I've been through a lot through the past few months. To be honest, I don't even know where to start.
This is probably a good song to summarize the events...
I know. In the End, by Linkin Park. Seriously? I mean out of all the cliche songs, why this one?
I've been in a tumultuous relationship for 6 year now. My significant other had been emotionally unavailable (among other things) due to issues that he's going through.
I know, lots of screwed up sadness crap that I really didn't mean to rehash, sorry. I made a post today on facebook:
"If I've learned anything from the mere 30 years of being alive...it's that life isn't ideal. Life can feel rough, critical, unbelievably unfair, neglectful, fruitless and slow. The reality is that satisfaction in life just takes a hell of a lot of effort & patience. Time heals heavy wounds (if you let them) and it goes by a lot faster once it's allowed to run its course. There have been a lot of negative posts lately (even I'm noticing them) on fb and as much as it's a train wreck that we all can't stop but look at, there is a flip side to all of it. Not saying that murderers, rapists, or abusers may deserve that compassion, but most people don't grow up aspiring to become this way. We could all benefit from more compassion, love, and understanding. Sorry /endrant lol!"
I guess this post is to vent, sorta. I need an unbiased place to vent and unfortunately, humans are fatally flawed and completely biased. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends and family dearly and appreciate their input, but people, you have no fucking idea what I'm going through - seriously.
I'm not going to put down my husband. Despite his best efforts in doing retarded shit in the past, I won't heal by begrudgingly living life. It's not like I haven't had my fair share of retaliation.
This is not an ideal situation. How facebook perfect it looks on the outside. We are NEVER in a fucking facebook perfection type of world.
I post snippets of my life to share the awesomeness that happens on occasion. It's not like that everyday, but it is (or can be) often. It's a choice to live happier and to deal with the bullshit that comes our way better. It's a choice.
- - -
My husband has been coping with Anxiety forever. I KNEW this going into the relationship. It's not his fault that I ran out of patience, compassion, and kindness. He may have contributed to all of it - but it's not his fault. I made a choice. In hindsight - there may have been better options for me but this is who I am. Maybe my OCD and rescuer complex are too OP (overpowered, it's a video game term) for my own good.
I'm not making excuses for him or myself. I'm explaining why my life is a cluster-fuck of stress; Why I have ulcers at all.
I got to this place by attempting to be myself again. I had covered up and hid who I was to cater to everyone else around me. It's what I always do. I'm THAT person. I'm that person with the massive rescuer complex that pleases everyone else around me aside from myself. When I get too lonely or miserable though, I break - just like every other human being. I just have a hell of a lot more patience than the average Joe.
It basically ruined my relationship with him. I know, what? Being myself shouldn't ruin any relationship.
He had gotten comfortable just 'having' me. He had gotten to the place where he could basically treat me however he wanted because he KNEW, deep down, that because we have children and are settled (not to mention in a different fucking country), that he had the upper hand. As fiery of a person as I may come off on the outside, I can't say no (or have a very hard time saying it). It causes me to be subservient. Yeah I know, ME, subservient? WTF? Well, it's true.
I had gotten meek and many times, withdrawn from the world. His insecurities lead to my withdrawals. His introvertedness & anti-socialism, lead to my even more so 'walking on eggshells' whenever I'd want to do anything social.
I know, how could a social butterfly turn regress back into a worm?
Easy, by not saying no.
- - -
I finally found solace in returning to World of Warcraft (among other games). I guess I found solace in gaming. I still do.
In that though, I was able to cope by socializing with friends. THIS right here is the red flag. I'm not getting what I need at home, so I'm forced to look elsewhere for emotional support. I attempted to involve him more on what I needed at first, but he was never at a place where he could ever support me unconditionally. I don't honestly think he was ever at a place where he could even be present enough hear a short conversation.
In the past, I blamed it on myself. I thought, what am I doing wrong that is preventing him from loving or connecting with me? That lead to a deep trail of insecurities. For all of those who know me, I usually have the average amount of girl insecurities, but for the most part, I've never really struggled with self worth or being insecure. I've always been 'awesome' and loved myself in my mind. This deep trail that I was on had changed me. How could I possibly be awesome or love myself if this is what I do to him? There wasn't anything I could ever do for or to him that would cause him to react negatively, but as you're learning the mental health process - none of these facts mattered at the time (or clicked in my mind for that matter). In my naive mind, I was the cause of his problems because he was taking them out on me.
What the fuck. Right?
Don't get me wrong, I'm no angel. I can throw it right back at him with a vengeance. That wasn't a good cycle either. Him pursuing a fight and me retaliating in defense which would cause another fight (he was an avid pursuer) and another retaliation (I'm pretty god damned stubborn).
Anyway, this vicious cycle lead to the crumbling of our marriage. We already were really different - and finding things in common were a struggle for us. Not to mention, I'm fucking 2000 miles away from family and friends (emotional support).
Why couldn't I just be more supportive?
I was. I was really supportive and I'm fucking proud of how much I tried already. I am HUMAN. I get hurt like everyone else and I need emotional support & love like everyone else. This relationship is seriously lacking in both.
I ended up developing an emotional attachment to my best friend. He's always been there for me for 10 years and vice versa. A relationship had never came up in the past so nothing was ever on my radar until it landed on my lap.
I know, It sounds like an emotional affair. It probably technically was one. I don't fucking know or bother caring. I own up to my own shit and despite what negative implications that may lay for me in the future, I'm a great fucking person and I make mistakes too.
Long story short, I broke things off with my best friend. It was coming to a place where I knew that my life wasn't going to change much (me not leaving this area, nor this marriage - as I legally couldn't). I'm not going to string people along just for the sake of coping with day to day life. For once in my life, I didn't feel bad for committing an error. For once, I had conviction in a fault where because of where I've been in the past 6 years, this is where I ended up. I'm not justifying anything or giving myself an out. I'm saying, I'm human and I was broken. My wonderful friend had fixed me and I was allowing myself to be selfish enough to let him.
Breaking things off with my best friend was (and still is) one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my life. It's hard to let go when you truly share so many things (freakishly) in common with someone and they understand and appreciate you for just being you. I've said goodbye to best friends in the past but never a soul mate best friend. I'm truly sorry and one day I hope he forgives me.
Why did I choose this?
There are times in the day where I still ask myself this. It wasn't a matter of choice. It was a matter of where I'm at in life. My husband will NEVER part with his children and part of me expects him to fight for them. As much as the idea of freedom makes my heart soar, the idea that my also-broken husband fighting for his family gives me hope.
I don't know what the right thing to do is. I'm fucking 30 and there isn't any one of my friends that have ever gone through what I'm going through. There isn't anything to compare this to.
All I know is that I have to work with my limitations. I have to work with what I've got and make the best out of it for MY sake and the sake of my children.
Lots of stuff in my life has changed and some things haven't changed.
I say NO. I've developed smoking again. I play video games when I'm not needed to cope. We're going to counselling 1-2 times a week as well as personal therapy sessions. Cancer sticks, I know. WHY???? Because it's an immediate stress reliever and I'm not big enough of a person to join a fucking gym just yet.
I'd love to. I'd love to feel healthier and I'll get there. In the time being, I'm LEARNING how to cope. We're learning how to create a deeper bond. If things can't grow deeper, then we'll figure that out soon enough as well. Either way, I'm not a fucking quitter and I'm going to try. If my kids retain any negative stuff from me (which I know they already will/do) I'm teaching them to take that stubbornness and turn it into determination.
Things are getting better & less awkward. Working at something this intense is never easy and I don't expect it to be. He's trying and I'm trying. That's all I can hope for.
- - -
So here I conclude my rant for today. I needed to let it out. There's so much more in this that I'm not getting into - because to be brutally honest, it isn't going to change anything.
How hurt, how much abuse, how much effort, how much whatever.
The bottom line is - I won't let it get there again. I won't. I can't for my own sake and the sake of my family. What I can do is take each day as it comes, give it my all, and be grateful for the blessings that come despite how little they are.
xo
Michie
