After this, I had a lengthy convo with my good friend Iain. I am the epitome of the knight in shining armor. I am that dude that comes in to help or be there for people that need anything - unbiased and unjudging. I just have this fucked up ideal of making people feel like a million bucks regardless if they deserve it or not.
When they get to the point where I've contributed to the growth of enough confidence and/or gotten what they needed out of me, it enables them to grow enough balls to pursue people they initially hadn't had enough balls to pursue initially and drop off the face of the earth (until they need something from me again).
I am the placeholder friend (typically without sexual benefits), the understudy, that fills the void until they're ready to grow a pair.
I like to call it, "the silver medal".
If it were just once or twice, I wouldn't be so hard on myself. Unfortunately, it's happened to every relationship & best friend relationship I've had since high school.
After talking with Iain (whom I have this bond with because he also is like me in a sense where we either get friendzoned if we're single and/or indirectly used on the regular), we've come to the conclusion that this will never end. It will never end because this is who we are. We'll always be loving, selfless, and overly caring individuals. Unconfident people flock to us looking for sunshine and rainbows. We can't help but bring people up because it makes us happy. Then the indirect taking advantage part comes into play. We're just a crutch in their lives. They all claim to love us, but we're so easily casted aside after we're no longer needed.
Story of my life. Story of Iain's life.
What's even more ruthless about this is that even in my current situation, although I know Chris loves me, he struggles with difficulty in showing any love, which furthermore contributes to this "absolutely unlovable complex".
Initially, I cried about this for a lot of yesterday and did my whole pity party about, "Dear god I didn't think I was that awful and unlovable."
Reality is, I am lovable. I love myself - otherwise I wouldn't have conviction in my decisions. I just have put myself out there and made myself venerable to the wrong people. I make poor choices in friends because I'm gullible. I will believe it when you tell me that I'm the best friend ever so you can get whatever you're looking for, companionship, fun, happiness, confidence, etc. Then when I get casted aside when something better comes along, I'll question if any of it was real to begin with.
I want to believe that my first boyfriend of all time (who loved me harder than anyone I've ever had a relationship with had), truly loved me at one point. That he at one point, truly believed that I was "it", despite life altering our courses. He even promised that we'd save our virginity till marriage because he loved me enough to wait. He said it'd be the ultimate wedding gift. I know, so much cheese.
It's just hard to believe that nowadays.
He knew a girl that went to high school with him that was close to my ethnicity and was into video games as well. I knew he thought she was "a cool chick" for a long time. He never once brought her up with me because dear lord, we all know how awkward would that be to talk to a girl you're into about another girl you're into, especially when she's sort of like the bigger breasted version of the first one.
So he did what all of them do and dropped off the face of the earth and started going out with her. Told me that he lost his virginity a few months later, just as a zinger.
Thanks for that.
Later on years later he told me, "I'm glad that we're still friends. You were the perfect preparation for my relationship."
Damon also told me the same thing when he started going out with his current wife (the half Filipina). "We're just placeholders until something better comes along."
I was Josh's best friend until he met his new gf, Chinese Filipina lawyer chick in the gaming industry. Then we literally haven't talked for years. Years. He was smart enough to not tell me that I was a placeholder though, despite the reality.
Frank used me as placeholder until he was ready to come out. Literally super lead me on - introduced me to his parents, the whole 9 yards. Didn't even tell me he was gay until I was in too deep.
Fuck my life, seriously. No fuck guys. They're assholes. I'm not a fucking placeholder, I'm fucking awesome. If you can't be friends with me after finding someone else, if I'm just casted aside like a used tampon because I'm taken, or you've found someone better, dear lord get the fuck out of my life.
Some of my friends tease me about the aggro in my life and how I couldn't possibly know what real rejection is like. Are you fucking insane? You don't know what rejection is like. My life has been a constant rejection cycle. I just have gotten so used to it, I believe that it's just what I deserve or get. That I'm broken and it's better than nothing.
Ok, phew, so that's my schpeel.
I'm so sick today, lol. I thought it was getting better yesterday, but I'm so sick I can't get out of bed. My head is full of phlegm and grossness.
Hopefully it'll pass soon because I need to get better for next week. I'm flying solo down to SoCal for thanksgiving because my kuya wants me to be there when he proposes to his longtime gf. I can't wait. I'll be visiting with some no moo friends and hopefully justin can come up to catch a movie with us. <3
He's conflicted right now because he feels like he's in the middle. I deleted him off of battle.net in the attempts to not be so bothersome or annoying. That only pissed him off more so I readded him. I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to lose my friendship with justin. He's been my friend forever. I also don't want to put him in anymore uncomfortable situations. I'm sorry fufeface. I told you, I'm awful.
Well this is where I'm at. Sick and in hiding. I wrote a goodbye letter to Andy in WoW just as a kind gesture. I have no intention of talking to him again. The fear of being manipulated or taken advantage of is too great. I don't know what to believe anymore and frankly it doesn't matter. I'm not sorry (for fucking once in my life). I want to believe that nothing was intended to be malicious, and that he'd never want to hurt me, but I can't.
They all knew what they were getting into, so forgive me for the lack of sympathy.
I'm gonna go hate guys for a while now lol and do my best to live freely for a while. See how that goes for me.
Xo
eM
