For the past few days, it's been the first time in a while where I've been super motivated to do things again. I know it sounds crazy, but stress makes people lazy! Okay, maybe lazy isn't the word - but I've been battling being lethargic.
My kids are such a motivator. They DON'T stop so I can't really. I'm blessed to have that motivator when I can't provide my own motivation sometimes.
Chris and I had a fight last night - again. It didn't even need to happen.
M: I was sad
C: He asked what I needed
M: I told him to just 'be there' by literally laying next to me and hearing me.
C: He laid beside me and proceeded to lecture me, leading into unintentionally telling me what I should be doing.
M: I snapped. "Why the fuck are you telling me what to do, yet again? I'm looking for comfort."
C: He got upset that I was even upset to begin with and made it his problem (unintentionally).
M: This made me more upset. "Thank you for reminding me WHY this isn't working."
C: He used the separation card on me. "You need to go to California (without the kids) and figure out your priorities."
M: Seriously? You're going to threaten to send me away? Because I'm sad and don't agree with you?
I took a breather and commenced round 2 (long story short):
M: I explained why I was upset. "You asked me what I needed. I told you exactly what I needed. You didn't do what I needed and proceeded to unintentionally put me down."
C: Agreed
M: "This is why we need to come up with a plan B, because I know that you don't intentionally mean to do any of this - but it still effects the kids and I. If this doesn't improve, we need to provide a better situation for the kids. I need to hear that you'll be supportive of whatever it takes."
C: "I'm sorry. If this doesn't improve soon, then you can take the kids with you to California."
- - -
The point being, we're working on it. It sucks big time. I don't know what will happen a month from now nevertheless next year. All I can do is plan for short term goals and short term resolutions. My life is a cluster fuck of a mess right now and I'm doing my best to shield my children from as much of it as possible. It's never been so hard for me to sort out what the right course of action would be - ever.
Maybe that saying is right, "God only gives you what you can handle."
Why do I feel like I can't handle this?
I need to get my shit together, seriously.
- - -
I got to level 30 last night on my warrior. It's about the only thing I seem to have full control over in my life. I don't want to have control over everything - I don't even care. I just NEED consistency of some sort and that is the ONLY place at the moment where I can produce consistency. I can't go from being a child of routine type A personality, to just fly by the seat of my pants. It's not scary to go there - it's irritating. Maybe it's the OCD, I'm not sure. I hate not having plans. It feels so irresponsible and lazy. There is a level of adaptation and compromise that I can live with - but flying by the seat of my pants makes me lethargic.
God I need better coping tools. Smoking and video gaming are contributing to the lethargy.
- - -
I spent the morning comforting Chris because he was still affected by last night's discussion. Yes, I spent the morning comforting him over something that I was sad about last night. I'm not going to resentment - I'm not even going there. I'm just venting because this is where we are right now. I'm being the bigger person and TRYING to find the "atta girls" from it. I'm trying to find some positivity in anything that I do - because anything randomly can irritate him and cause him to be distant.
Yes, I'm doing my best to not trigger him to go "behind the wall" or "into the pit". It's all bad for everyone at that point.
- - -
I proposed that we go out to dinner tonight. There's this place called "Fatburger" in town. Hahaha, I know it sounds disgusting, but it's actually supposed to be really good. :) There's a groupon-coupon for it this week so I figured that we could try it out. It's too "thick" with drama at home and I can't breathe.
I know he needs love. I'm trying to give it to him. It's just hard when he pushes it away, is mean about it, or doesn't respond well when I need love.
I know right? WTF. You give him love and you get nothing in return. I know. It's the story of most of our relationship. His fault or not - I'm not weighing it against him. I just want him to improve.
- - -
I feel like this post was entirely bitching about him. That wasn't the intention. I needed a safe place to vent because I don't get that option as much anymore. My freedom is slowly increasing (he's giving me more allowances day to day). We're working with the therapists regularly and I am noticing change. He hasn't been as emotionally abusive (intentionally) and I'm trying not to retaliate. I'm not good at sharing "my feels" that well and he's gotta work on being open to anything that isn't "happy".
C: "So you want me to just shut up and hear everything you have to say and nod."
M: "I need you to ACCEPT, AFFIRM, and VALIDATE me. I don't need a lecture. I don't need coercion. I need someone to tell me that everything is going to be okay and that we're doing the best we can."
C (Very frustrated): "I was just trying to tell you that it's a CHOICE to TRUST. I just CHOSE one day to trust you."
M: "I didn't ask for you to give me any solutions. I know what options I have."
C: "So it goes back to, I'm not allowed to tell you anything."
M: "You can ask me! You can ask me instead of talking AT me. 'So, I was in a very similar situation, would you mind my input?' Then I can choose whether or not I can handle that in the moment. It's being respectful."
C: "So I have to ask permission to tell you things."
M: "It's not a matter of permission. It's inappropriateness. You shouldn't ever talk AT me. You should talk with me, hear what I'm saying, and provide comfort (or whatever I'm needing) for me - just like I do for you. Otherwise you come off as a condescending asshole!"
At this point, he understood and was apologetic.
- - -
It's hard not to want to hide and bury my head in the sand. It's hard to be more trusting. It's hard to be present. It's hard to be kind, gentle, and compassionate. It's hard to be loving.
I'm determined, though.
He doesn't have to have a plan, or plans, but I can. I can have my own plans. I can continue my Plan A, Plan B, Plan C-Z. I guess it took me a little while to figure that out.
- - -
Gotta do the admin scanning for his work.
xo
M
