Shopping woes

I made a good sized order from sammydress the start of the month for our family. They had a holiday sale and I was hoping that it would arrive for xmas so we could take family photos! :( Doesn't look like it. I got a super cute dress that I was looking forward to wearing for xmas! :(

Not to mention, a few other things that are just freaking awesome!! Like this shirt:

Can we say, rinoa???! I know, right? I love it. I think I'm too conservative to wear it alone, but I'd probably wear it overtop a bathingsuit in the summer. A BATHINGSUIT which i also did purchase:

I know, kinda old fashioned, but I saw it and love it. Dont get me wrong, there were SO many bathingsuits on sammydress that were cheap and adorable, but models make bathingsuits look so way better than what they'll look like on me LMAO. I've just gotta be real with my bodytype. Not knocking anything, but lets be real - a super lowrise bikini that rests under my caesarean scar is not going to look hot. 

Like, i really fell for this bikini:

But I could never, never, never really wear that out in public and feel comfortable. Seriously, I've got chub in places that would EAT that fabric (especially if it were really tight). And honestly, if I could have the top be a small and the bottoms be an xs (or top be a medium and bottoms be small) it would be a different story. Reality is, you get what you get as a pair (because of the awesome price) and there is no way my sideboob would stay in there, LOL. 

I also got this dress!!! 

I LOVE it. LOVE LOVE LOVE it. I wish there was a matching patterned one for Izzy. I'm going to do my best to find one that looks like that for Izzy and try to find a matching plaid pattern for Kes (as a shirt). I think it'd be cute in holiday family pictures.

I also got 3 of these touques for the kids and I:

Hahahahaha! They're so cute. SO CUTE.

What I like about sammydress is that regardless if it takes a long time to arrive here, they always have super cute fashion at chinese prices, lol. Seriously. I know - that's awful. I should be buying locally, but I hate spending $50 on a nice Joe sweater at Superstore, when I could spend $50 on my entire order at sammydress. 

Like those dresses above were all under $10 each (with the sale). Granted the quality is not as amazing, but maybe I'm weird. I'd rather have a really freakin' high quality video card and cheap out on clothes. It's like, electronics (most of the main parts at least) & certain things, I go for quality. Like, my sheets are 800-2000 thread count. The only reason why I'm using fleece right now is because it's colder and I have christmas print. <3 That's because we sleep on that shit everyday and why not be comfortable for $20 bucks more. Seriously. Bang for your buck.

I refuse to pay for stuff I can make or services I could do myself. Like breaks on our cars. All you need is a c-clamp and new break pads/rotors and about an hour of your time (if you're not pro). For the xb, our breakpads and rotors are about $25-$30 each (on NICE ones). This is a $400 job for freaking $40-$50 bucks. Seriously. I cannot justify paying someone $400 unless it's something that I seriously can't handle. It literally is one of my pet peeves. 

Also, house stuff. I'm not going to service my own furnace, because I'd like a certified technician to actually give us the sticker on the furnace lid. I get that - but installing a sink? Or a new toilet? JESUS. It's $100 bucks an hour for someone to unclog our toilet. I'd rather spend the $20bucks and a half hour of time and elbowgrease to get whatevers stuck in there, unstuck. People underestimate the costs of hiring specialized help and instead using the power of youtube.

- - -

On another note, Izzy will be evaluated in the new year for Autism spectrum. They're not quite sure what is going on with her social anxiety, but there are some red flags for sure. Lourinne and Nikki (Kes and Izzy's occupational therapists) both reassure me that it doesn't have to do with the lack of socialization but moreso with previous socialization and probably embarrassment factors of being 'different'. We've got a good gameplan on what to do next. I'm excited. :)

The Brown family will be planted in the Okanagan for the next 6 years. Their behavioral intervention plan starts in January and may repeat after 6 years, but the initial idea is that it's k-5. I'm going with that and making the best out of our complicated situation. As a mom, It's my role to make things less complicated. I think I'm doing a good job nowadays - but I really slipped when I didn't have enough emotional support over the summer.

What I've learned is that I need to constantly be in tune with my body. What my needs are and It's okay to be selfish from time to time. Because being completely isolated and a martyr only leads to resentment and frustration. I can't save everyone all the time. I can't fix everything. I can't please everyone. 

My plan is simple. Continue to parent as I've been and follow my instincts. There are so many external inputs, some are completely welcomed and some are hesitantly appreciated. Either way, It's our job to reflect and sift through what advice we actually put into play. All of it is appreciated, but not all will be utilized. It just needs to work with our situation and unfortunately it's such a rare situation that not all normal advice would even come close in helping. 

I actually love it. It's a challenge that I'm enjoying (as weird as that sounds). I love puzzle games and this one is on challenge mode. 

I hope one day when my children are older, they can look back and be proud of Christopher and I (or appreciate it) for working hard for their sakes. There are easier decisions to make everyday. There are decisions that probably would make us happier or have less stress. The best things in life take the most amount of effort - and my children and family get all of my effort. It's not at my expense - it's just what I've committed to and hope to excel at. 

Chris and I had a little pregnancy scare this month. I'm on the pill, so the likelyhood was slim but still - it was a scare. Anyway, we had the talk about what would happen if I did get pregnant. He was supportive either way. For him, he'd be completely ecstatic (worried about our future but happy). He even said, "In BC they require the father to sign off on abortions." What do I think? I'm not ready for another child right now. I want to excel at helping the two that I have. I would completely be open to having another one in the future (perhaps a few years from now when the kids are in school). I know there isn't a perfect time ever to get pregnant. I just don't want the physical burden of pregnancy to impede my ability to parent or to be an active wife (and it completely would considering my side effects from prior pregnancies). The consensus was that we'll reconvene when he turns 30. As of now, my uterus is closed for business. :)

We would eventually love to have 4 children. It took me a while to get to the idea of 4. I got to 3, but then one of the children would always be left out and that's not fair. 

Baby steps in life. 

We're just working on putting one foot in front of the other right now. Rebuilding our marriage and relationship. Chris is putting in a lot of effort which I'm very happy about. It's hard work and nothing worthwhile is ever easy. The bottom line is that this is what I've signed up for and I'm not a quitter. Not any one of my friends and family would expect any less. :)

How am I feeling? 

I'm hesitantly happy. 

I've been finding out things lately that put me in the pits. My husband had a period of overreaction time that I'm learning to accept and do my best to be understanding about. He has a habit of freaking out and telling the world our problems (exaggerated) when he's upset. This time around, he told many family members exaggerated stories of what actually happened. I was pretty pissed (and still am a bit tentative) because he had reassured me that he had only told Matt (his first cousin). I found out recently that he told many people exaggerated versions of the story. Many of which were his family members. 

Why does that matter? Why should I care about what anyone's idea of who I really am is? Because I'm a good person. Because exaggerated truths are toxic and equally as unsupportive and faithless. Because despite it all, I didn't even vent about ALL my frustration to anyone. How I vent to people, is I look for advice. I'll explain parts of the situation, just enough for people to advise me to improve the situation, etc. I don't badmouth my husband despite how much he probably deserves it from time to time. He accuses me of telling my parents about his and his mother's BPD, lol. Way to blow up and exaggerate something taken out of context. First of all, I would never expose his mother's stuff. Secondly, I told my parents a long time ago (when Izzy was first being evaluated of ADHD) that Christopher had BPD (because they were asking if Christopher had anything like that). They also asked if this ran in his family and I said yes. They didn't know what BPD was nor do they even really care. They cared about how it affected Isabelle at the time. I explained that it was social anxiety but the rough serious cases could be similar to more mania like BiPolar disorder. I didn't say that Chris had this nor his mother. 

This is the part that hurts the most. Where he badmouthed me to his family. I mean seriously, I asked my parents and friends for advice, but I also defended him when they were questioning him. Never, did I ever choose to target him as a lightning rod of hate. 

It's something that I won't understand and I can't try to understand because he's not me. He's his own person. I know it wasn't intended to hurt me in the long run - but the fact he truly didn't even think of the repercussions ahead of time shows the amount of love and care he had (and also the selfishness and how it reflected on the 6 years of marriage). "I'm _________ so i'm going to react. I don't care what happens." What's even worse is that he used his mother as a sounding board that lets just say, "supported his frustration". I'm not going to hold grudges or anything like that. I'm not that kind of person and I get it. Lets just say, if that had happened to my own children, I'd objectively look at the entire picture and do my best to support the success of their marriage. I'm not putting a hate on anyone or anything. My husband just talked a lot of shit about me to his family and they reciprocated to support him. I've never been exposed to anything like that before because my family isn't that way. I know his family had been that way in prior divorces, etc. but I had been hoping that things would've improved from them learning from those bad situations. I was wrong, then entirely hurt from it. 

It's a trust thing that we all have to build. Making a concerted effort to be understanding and compassionate lessens the hurt. I'll get over it, I will. 

I love his family regardless of what they think of me. I love them because they raised my husband. Despite how bad he can be, he can also be awesome (when the effort is there). That, I can appreciate. 

I'm just excited for the new year. I'm excited for good things to come for my kids and new traditions to build. I'm excited to experience the autism spectrum process and SEE changes. SEE milestones met, etc. I'm hopeful and happy for our ongoing effort in our marriage. It's not easy. It's not like I look at him and I'm like BOOM things are all lovey dovey and there's cheese everywhere. I look at him and see someone trying and I love him for all his efforts for our family and for our relationship. I appreciate the man he has become and only hope that he continues to grow forward for his own sake. 

All I can do is count my stars and continue to keep my chin up. <3

I am. :)

I had a conversation with Justin last night about self worth. We both have really low self worth right now. I chose to tell Chris that I was struggling with self worth after finding about all the stuff he said about me. I chose to be vulnerable and have him help me through it. It's a concerted effort to have him emotionally support me. :) 

Baby steps. :)

It was awesome though. He just held me, didn't say much - just rubbed my back and reassured me. It doesn't take much. It just needs to be genuine - and I can tell, lol so it's even moreso important.

Anyway, i'm going to get back to real life. :)

xo

eM

Last but not least...

Someone has mommy's lips. One day, I'm sure he'll be an awesome kisser!! Hahahaha <3

xo

eM

Catchup ketchup teehee

.So many pictures, so little time.

There seriously aren't enough hours in the day.

It's hard being a rockstar mom, it truly is. It's not hard because it sucks or anything, it's hard because to be awesome requires no breaks!! Hahahaha. I literally didn't even have time to take a shit in peace hahahaha.

I had to take a shit seriously in between the front door drying and washing paintbrushes while izzy guarded the door and Kesler played on the iPad (in the bathroom mind you) while I pooped. There is no such thing as privacy!

Either way private or not, the kids were happy, having fun, and loved. Reminds me what my purpose is here. My purpose is their mother, first and foremost, then the wife of their daddy. I'm doing everything and anything I can to make their lives full of light and love. Like seriously, you think you've seen sunshine? You haven't seen sunshine till you've seen the shine I give my children.

They literally get God's grace and his love channeled through me. No seriously, as spiritual and hokey as that may sound, there is nothing that compares to the light and love in my soul for my children.

Don't ruin it for me, seriously. Don't ruin it for them. They deserve all my sunshine and rainbows. <3

Kesler was playing with santas balls lmao!!! ;) 

On another note, I'm having a super ugly week. No seriously, I'm not really wearing makeup and I've been busy with the kids and stuff so my hair is greasy and I look like butts. There is such a dramatic difference that it literally makes me qq!

Ready for bed with my acne cream all over my chin and my greasy hair. At least I'm not hairy and I smell nice, Jesus. 

That's what happens when I put a little bit of makeup on and do my hair. It's pretty dramatically different. I'm getting to the age where makeup isn't as much a choice, it's a necessity, lmao!

I dunno, I've also gained 6lbs. I know it's equivalent to someone taking a shit and taking their jeans off, but 6lbs is a lot if you're tiny like me. I seriously feel whale like. Moo.

I can't help it if I know what I like and I love them carbs, Jesus criminy!!! I could seriously be satisfied with pizza Pringles, hot Cheetos, nachos (oh dear lord I love nacho cheese but it doooon't love me), pizza, spags (or most freakin pastas), breads, rice, noodles, ice cream and the carb list continues. Can't stop when things are so yummy. I'm just glad I don't love peanut butter cause mama makes a mean homemade Reese's peanut butter cup. 

I'm in such a weird mood today. Actually no I'm apprehensive and tentative because Chris is being weird. What's new? Lol well I've been struggling with acceptance lately. The eggshells have been more glass-like than usual. He's trying, but let's be real. I'm waiting for him to reach his 40% quota before it all ends and shit hits the fan.

Call me callous, but how can I be any other way. I am no saint.

We'll see. I hope he keeps it together. My gut says he won't lol, but my hopes are otherwise. Let's see if he is as predictable as he's been for the past 6 years.

God Kesler is still awake. What a jerk. He slept a bit later today because I had to finish up the door so he's struggling to go to bed. Kill me now lol. This is where I'd look to my husband to comfort me and tell me that I look amazing despite my insecurities and that I'm a fucking rockstar. This is where I normally end up comforting him for being pissed off at me for being upset to begin with. Yes me comforting him for me being upset. That's the life of a person married to someone with bpd. Yay me! He has been better lately though, so I'm hoping he hasn't reached the 40% mark otherwise I'm fucked. 

Tbh I think he reached it today. Lol it didn't take long at all. He literally switches personalities and absorbs someone else's. He starts sounding like them, etc. so weird. 

Ah now I get to comfort my child because he needs extra mamalove!

Gg

xo

eM

BOYZ ll MEN tribute

Oh my lawd. This man is talented. This man is talented and I love boys 2 men. Man I'm old!

Chris was laughing at me because I literally could sing along to each song. LMAO <3 SEE I AM A GIRL DEEP DOWN.



xo

eM

the real behind the ugly

Okay that first post totally didn't make any sense without context. Well, I guess it sort of did - but where did that come from? Hahaha

Justin and I were playing D3 last night. He mostly played his Demon Hunter and I played mine - although I did tank a bit on my Witch Doctor.

Every once in a while, I get random feelings of inadequacy. It probably has to do with my marriage - in a sense where we've got stuff we're working on. It all comes down to this cycle we have. There are pursuers and withdrawers. Chris is a pursuer and I'm a withdrawer. What, right? Normally you'd think it was the other way around - but it's not. Withdrawers can be aggressive also.

Anyway these behaviors cause a cycle. They both trigger fight, flight, or freeze responses. He pursues and I withdraw that causes him to pursue even more. Pursuing comes as restrictions, allegations, paranoia, emotional abuse or manipulation, etc. It's more of a controlling issue. Withdrawers - withdraw, detach, distract, move on, or retaliate (sometimes angrily) to prove a point (mostly to end conflict). Withdrawers hate to have unnecessary conflict, so they'd confront - to get the point out there and quickly get out of dodge.

The problem that we have is that Chris' pursuer thing starts it all. I know, how can I peg it on his issue because it's a cycle and mine continues the cycle also. I'm not pegging anything - I'm stating that his part of the cycle is the start. He has emotional regulation issues on the inside that he struggles controlling.

I figured it out a few days ago (i know wtf). It is BPD related, but what I figured out is something that he's never heard before. It was stupid accurate and helped us in what to do next.

Chris has an issue with commitment (as in effort in literally anything from putting his shoes on, to brushing his teeth, to finding his keys, communication, work, everything). He gets to a percentage of effort placed (lets just say it's around 40%) and he digs the heels in and finds reasons not to continue - or just doesn't continue. The reason why I was figuring out what this means - or the basis behind this was because it's the PRIMARY reason why we have such issues to begin with. At first I thought it WAS a BPD thing in a matter of mindfulness and presence, but after thinking about it more and rationalizing WHAT the actual behaviors are and how long they last, all his behaviors span from the lack of effort.

This lack of effort - reflects as laziness or a whack of other emotions. The reality is, this lack of effort is a stress thresh-hold or 'checkpoint' for lack of a better term. It all comes down to a matter of self esteem, lack of confidence,  or insecurity that drives his decision making.

Let me explain. When he gets to that checkpoint or stress threshhold of 40%, he reaches a pre-climax of stress. For whatever reason, that specific stressor is comforting. JUST that. When it gets over that percentage of stressor, then it becomes destructive - self sabotage, etc. When it's at that stressor of 40%, he is able to get the job 'passably' done with marginal side effects. The hypersensitivity triggers fight or flight behaviors once he gets past that much effort put in - and because of the fact that he has a hard time emotionally regulating, it leads to aggression or self sabotage, even if the initial stressors were 'good stressors' (as in, he's succeeding in life).

So here comes the confusing part. Why does this happen? And how does it relate to self esteem and confidence?

His self esteem and confidence are so low that his importance and self worth are only determined by how dire the need is for him to put effort in. This struggle of procrastination and dire need (life or death) to complete a task (i.e. having a fire lit under your ass, like having your job on the line or marriage on the line), indirectly and unintentionally gives him atta boys and self esteem. What the heck, right? Okay let me try to explain this better. In having that dire need to complete something last minute, that struggle makes "his importance" dire and that negative feeling allows him is comforting (makes him feel good about himself). It unfortunately makes him feel important. I say unfortunate because he isn't normally able to see his importance in day to day life - without this fire lit under his ass.

So that's why his cycle continues. It's a self sabotage cycle - because he craves that needing to feel important feeling - thus the effort stays at 40% and doesn't increase until it direly HAS to. And in normal life, that is a rarity because nothing is truly LIFE or DEATH.

The hard part is that I'm NOT life or death. Nor is it easy for me to understand the process in which his mind works unless I'm sitting here literally trying to figure it out. While this is all going on for him - I struggle to find compassion and understanding in the decisions he makes. When I said this line of effort applies to everything and anything he does in life - I meant it. It literally is 'his way of life' in every aspect of his life - from talking, to eye contact, to putting his shoes on, to clumsiness, etc. It's just a lack of awareness and effort he consciously has. At first, I thought he didn't have a conscious choice - that he was just a clumsy guy or lacked presence.

That is true - but it's a choice. He gets to this threshhold of effort and 'cruise control' automatically turns on and the autopilot is not as coordinated as he would be. He could put more effort in - but as much as a disorganized sewing kit drives me nuts (ocd wise), it drives him nuts and elevates anxiety by the thought of putting more effort in. It's not fear based. Fear is used to cover up what it really is because the truth of the matter is that, the truth is more embarrassing than fear. The truth is that it's a self esteem/confidence builder. It's to feel important. Owning up to the matter of needing to feel more important is much harder than owning up to being fearful.

The hard part of this whole problem is that the quick fix for people like this is hearing good news or compliments from others. Like, needing peoples reassurance - usually bandaids the situation. Cheerleading - pep-talking, etc. That usually bandaids the situation.

I asked Chris what DBT told him to do about this situation - and he came out truthfully and told me that they never covered this. That it was spot on and amazing. I almost want to talk to someone about this to share this information because I truthfully think it would help many people struggling to find the point of the issue.

My thoughts on what to do...my solutions...

1) First step is to figure out where the threshhold is. I think a good plan would be to literally write out a situation and to find where this threshold lies. I'm sure the mark is different for everyone - but it usually seems to lay somewhere prior to climax - where the stress level is manageable yet starts incorporating dire need for completion.

2) Break it down. Take apart the task (however big or small it is) into smaller steps to make it easier to do piece by piece.

Prior to even allowing your body to regress to what's 'easy' or 'automatic', think about what the next steps in process would be to complete what you need to do and follow through on the task - despite how much slower it is. Sometimes (at least i've noticed with Chris) he shortcuts a lot of stuff. Shortcuts don't make your job any easier. If anything, they make your job sloppier and most likely will either get you in trouble, make you have to redo things, or make you fail altogether. Actively force yourself to DO the next step - regardless of how irrelevant it may seem.

In by doing that next step, it provides the atta boy/girl of completing that next little step. That's the first big step in the right direction. This time, it didn't get skipped.

3) Do the next step and the next step after that. One solitary, calculated, and crucial step at a time.

4) By the end - you should be focusing (or in their case, 'stressing over') on much on steps completed that the initial rush for finishing (or skipping to get it out of the way) should've been much more irrelevant.

I think by having this positive cycle of completion allows people to focus on the necessary order of priorities that need to be completed - instead of allowing the underlying insecurity to allow emotions to drive behaviors.

Don't get me wrong - DBT is definitely helpful - and I'm no expert in any of this. I'm just a nerd that knows how to problem solve. At least in my husband's case - I truly believe that his problems could be solved if he put 100% effort in everything he does. The problem is getting past that threshold. If he could focus on the steps independently instead of the entire task at hand (break down the activity in to bits) then the likelihood for success and a less concentration of this dire need to 'put shit on the backburner' comes into play if things are in pieces and easier to achieve.

I'm a nerd.

Sometimes when I have moments like this, it gives me atta girls - but not in a cocky and arrogant way, but moreso in a way that HOLY crap, thank god I figured that much out because it may actually help me with my family.

xo
eM

Ugly

Every once in a while, even confident ladies have ugly days. Don't be hating or criticizing. I know I'm not ugly lol! I have cute days also. Today just happened to be more on the ugly side. 

I've just been drinking more pop and eating crap so I'm breaking out. I haven't had great sleep so my dark circles are craycray. I look at pictures of Gina darling and other pretty people and am like omguuuuuhhhhhhh??!!! Not even on the same planet!! Hahahaha no it's not always like this! There are days where I look at Gina darling and am like seriously, I could totally pull that off. 

Today is just not one of those days. Even my dh felt like a fatass! 

Makeup-less and gross. My skin I breaking out like a teenager! Yuck!! Sometimes I guess I can see why I get mistaken for younger. ;)

I played d3 with Justin tonight and had fun goldfinding and tanking. My dh feels so capped atm though. Capped and butts!

I didn't even complain to him about my ugly day lmao! Somehow, It felt as though he already kinda knew??? In some fucked up twisted way because he was doing goldfind with me to help me feel better lol! 

Anyway I'm going to bed!! It's wayyy too late!

xo

eM

Eyelid crease

I'm confident because I'm an Asian girl with natural eyelid creases, hahahahaha. I know that sounds stupid but it's nice knowing that I have a line that people surgically try to recreate. 

It's not a massive crease, but it's enough to let me wear eyeliner and eyeshadow. ;)

All the small things! 

xo

eM