeons. It was like that but it secured the orb in the center. 

T: OH man, I just have my orb sitting on my carseat.

M: We die if that orb dies. You've gotta protect it. Bring it over here.

I lift that top row of stuff out of the box to expose a secondary orb carrying spot underneath it. 

M: Put it here.

He puts it in the spot, we secure it and call Gandalf.

T: Yes Gandalf, we've gotten acquainted. Yes, yes. Poison? Okay. 

M: Will you let me talk to him?!

T: Alright, no no, mmhmm. Yes, sir. I'll relay the message. /click

M: WTF MAN? We're supposed to be a team?

T: He specifically said that I had to relay the messages to you. That it was a trust building exercise.

M: (bitchily) Well, what do we need to do then, boss?

T: He said there were lots of poisonous creatures up there - gas clouds, acid, poison darts. We need to have plate on & respiratory protection.

M: k

We start putting on our gear and it looks identical. SO SO FUCKING HOT, LOL. Seriously, seriously, fucking amazingly hot.

It was black leather covered by golden plate. 

I almost want to go onto my diablo character, JUST to take a screenshot to show what it looked like. You know what? I WILL.

This was taken last night - I was doing torment 2. I tried torment 3, but my gear was just not sufficient enough yet. It would take fucking forever. Chris ended up wanting to play, so I rushed him through master because he doesn't have the expansion.

Anyway, this is what I looked like - aside from the pink and white. LOL It was all black and gold. He was the same - without the fairy wing shoulders. It was very very very very hot.

He said to bring out our 'respiratory protection' and it happened to be the mask from Borderlands, lmao. I KNOW, super nerd, right?

M: Where did you get your gear from?

T: Funny enough, Ms. Lee from the ballet studio down town. She makes me pick it up from the back. Where do you get it from?

M: Mr. Lee from the Tae Kwon Do studio downtown. :)

- - -

T: I just got my Marauder's cape, but I won't be using it this time.

M: Why not? Isn't that legendary? 

(As we leave, he shows me his cape. The stats are amazing, but not really meant for a co-op.)

T: I have another cape from another mission that I did that allows invisibility for my party. I'll be equipping that one today.

M: Nice, I have an engineering cloak that provides significant threat reduction and camouflage. :)

- - -

We get to the base of the mountain and encounter our first mob. He notices how 'tiny' I am and starts teasing me a bit. 

T: Is that ever a hindrance? I mean you've gotta be the tiniest DH i've ever seen. Doesn't that make it hard to get over stuff?

M: Sometimes yes, but It makes me good at other things.

T: Like what? Being small?

There were two elite mobs next to each other. The only way to get through would either be to fight them (which would be lethal) or to go around stealthily.

M: See those two mobs, I can stealth inbetween them.

T: Lets not make this a 'who has a bigger penis' match.

I stealthed between the mobs and made it to the entrance of the cave/mountain. 

M: Get over here, McCocky.

T: There is no way I am going to make it through there undetected. There isn't a point to failing this mission right off the bat.

I stealthed back through the mobs back to Tim.

T: Okay, you definitely make up for your size in other abilities. I stand corrected.

M: Lets go!

We start sprinting up the hill and reach a mini boss; A mini-Minotaur. It wasn't that mini. 

T: There isn't room to kite him here.

M: I can evasion tank him, but you'll need to pop wings just in case his aggro is unpredictable. 

T: I'll metamorph for higher dps. That should make up for the lack of dps. 

M: EXCUSE ME?

T: We'll you'll be in tank stance, right?

As I roll my eyes and pull the mini boss, I think I'm out dpsing him easily in my stupid 'tank stance'. Feeling confident, I continue doing what I'm doing. The boss enrages and starts SLAMMING me. 

M: OH SHIT, he really hurts!

Tim double metamorphs (yeah it was fucking amazing) in both stances. He managed to combine the dps stance & tanking stance and since he didn't practice tanking as much in that stance, didn't use provocation. He MISDIRECTED to himself - then shot his bow at the boss. OMGOMGOMG *SQUEEEEEEE* XD It was pretty cute. I did make fun of him though, because he shot his bow horizontally (despite his accuracy).

T: I can't hold him long so hurry up and take him down.

M: YOU shoot your bow horizontally?! WTF who taught you how to shoot? You're gonna shoot gangster style?

T: Fucking DPS this boss!

I switch to my dps metamorph and shoot him with everything I had. We end up taking down this epic monster and we both tanked him & both dpsed. I checked my dps meter on my watch and although it said we both did comparable dps, because he saved me and switched stances, his dps took a bit of a hit after so I ended up slightly beatinig him. I was impressed.

M: You still managed to keep up, despite combining stances. I didn't even know you could do that. 

T: Yeah, that's my specialty. I can do both at the same time.

M: I can't do that. I can do one or the other - well, just not at the same time. 

T: Maybe it's why we're assigned to work together. We balance each other out, I guess.

SMILES AND PAUSES

T: I don't have any health regeneration food with me, unfortunately.

I handed him some green tea hard candies.

M: Here, I made them myself. They restore health & energy quickly as long as you're eating them. :)

T: I don't know about green tea candies. It sounds kinda weird! (He says jokingly)

M: They're delicious, quit your crying, Princess.

T: Thank you. :)

- - -

AND THEN I WOKE UP. I WOKE UP SAYING NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I'M NOT DONE YET!!!!!!!

IT WAS THAT GOOD.

/sigh. 

MANNNN. MANNN. MANNNNNNNNNNNNN.

My version of sexy dreams are not scantilly clad guys being sexual. My sexy fucking awesome hotness scale dreams are of Demon Hunters in leather and plate. Fucking magic cloaks and metamorph tanking. SO FUCKED UP NERDY?!!!

I LOVE IT.

The fire burns.

GOD, I'm upset.

I'm so angry & frustrated. Actually, I'm sad first and foremost, angry, frustrated, and disappointed.

There is a fire in my heart that burns and not in a good way.

It's not always like this, truly. I've been happier lately. I just have off days. Today is Canadian Thanksgiving. There should be a boatload of things I should be thankful for, and I am - essentially thankful for things...and not at the same time.

I'm fucking pissed and tired of being happy for everyone else. Reminding everyone of all the good points in life and being their fucking compass to happiness. I'm sick of being a beacon of godforsaken light for the world. I feel like Nicholas fucking Cage in "City of Angels". Don't ask. I'm a fucking cheeseball romantic and it's a good movie.  I don't know how that made any sense, but it did in the moment. (he just wants to be human)

Iain:  You're a strong lady, you just dun give yourself enough credit
Michie: I'm not that strong - just strong for others. YOU know what I'm like because you're the same way.
Iain: That takes more strength than being strong for yourself
Michie: I guess so? It sucks to feel broken so much though.
Iain: The broken ones are the ones who change the world, cherie. We are not held in one shape, we can reform ourselves however we like.
Michie: This epiphany has not struck me yet. I hear what you're saying, but can't agree or disagree. I haven't leveled up enough irl

I can't shape myself to 'how I like'. I'm the way I am. JUST me. I will always be overly compassionate, loving, and have a GODFORSAKEN rescuer complex. 

SOMEONE FUCKING PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERY because I CAN'T STOP.

- - -

So things I do to feel better:

Read WoW pick up lines:

"Despite being specced into IMPROVED DISCIPLINES, its never long until I FLURRY. I’ll make one LAST STAND before I end up SUNDERING myself and you’re left waiting for my SECOND WIND."

"Okay click it. Now click it again! Keep clicking until she comes!"

"Hey I completely understand if you like to go both ways, I can turn into a buff male demon every 5 minutes just for you."

"Relationships come and go, but STDs are BoP"

"Everyone knows we don’t need pick-up lines, every good paladin knows how to use his hands."

"Long ago my blessings only lasted 5 mins, now I can go for 30."

"Are you a warlock? Cause your ass is on FIRE"

"Hey baby, are you a jewelcrafter? Cause your eyes look like pristine sapphires."

"Do you have Omen installed? Cause you're on top of my threat meter."

"My Heart is BoP and you just rolled Need"

"Wanna take my Swift Pink Hawkstrider for a ride?"

"Hey Baby, you can summon my Imp!"

"Want to touch my Staff of Rampant Growth?"

- - -

k i'm going to try to not hate everything ever and attempt to queue for 15 minutes for a fucking 5 minute heroic so I can get RE-exalted with shit that I was already exalted with.

THERE IS NO XO's when the fire rages this hard.

M

Tidal Wave

Now Playing: Bruno Mars - Talking to the Moon

It has been a tidal wave of random shit the past few months.

Today, I am making a conscious choice to feel better. It's not like I haven't made a choice to feel better lately either, lol. I just woke up with a child knee-on-kneeing me and thought to myself, HOLY CRAP, it begins...and it's only 7:30.

"I can't think of it like this. This isn't shitty. She's being playful. It's an accident."

CONSCIOUS CHOICES.

- - -

I played WoW a decent amount last night to detach myself from everything painful that was going on. It did the job. I raided and although I didn't actually find 'happiness' in LFRing, it did the job in providing me something else to focus on aside from grief.

What's really funny is that I seem to perform better the sadder I am and the more I try to 'forget' about being so sad. It's like, my body does this thing where I 'try harder' in hopes to hyper focus to not feel.

The dps below wasn't actually all that impressive.

After this boss fight, this Shaman started messaging me and we had a good laugh. He was geared similarly to me (literally, I think we have the same iLvl) and was complimenting my dps. I think it's funny that with some people, you have to 'beat' them for them to have any respect for you. Why can't we just respect people for being people? It blows my mind. 

Anyway, I asked why he didn't ever die in AoE pulls. I was getting frustrated because of the tanking ability. Some of the tanks that we had brought were more than adequately geared yet the threat generation was bupkiss. If a tank is expecting to tank a LFR that requires a certain iLvl to join, they should be able to handle the threat generation coming from the team. 

The funny part was that I was dying like crazy yesterday. I usually have better survivability, but dear lord, the poor tanks just couldn't get enough aggro on the adds. I was tempted to switch specs and just fucking tank the shit myself. If i'm already getting hit, I may as well have better survivability, hahahaha.

Anyway, Chinta, this draenei Shaman, mentioned that they have an aoe aggro drop ability on short CD. THAT is retarded. SERIOUSLY, he would do a significant amount of aoe damage and NOT even get high on threat. I did the same thing, had to soulshatter, and within seconds, have to fucking demonic sacrifice, unending resolve, then stack my healthstone & dark regeneration, and HOPE - just HOPE that it's enough to live through the beating that my little cloth wearer will take.

Lots of deaths.

I wish you could just switch to Dark Apotheosis in a snap instead of having to spec switch - like a stance in all trees, except the spells would slightly vary. I guess it would make the game TOO complex, but it would be awesome if they actually made it a viable tanking spec. :P I would do it, seriously. If there's any warlock that would - I would. I'm not that confident in tanking, but I'm pretty confident @ warlocking. <3

Like seriously? That's pretty fucking cool. I know she's a gnome. I know gnomes aren't really 'cool' lol, but she's fucking badass. MAN, DEMWINGS! 

Sometimes I want to race change her to being a blood elf - but honestly, lets be real. Who would really support that? I don't even know if deep down, I could. My warlock has looked the same for 10 years, hahahaha. I partially did that on purpose because initially, I had intended to play my Night Elf hunter, Eribus (who's now Michié on hyjal). She was my first actual character on NZ. I couldn't bring myself to play a NE, funny enough - so I made a gnome warrior (that looks exactly like my lock) and twinked her at 19. I had so much fun pvping on her at 19 that I left her there. Then I made a dwarf priest (and I SWEAR i thought I would level her...) but she was so ugly that I ended up race changing her after about 30 levels or so a few years later. 

Anyway, my point was - Tamayo, an old NO MOO friend of mine explained why it felt so good to beat up on Taurens or other Horde (Hoorde) as a gnome. "There's nothing more satisfying than giving grief (in pvp) to an enemy as a Gnome. It's the biggest slap in the face because we can't even reach their faces. It's like, 'you got beat by a gnome. a girl gnome with princess leia buns. you fail.'"

I never agreed with that last part, "you fail." mentality. Dald would say that shit too. If I would beat him in something, he would say, "oh man I am fucking terrible...". SERIOUSLY, maybe you were having an off day. Maybe you're not a good player. More realistically though, had it ever occurred to them that they weren't being terrible and that I had just done a good job? JESUS, men are so retarded sometimes. I know I may look like a girl and lets be honest - act super girly sometimes, but I am no novice to gaming. I HATE that shit!! LOL!! It makes me want to 'play' that part and pretend like I never know anything about anything because I'm tired of the 'oh GOD I SUCK because this girl beat me' bullshit. You don't suck, I'm just better sometimes. Sometimes I suck really bad too. We're always going to find people who are more skilled or have better gear. We shouldn't judge ourselves harshly because they're doing well. I just strive to be more like them and to learn from them. GOOD FOR THEM. They're fucking badass with their fucking best in slot gear. I HOPE that I can be relatively similar at some point.

It's part of gaming. Lots of this shit is PROC based (especially this expansion). 

I hate proc and love it too. It's a weird combination. It's so unpredictable, but sometimes when I get everything to proc at once, It feels like fucking Christmas. 

"I HAVE TO SHOOT SOMETHINGOMGOGMOMG."

Oh dear Lord, especially on my hunter when she was Beast Mastery. Fucking shit would light up all the time like a rave and I wanted to press everything. My kids would be playing in the play room and Izzy would run in saying, "Mommy are you okay? You're smashing the keyboard!" hahahahahaha

OKAY speaking of Proccing, LMAO, now to get back on point. 

- - -

I had an okay time LFRing. It's never my favorite thing to do in this game. I know, what? I used to love raiding before. It's not a confidence issue, it's a boredom thing because we used to raid with a whole group of friends and now it's just two of us and the people in LFR are somewhat special sometimes. I'm not being judgmental, I'm being honest. Since it's random placement based on gear item level, the raids are often a mix of skilled and unskilled players. It's a buffet of manliness. 

LOL

It's not that I don't have fun with Andy. I totally do. I wouldn't be raiding if I wasn't raiding with a friend. If I were alone, there would absolutely no point, legendary cloak or not. I'd rather be doing other things. LFRing is just not the most fun we could be having in the game. 

Don't get me wrong, some of the bosses are fun. I have a special word that most often times speaks to me, "Mechanics". Being a game design major, I usually love learning new mechanics of boss fights & game play. I'm drawn to learning different elements needed to complete quests, scenarios, or boss fights. It's fun. Some of the boss fights in this expansion make me want to rip someones jugular out of their neck though. 

Like, there is this one boss fight where you have to kill this fucking metal machine-like scorpion that spits out tar and fire then decides to fucking chuck you like dirty underwear.

I STILL don't even know the mechanic in this game. Maybe I'm just that retarded, but I seem to die at every single encounter with this asshole. Last night was the first night that I hadn't died - but to my luck, my internet had decided to shit the bed mid-boss fight. I probably would have died. 

There's also another boss fight where you fight this guy called the Sha of Pride. People get trapped in these thingies and you have to (i think....) stand on these circles where they're trapped until they get untrapped. I have no idea really how this works. I don't know how it impacts the boss or his health, resistances, etc. I have absolutely no idea how it actually correlates to the outcome of this boss fight other than provides an added element of difficulty - instead of just being a 'tank and spank'. I do well on this boss fight (if i'm not dead) usually, but I greatly dislike it for being the way it is. 

Good incentives in would would be:

1) Time based ones: that depending on the duration of untrapping players, the outcome would be varied:

A) Very fast: that it would allow the players to be buffed.

B) Normal: it would trigger more adds to spawn 

C) Very Slow: that the boss would mini enrage and start one shotting people

Incentives. COME ON, MAN. Items to use on the boss, buffs, debuffs, movement, time, special grouping, specific classes needed (or abilities). Incentives to perform well!

YEESH. YEEESH.

Yes my super nerd just exposed itself a little, but I'm really passionate about it. I feel like if I'm paying fucking $15 bucks a month and fucking thousands of dollars in to Blizzard over the span of 10 years, you better be providing me incentive game play. I'm fucking PAYING for it.

- - -

OKAY I'm sorry - I totally went on longer than I wanted to about that.

My point was, I wasn't having super fun in LFR, but Andy and I went to the Timeless Isles just to play around with my offspec (demonology, but specifically Dark Apotheosis) after raiding. It's a warlock-tanking spec. Completely nonviable, but super fun. Anyway, we were kinda competing for aggro while killing elites. It was seriously the most I've laughed and smiled in a long time (in this game). I know, fucked up, hey? Causing a good friend misery is not so nice. I wasn't trying to cause misery. It's just the fact that it's crazy threat generation and I wasn't even really using it properly to play 'fair'. 

What I mean is that, I have a taunt and his prot warrior has a taunt as well. My taunt and his taunt are quite different though as mine is 'Provocation' and I use it to taunt the target right off the bat. It allows my concurrent spells to build threat significantly faster. It basically exponentially grows my threat through normal spells. Also, I can use it as a normal 'taunt' considering its' short cooldown. His taunt works just as a taunt - where if the target looks a player, he can make it look back at him but it doesn't increase his threat generation.

We made an agreement to take 'taunt' off our bars. I didn't really remove it, but I just didn't use it past that point.

It actually caused me to really have to try hard to generate good threat, hahahaha. He would win most of the time. I know, big surprise, the protection warrior gets more aggro. The effort it took was ridiculous. I know, it's kind of not fair - considering he is a prot warrior, but we made the agreement, because if I had used my taunt right off the bat, it would've been pretty difficult for any tanking class for that matter, to pull aggro off of me. The threat generation is quite substantial. It's fun! :P Not to mention, her survivability is significantly higher in that stance because It automatically reduces my physical damage by 14% and magic damage by 15%. I also have Aura of Enfeeblement (curse of weakness that is now an aura and fucking amazing) that's essentially a demoralizing shout aura that reduces melee damage by 10% and speeds up my cast time by 50%. Basically lets me spam those high threat generating spells TWICE AS FAST!! YES. YES. YES. I'm essentially in shitty plate, hahahaha.

Anyway, I had a ton of fun playing around in the last hour of just messing around with this off spec. I don't know what was fun more, the misery of making Andy frustrated by providing him a challenge or the fact that I was indeed pulling off of him and tan.... surviving fine. I can't even bring myself to say the word, HAHAHAHA. :P

K sorry about this long winded post. I had a lot of happy going on and had to vent it out. :)

I foresee much more playing around with this spec in the near future. :P

xo

M