Canada supports their stay at home moms well, I'll give them that. :)
I got a cheque for 4k this morning randomly. Hahaha ;)
I got paid a bit later because of Canadian thanksgiving last month I think, so it rolled over to this month.
It's not crazy money, but it's mine (well no I give it to the kids) but still, it's mine for the decision making. It's just a nice bonus on top of Chris' stipend. :) it makes living quite comfortable and allows us to work on our relationship.
Don't get me wrong, we still have a ways to go and I'm not sure some things can ever be repaired. One wonderful thing about Chris though, is that I never had to question his loyalty. He may have a hard time showing love and cheese the way I would, but his love doesn't waver from stress. His behaviours do, but the way he feels about me doesn't. It's nice to know that I'm completely "the one" for him with no, "ifs, ands, or buts" involved.
I'm working on him being "it". I love my husband. There was a time where he was anything and everything I needed. This mental illness problem we've encountered in our relationship has changed many things. It's opened the doors to patience, effort, and perseverance. Something noobs in life can't fathom (including myself sometimes).
I fall out of love when the behaviours are at a high then have to do my best to fall back in love. It gets harder as the years pass. What I'm trying to fathom is not falling out of love to begin with. Trying to be OP at the "compassionate" spell/talent and spam it like we've got an enrage timer. Hahahaha you know what I mean. Don't hate on the nerdy. <3
I'm still a noob at life.
Like I said, if I think I'm a noob, dear lord, my husbands 2 years younger. God knows men are oblivious idiots.
Idiots.
I am smart. I do know better, which is why I stayed to participate in therapy so my children would be the least affected by out bullshit. "I have some major limitations up here." It became "nazi canada" for a reason. Bad reasons, but reasons enough. There were/kinda still are some major control issues that we are working on. The goal was to be rid of those major issues before the coming year and re-examine our relationship.
Tbh, I'm kind of happy the way things are going between Chris and I right now. It feels like it's taking fucking forever. It's $110 per hour and we must have gone 40 times. I do have more compassion for him and I definitely have more self worth.
I'm finding that I don't discriminate against men (or people in general), lol and that's the problem. I am one of those people that just don't judge and am a good person to anyone - if they need help. I fucking spread love and sunshine. I'm one of those people who holds signs at county fairs that say "free hugs" and wonders why I got raped or mugged. Hahahaha that's such an awful analogy.
K the point is - because I don't have a QA people department in my soul, my brain and heart, judge for me and they end up letting everyone in because I have enough love for all the orphans, small abandoned animals, and snuggly things in the WORLD.
This is the cause for being taken for granted or taken advantage of. No one wants to do that to me, because I'm sweet and loving. It's like breaking a child's toy on purpose. We joke about it but honestly, could you seriously handle crushing that child like that? I get that people don't want to hurt me. :) it's reassuring.
I just get my role in life now. It makes it easier when I can prepare to encounter this kind of stuff ahead of time. I am a blessing for others. I can't expect anything in return aside from their satisfaction or happiness. If I'm not helping others, I'm not doing my job. The end. Maybe this is truly gods plan - maybe I'm just a chronic sweetheart. Either way, at least I'm prepared. :)
xo
eM
