Not to mention, a few other things that are just freaking awesome!! Like this shirt:
Can we say, rinoa???! I know, right? I love it. I think I'm too conservative to wear it alone, but I'd probably wear it overtop a bathingsuit in the summer. A BATHINGSUIT which i also did purchase:
I know, kinda old fashioned, but I saw it and love it. Dont get me wrong, there were SO many bathingsuits on sammydress that were cheap and adorable, but models make bathingsuits look so way better than what they'll look like on me LMAO. I've just gotta be real with my bodytype. Not knocking anything, but lets be real - a super lowrise bikini that rests under my caesarean scar is not going to look hot.
Like, i really fell for this bikini:
But I could never, never, never really wear that out in public and feel comfortable. Seriously, I've got chub in places that would EAT that fabric (especially if it were really tight). And honestly, if I could have the top be a small and the bottoms be an xs (or top be a medium and bottoms be small) it would be a different story. Reality is, you get what you get as a pair (because of the awesome price) and there is no way my sideboob would stay in there, LOL.
I also got this dress!!!
I LOVE it. LOVE LOVE LOVE it. I wish there was a matching patterned one for Izzy. I'm going to do my best to find one that looks like that for Izzy and try to find a matching plaid pattern for Kes (as a shirt). I think it'd be cute in holiday family pictures.
I also got 3 of these touques for the kids and I:
Hahahahaha! They're so cute. SO CUTE.
What I like about sammydress is that regardless if it takes a long time to arrive here, they always have super cute fashion at chinese prices, lol. Seriously. I know - that's awful. I should be buying locally, but I hate spending $50 on a nice Joe sweater at Superstore, when I could spend $50 on my entire order at sammydress.
Like those dresses above were all under $10 each (with the sale). Granted the quality is not as amazing, but maybe I'm weird. I'd rather have a really freakin' high quality video card and cheap out on clothes. It's like, electronics (most of the main parts at least) & certain things, I go for quality. Like, my sheets are 800-2000 thread count. The only reason why I'm using fleece right now is because it's colder and I have christmas print. <3 That's because we sleep on that shit everyday and why not be comfortable for $20 bucks more. Seriously. Bang for your buck.
I refuse to pay for stuff I can make or services I could do myself. Like breaks on our cars. All you need is a c-clamp and new break pads/rotors and about an hour of your time (if you're not pro). For the xb, our breakpads and rotors are about $25-$30 each (on NICE ones). This is a $400 job for freaking $40-$50 bucks. Seriously. I cannot justify paying someone $400 unless it's something that I seriously can't handle. It literally is one of my pet peeves.
Also, house stuff. I'm not going to service my own furnace, because I'd like a certified technician to actually give us the sticker on the furnace lid. I get that - but installing a sink? Or a new toilet? JESUS. It's $100 bucks an hour for someone to unclog our toilet. I'd rather spend the $20bucks and a half hour of time and elbowgrease to get whatevers stuck in there, unstuck. People underestimate the costs of hiring specialized help and instead using the power of youtube.
- - -
On another note, Izzy will be evaluated in the new year for Autism spectrum. They're not quite sure what is going on with her social anxiety, but there are some red flags for sure. Lourinne and Nikki (Kes and Izzy's occupational therapists) both reassure me that it doesn't have to do with the lack of socialization but moreso with previous socialization and probably embarrassment factors of being 'different'. We've got a good gameplan on what to do next. I'm excited. :)
The Brown family will be planted in the Okanagan for the next 6 years. Their behavioral intervention plan starts in January and may repeat after 6 years, but the initial idea is that it's k-5. I'm going with that and making the best out of our complicated situation. As a mom, It's my role to make things less complicated. I think I'm doing a good job nowadays - but I really slipped when I didn't have enough emotional support over the summer.
What I've learned is that I need to constantly be in tune with my body. What my needs are and It's okay to be selfish from time to time. Because being completely isolated and a martyr only leads to resentment and frustration. I can't save everyone all the time. I can't fix everything. I can't please everyone.
My plan is simple. Continue to parent as I've been and follow my instincts. There are so many external inputs, some are completely welcomed and some are hesitantly appreciated. Either way, It's our job to reflect and sift through what advice we actually put into play. All of it is appreciated, but not all will be utilized. It just needs to work with our situation and unfortunately it's such a rare situation that not all normal advice would even come close in helping.
I actually love it. It's a challenge that I'm enjoying (as weird as that sounds). I love puzzle games and this one is on challenge mode.
I hope one day when my children are older, they can look back and be proud of Christopher and I (or appreciate it) for working hard for their sakes. There are easier decisions to make everyday. There are decisions that probably would make us happier or have less stress. The best things in life take the most amount of effort - and my children and family get all of my effort. It's not at my expense - it's just what I've committed to and hope to excel at.
Chris and I had a little pregnancy scare this month. I'm on the pill, so the likelyhood was slim but still - it was a scare. Anyway, we had the talk about what would happen if I did get pregnant. He was supportive either way. For him, he'd be completely ecstatic (worried about our future but happy). He even said, "In BC they require the father to sign off on abortions." What do I think? I'm not ready for another child right now. I want to excel at helping the two that I have. I would completely be open to having another one in the future (perhaps a few years from now when the kids are in school). I know there isn't a perfect time ever to get pregnant. I just don't want the physical burden of pregnancy to impede my ability to parent or to be an active wife (and it completely would considering my side effects from prior pregnancies). The consensus was that we'll reconvene when he turns 30. As of now, my uterus is closed for business. :)
We would eventually love to have 4 children. It took me a while to get to the idea of 4. I got to 3, but then one of the children would always be left out and that's not fair.
Baby steps in life.
We're just working on putting one foot in front of the other right now. Rebuilding our marriage and relationship. Chris is putting in a lot of effort which I'm very happy about. It's hard work and nothing worthwhile is ever easy. The bottom line is that this is what I've signed up for and I'm not a quitter. Not any one of my friends and family would expect any less. :)
How am I feeling?
I'm hesitantly happy.
I've been finding out things lately that put me in the pits. My husband had a period of overreaction time that I'm learning to accept and do my best to be understanding about. He has a habit of freaking out and telling the world our problems (exaggerated) when he's upset. This time around, he told many family members exaggerated stories of what actually happened. I was pretty pissed (and still am a bit tentative) because he had reassured me that he had only told Matt (his first cousin). I found out recently that he told many people exaggerated versions of the story. Many of which were his family members.
Why does that matter? Why should I care about what anyone's idea of who I really am is? Because I'm a good person. Because exaggerated truths are toxic and equally as unsupportive and faithless. Because despite it all, I didn't even vent about ALL my frustration to anyone. How I vent to people, is I look for advice. I'll explain parts of the situation, just enough for people to advise me to improve the situation, etc. I don't badmouth my husband despite how much he probably deserves it from time to time. He accuses me of telling my parents about his and his mother's BPD, lol. Way to blow up and exaggerate something taken out of context. First of all, I would never expose his mother's stuff. Secondly, I told my parents a long time ago (when Izzy was first being evaluated of ADHD) that Christopher had BPD (because they were asking if Christopher had anything like that). They also asked if this ran in his family and I said yes. They didn't know what BPD was nor do they even really care. They cared about how it affected Isabelle at the time. I explained that it was social anxiety but the rough serious cases could be similar to more mania like BiPolar disorder. I didn't say that Chris had this nor his mother.
This is the part that hurts the most. Where he badmouthed me to his family. I mean seriously, I asked my parents and friends for advice, but I also defended him when they were questioning him. Never, did I ever choose to target him as a lightning rod of hate.
It's something that I won't understand and I can't try to understand because he's not me. He's his own person. I know it wasn't intended to hurt me in the long run - but the fact he truly didn't even think of the repercussions ahead of time shows the amount of love and care he had (and also the selfishness and how it reflected on the 6 years of marriage). "I'm _________ so i'm going to react. I don't care what happens." What's even worse is that he used his mother as a sounding board that lets just say, "supported his frustration". I'm not going to hold grudges or anything like that. I'm not that kind of person and I get it. Lets just say, if that had happened to my own children, I'd objectively look at the entire picture and do my best to support the success of their marriage. I'm not putting a hate on anyone or anything. My husband just talked a lot of shit about me to his family and they reciprocated to support him. I've never been exposed to anything like that before because my family isn't that way. I know his family had been that way in prior divorces, etc. but I had been hoping that things would've improved from them learning from those bad situations. I was wrong, then entirely hurt from it.
It's a trust thing that we all have to build. Making a concerted effort to be understanding and compassionate lessens the hurt. I'll get over it, I will.
I love his family regardless of what they think of me. I love them because they raised my husband. Despite how bad he can be, he can also be awesome (when the effort is there). That, I can appreciate.
I'm just excited for the new year. I'm excited for good things to come for my kids and new traditions to build. I'm excited to experience the autism spectrum process and SEE changes. SEE milestones met, etc. I'm hopeful and happy for our ongoing effort in our marriage. It's not easy. It's not like I look at him and I'm like BOOM things are all lovey dovey and there's cheese everywhere. I look at him and see someone trying and I love him for all his efforts for our family and for our relationship. I appreciate the man he has become and only hope that he continues to grow forward for his own sake.
All I can do is count my stars and continue to keep my chin up. <3
I am. :)
I had a conversation with Justin last night about self worth. We both have really low self worth right now. I chose to tell Chris that I was struggling with self worth after finding about all the stuff he said about me. I chose to be vulnerable and have him help me through it. It's a concerted effort to have him emotionally support me. :)
Baby steps. :)
It was awesome though. He just held me, didn't say much - just rubbed my back and reassured me. It doesn't take much. It just needs to be genuine - and I can tell, lol so it's even moreso important.
Anyway, i'm going to get back to real life. :)
xo
eM
