Okay that first post totally didn't make any sense without context. Well, I guess it sort of did - but where did that come from? Hahaha
Justin and I were playing D3 last night. He mostly played his Demon Hunter and I played mine - although I did tank a bit on my Witch Doctor.
Every once in a while, I get random feelings of inadequacy. It probably has to do with my marriage - in a sense where we've got stuff we're working on. It all comes down to this cycle we have. There are pursuers and withdrawers. Chris is a pursuer and I'm a withdrawer. What, right? Normally you'd think it was the other way around - but it's not. Withdrawers can be aggressive also.
Anyway these behaviors cause a cycle. They both trigger fight, flight, or freeze responses. He pursues and I withdraw that causes him to pursue even more. Pursuing comes as restrictions, allegations, paranoia, emotional abuse or manipulation, etc. It's more of a controlling issue. Withdrawers - withdraw, detach, distract, move on, or retaliate (sometimes angrily) to prove a point (mostly to end conflict). Withdrawers hate to have unnecessary conflict, so they'd confront - to get the point out there and quickly get out of dodge.
The problem that we have is that Chris' pursuer thing starts it all. I know, how can I peg it on his issue because it's a cycle and mine continues the cycle also. I'm not pegging anything - I'm stating that his part of the cycle is the start. He has emotional regulation issues on the inside that he struggles controlling.
I figured it out a few days ago (i know wtf). It is BPD related, but what I figured out is something that he's never heard before. It was stupid accurate and helped us in what to do next.
Chris has an issue with commitment (as in effort in literally anything from putting his shoes on, to brushing his teeth, to finding his keys, communication, work, everything). He gets to a percentage of effort placed (lets just say it's around 40%) and he digs the heels in and finds reasons not to continue - or just doesn't continue. The reason why I was figuring out what this means - or the basis behind this was because it's the PRIMARY reason why we have such issues to begin with. At first I thought it WAS a BPD thing in a matter of mindfulness and presence, but after thinking about it more and rationalizing WHAT the actual behaviors are and how long they last, all his behaviors span from the lack of effort.
This lack of effort - reflects as laziness or a whack of other emotions. The reality is, this lack of effort is a stress thresh-hold or 'checkpoint' for lack of a better term. It all comes down to a matter of self esteem, lack of confidence, or insecurity that drives his decision making.
Let me explain. When he gets to that checkpoint or stress threshhold of 40%, he reaches a pre-climax of stress. For whatever reason, that specific stressor is comforting. JUST that. When it gets over that percentage of stressor, then it becomes destructive - self sabotage, etc. When it's at that stressor of 40%, he is able to get the job 'passably' done with marginal side effects. The hypersensitivity triggers fight or flight behaviors once he gets past that much effort put in - and because of the fact that he has a hard time emotionally regulating, it leads to aggression or self sabotage, even if the initial stressors were 'good stressors' (as in, he's succeeding in life).
So here comes the confusing part. Why does this happen? And how does it relate to self esteem and confidence?
His self esteem and confidence are so low that his importance and self worth are only determined by how dire the need is for him to put effort in. This struggle of procrastination and dire need (life or death) to complete a task (i.e. having a fire lit under your ass, like having your job on the line or marriage on the line), indirectly and unintentionally gives him atta boys and self esteem. What the heck, right? Okay let me try to explain this better. In having that dire need to complete something last minute, that struggle makes "his importance" dire and that negative feeling allows him is comforting (makes him feel good about himself). It unfortunately makes him feel important. I say unfortunate because he isn't normally able to see his importance in day to day life - without this fire lit under his ass.
So that's why his cycle continues. It's a self sabotage cycle - because he craves that needing to feel important feeling - thus the effort stays at 40% and doesn't increase until it direly HAS to. And in normal life, that is a rarity because nothing is truly LIFE or DEATH.
The hard part is that I'm NOT life or death. Nor is it easy for me to understand the process in which his mind works unless I'm sitting here literally trying to figure it out. While this is all going on for him - I struggle to find compassion and understanding in the decisions he makes. When I said this line of effort applies to everything and anything he does in life - I meant it. It literally is 'his way of life' in every aspect of his life - from talking, to eye contact, to putting his shoes on, to clumsiness, etc. It's just a lack of awareness and effort he consciously has. At first, I thought he didn't have a conscious choice - that he was just a clumsy guy or lacked presence.
That is true - but it's a choice. He gets to this threshhold of effort and 'cruise control' automatically turns on and the autopilot is not as coordinated as he would be. He could put more effort in - but as much as a disorganized sewing kit drives me nuts (ocd wise), it drives him nuts and elevates anxiety by the thought of putting more effort in. It's not fear based. Fear is used to cover up what it really is because the truth of the matter is that, the truth is more embarrassing than fear. The truth is that it's a self esteem/confidence builder. It's to feel important. Owning up to the matter of needing to feel more important is much harder than owning up to being fearful.
The hard part of this whole problem is that the quick fix for people like this is hearing good news or compliments from others. Like, needing peoples reassurance - usually bandaids the situation. Cheerleading - pep-talking, etc. That usually bandaids the situation.
I asked Chris what DBT told him to do about this situation - and he came out truthfully and told me that they never covered this. That it was spot on and amazing. I almost want to talk to someone about this to share this information because I truthfully think it would help many people struggling to find the point of the issue.
My thoughts on what to do...my solutions...
1) First step is to figure out where the threshhold is. I think a good plan would be to literally write out a situation and to find where this threshold lies. I'm sure the mark is different for everyone - but it usually seems to lay somewhere prior to climax - where the stress level is manageable yet starts incorporating dire need for completion.
2) Break it down. Take apart the task (however big or small it is) into smaller steps to make it easier to do piece by piece.
Prior to even allowing your body to regress to what's 'easy' or 'automatic', think about what the next steps in process would be to complete what you need to do and follow through on the task - despite how much slower it is. Sometimes (at least i've noticed with Chris) he shortcuts a lot of stuff. Shortcuts don't make your job any easier. If anything, they make your job sloppier and most likely will either get you in trouble, make you have to redo things, or make you fail altogether. Actively force yourself to DO the next step - regardless of how irrelevant it may seem.
In by doing that next step, it provides the atta boy/girl of completing that next little step. That's the first big step in the right direction. This time, it didn't get skipped.
3) Do the next step and the next step after that. One solitary, calculated, and crucial step at a time.
4) By the end - you should be focusing (or in their case, 'stressing over') on much on steps completed that the initial rush for finishing (or skipping to get it out of the way) should've been much more irrelevant.
I think by having this positive cycle of completion allows people to focus on the necessary order of priorities that need to be completed - instead of allowing the underlying insecurity to allow emotions to drive behaviors.
Don't get me wrong - DBT is definitely helpful - and I'm no expert in any of this. I'm just a nerd that knows how to problem solve. At least in my husband's case - I truly believe that his problems could be solved if he put 100% effort in everything he does. The problem is getting past that threshold. If he could focus on the steps independently instead of the entire task at hand (break down the activity in to bits) then the likelihood for success and a less concentration of this dire need to 'put shit on the backburner' comes into play if things are in pieces and easier to achieve.
I'm a nerd.
Sometimes when I have moments like this, it gives me atta girls - but not in a cocky and arrogant way, but moreso in a way that HOLY crap, thank god I figured that much out because it may actually help me with my family.
xo
eM
