Hey! I thought I had already gotten over a cold, wtf man! This lingering cold will just not quit. Just feeling pretty awful today.
It's this feeling of cold where you just can't get warm despite the amount of blankets you put on or heater you're blasting. GUHH. I took my cold fx today as well as a neocitran (theraflu), because I literally can't fucking breathe, lol.
On another random note, I played WoW for a millisecond today, lol. Yeah, it was okay. They did a great job, don't get me wrong. There are many improvements in the game and lots (I MEAN LOTS) of nostalgia. I seriously get all schnerg-like when I zone into 'Shadowmoon Valley'. It's the little things, lol. I just haven't really gotten too attached to the game as much as I thought I would've.
What makes D3 more worth it (for me at least)? Because I don't have time in my life for a 'time dump'. I need the ability to do a 15min grift and that's it sometimes. I need to be able to solo and do my own thing without needing to party for instances if I want better gear. I need a light - but hardcore game. WoW is too fucking labor intensive. Seriously, if you want to do anything well in that game, prepared to either spend forever (or a decade) to progress well, or prepare to gouge your eyes out from grinding shit. It's the nature of an MMO. I don't hate it - trust me, I truly don't. I just don't have the patience for it anymore.
I enjoy playing with my friends too much to prioritize random bullshit quests that take up my time. I mean seriously, in the scope of my life - those quests (no offense) waste my time. I'd rather be laughing with my friends doing a mundane grift. I know it's not like that for everyone - that's just me. I'm not hating, I just know better now. Life is too short to spend without laughter. I just notice the more I solo shit in WoW, the less patient with people I become. I dunno, it comes with the territory I guess. I just fucking hate who I become when I play that shit for too long.
Playing d3 forces me to either have short spurts of hard gaming, or long plays laughing with friends. Either way, my heart is considerably lighter when i'm gaming with friends there.
- - -
On another note, Christopher and I had the biggest fight we've had in a few months last night. I dunno what the fuck is going on with him, but we finished up the mortgage situation - he was doing pretty well up until that point and what do you think happened? When things go good for him, that's when shit has to start going downhill. I will never fucking understand that shit. It drives me insane. Like literally, I feel like I'm going crazy, because he transitions behind 'the wall' or in 'the pit' so easily that I must be crazy because I don't see how the fuck he got in there to begin with. His cycle is all about rejection and neglect. He's just completely dismissive and is an asshole. The world revolves around him and he's impatient and cold to everyone. Apologizes all the time for his behavior, but does absolutely nothing to correct it. YELLS. Yes, he yells, demands, criticizes, etc. then apologizes again, then does the whole thing over again.
What do I do? I don't take it well, obviously. Who would? What sane person (fuck, sane or NOT) could continue to live without love and interact with someone who is regularly ungentle and unkind without any repercussions? I fucking have no idea how to do this anymore.
Our therapist says we're going the right direction. Obviously, away from wanting to hang myself would be a good direction. I just can't foresee this improving until he gets his childhood trauma ptsd stuff out of the way first. He has major control issues. No seriously. He has this super ptsd trauma of never being allowed to make his own mistakes without being in trouble or something. Never being able to choose what to do on his own. I don't really know what his specific trauma is (he explains to robin that there are quite a few things that it could be from so he can't pinpoint which trauma). Anyway, because of these trauma ptsd things that continue to cause him to fight or flight, absolutely anything I do can trigger this behavior. I not ONLY cannot make him happy, I basically run the risk of consistently triggering this awful behavior by just EXISTING - just because it is from TRAUMA.
FUCK MY LIFE.
So what's my role in this entire fucking cycle? MY JOB, is literally to "tolerate" his behavior better, i.e. be more understanding to his behavior. Someone is spanking my child, or locking her in her room in the dark, yelling at her to 'shut up' and I go upstairs upset. WHAT THE FUCK am I supposed to say? You think I'm going to just have a smile and hold him until he calms down? What the fuck!?! This is fucking ridiculous. I fucking stormed upstairs today and ran into Izzy's room, turned on the light and held her until she stopped hyperventilating. Confronted her father who was blaming everything on the 4 year old.
M: "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"
C: "She threw the leap pad."
M: "I don't give a flying fuck if she threw the DOG. It is never okay to hit her that hard 3 times, drag her to her room (with her screaming bloody murder), and lock her in there in the dark."
C: "Yeah you wouldn't be pissed of if she did that with you around?!"
M: "OF COURSE I WOULD BE PISSED. She also doesn't do that shit around me because we don't get to the point of boredom where she'd be fucking wanting to chuck things."
C: "Are you saying that I need to do everything. That you can do whatever the fuck you feel like doing and I need to do everything else."
M: "I'm fucking SICK. YES. FUCKING GROW UP AND HANDLE IT."
I heard the hits from the office downstairs. The screams were awful. Like seriously, this shit has got to stop.
Sometimes he assumes peoples' personalities or aspects of it. I don't now how, I don't know why, all I know is that he does it. This week, he's Gord. Not the loving grandpa Gord, but the distant, incapable of showing love and gentleness, so anxious he's just shy of having a panic attack, judgmental and overly critical - yet passive aggressive so he can't actually say what he's upset about guy. Like, we had sex, to make him feel more 'in control' literally - because he basically felt like he had no control over anything. I don't fucking understand how that happens. How the whole assuming personalities thing comes into play. It fucking freaks me out - because it's like i'm married to some fucking completely different person. No seriously, on the scariness scale - it's fucking scary as hell. My husband wouldn't normally hurt my daughter - to the point where we have to work on him not enabling her. This week, he justifies hurting her by saying that he used his left hand instead of his right hand.
Like seriously? Give me a fucking break.
I feel like an awful person for having A COLD. Because I'm sluggish and tired. Because I'm coughing a lot and using my fucking inhaler. I'm not even allowed to fucking be SICK without any repercussions.
If i take a break or take time to myself, HE HAS to take time also. AT THE SAME TIME, mind you. There is no concept in his (I want to add curse words here but I'm refraining) brain, of looking after his wife and kids, especially if his wife is under the weather. I don't have a husband that takes care of me. He can hardly take care of himself. WHY DID I MARRY HIM? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?
NOW, I can't even take it back even if I wanted to.
It's never going to end.
I get to a place in my heart where it feels so hopeless that my whole body feels empty.
My heart is broken. I think it's going to stay that way for a really long time. I thought things were going well. They'll never go well. My kids will grow up with so many problems because I married THIS man. I've never met a more complicated person in my life. What's the most fucked up part is that he's not actually complicated at all - he just MAKES things complicated because that's easier to deal with for him. The stress of a complicated life, is comforting. I will never understand and it breaks my heart that my children will learn this behavior as a normal behavior.
I wish I could've married Kit Harington. I wish he could've fucking swept me off my feet and taken me to England where my children could've grown up with English accents and had afternoon tea and crumpets. Oh to dream. I would have rocked his world, just sayin'! lol
God it feels good to vent. I was apprehensive of going back upstairs before venting because I KNOW we would get into some bullshit argument because he wasn't fully present and only comprehended half of what the fuck I was actually saying. Criticizing how I said it, tonality, or the symantics.
Like yesterday, he was blasting Eminem on his headset. I couldn't tell if he could hear me well or not. He died 45 times doing a rift, so I was telling him how to beat it. I started raising my voice a little because his music was fucking blasting. He managed to criticize me on not only the words I used - but the fact that I was helping him at all to begin with. Then he proceeded to say that he didn't need my fucking help and that he didn't care what my friends thought of him (after they had so kindly invited him to play with us).
What an idiot. Seriously, you make yourself look like such a douche. No, I take that back. You ARE a douche. You're a self absorbed asshole that can't fucking be empathetic to save your life. You will forever be lonely and NO one will like you because of HOW you behave and HOW you treat people (nevertheless how you treat your wife and children). He's like, I never asked you to help me.
I didn't know that telling you how to beat the level - was an insult. Considering you died fucking 45 times, started hitting the table (smashing his fists on the table in frustration), and started yelling profanities while I was on skype with 3 other people. Like seriously, DO YOU ever STOP and look at yourself? What are you, 5 and having a tantrum? Because I decide to help you (because to be honest, it's bloody fucking embarrassing to be married to someone who does that shit, let alone have my 3 good friends hear you freak out), I'm going to be the lightning rod of hate - because I'm doing a kind gesture.
GO fuck yourself, you ungrateful fucking spoiled brat of a child.
I can't fucking do anything right, LMAO.
Seriously.
Seriously.
xo
eM
