So, I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome when I became pregnant with Isabelle.
I found out that I had this autoimmune thyroid disorder since I was 10 years old.
I never thought that it had any other complications aside from my inability to retain pregnancy, acne, and irregular periods.
Today my life changed.
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I went to visit our family doctor because I'm sick of feeling like crap. I've had more asthma than I've had in years. My ulcers are flared up. My body aches. I'm sick and have trouble digesting. I'm SO tired, despite how much sleep I get. I'm irritable and have had trouble coping with what's going on in my life. My hair falls out. I have trouble remembering things. My periods are all over the place. I've had 2 chemical pregnancies in the past year. I have random swollen joints that are super painful. My hypoglycemia is fucking off the charts (I'm down to 47kg (104lbs) and I EAT the same as I've eaten). My blood pressure is the lowest its been in a while. I can't seem to sleep well - ever. I've developed endometriosis. The amount of stress I have is ridiculous & I'm hypersensitive.
It all sounds like depression or something and that's why I decided to go visit her. I went to own up to the fact that I thought I was going through depression and needed help.
I was wrong.
My androgens are off the charts and I hardly have any progesterone. What that means is that I have too much man hormones and too little woman hormones.
What that means is that my body fucking sucks. It hates me, lol and is killing itself (literally, basically the definition of 'auto-immune disorder').
What's fucked up about this whole thing is that ONE specific birth control pill gets rid of 80% of my symptoms.
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Why it's life changing is because it's not going to change anything or any of the issues that my husband and I are working on. This isn't related to that much. It's more related to the fact that my entire adolescence through adulthood could have been helped. It explains why i'm the way I am. It explains why I'm into so many guy things, why I handle things more masculinely, and why I have a fucking rescuer complex because my hormones predominantly are androgens.
It's not like I didn't have enough estrogen - I still have boobs and womanly parts. I just don't think like a woman all the time. It explains why I have more guy friends than girl friends (pretty much ALL of them are guys) and it helps explain why I can identify with guys so well.
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Taking this specific pill won't change my personality (or it shouldn't) as it won't be removing the existing androgens in my body. It keeps me the way I am (or should), but it also provides me all the hormones I need to function without pain or any other side effect from PCOS.
Part of me hates myself right now. I have so much self loathing because I knew I had PCOS, yet I was so fucking stupid that I couldn't figure out that it possibly had any other negative effects on my body aside from in pre-pregnancy.
This caused my babies to be born early and with complications. I know that I can't live the rest of my life with the guilt from their prematurity, but I do and will for now. I chose to have them and my body did this to them. I had 7 miscarriages total. I lost 7 potential babies. Everything worked out for the better but my body did this to them with me knowing that I had PCOS. It's something that is going to take me a long time to work through.
I'm mad at myself because normally, I have a lot of confidence in myself. Normally, I consider myself to be decently bright. Clearly, I wasn't smart enough to figure out a major proponent of my own fucking life's struggles.
It's infuriating.
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Another fucking crazy life changing thing:
Since PCOS is an autoimmune-hormone syndrome, it's different for a lot of people. My family doctor is convinced that I reject foreign substances in my body. I have all these fucked up allergies like penicillin (or other drugs, benzodiazepines, narcotics, etc.), metals, plastics, etc. She's convinced that it's not an actual allergy inasmuch because of the severity of my hormonal imbalance, that my body literally rejects it from my system. If I were truly allergic to plastic, then the normal contact of everyday objects should eventually give me the same reaction. I'm not allergic to the computer and typing obviously nor wearing glasses - so clearly it's not an allergy. It's a rejection.
Also, because of this fucked up syndrome, sometimes I absolutely have no immune system (or hardly anything at all). This is how, despite how almost impossible it is to have influenza and pneumonia at the same time, I manage to get it. It's also how I recover retardedly fast. My body then produces crazy amounts of hormones - which puts my immune system into beast mode and kills everything it touches - including all the good bacteria in my stomach, leading to ulcers also.
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Like I said, I'm going through a little bit of a "fuck you hindsight" stage in life.
Seriously who the hell would have stopped and thought about that? In retrospect, Auntie Lori (Chris' aunt) who also has PCOS, has many of the same lifelong symptoms that I have. I never pieced the puzzle together (and I'm fucking awesome at puzzles, wtf?!?). She has asthma too (along with a myriad of other symptoms).
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The good part about this whole mess is that I'm taking the pill starting tomorrow morning; The appropriate pill. It's the highest dosage of progesterone you can healthily take. It goes against my religion technically, but considering I'm not using it for that inasmuch to keep myself from dying early, I think God will forgive me. Hey man, I'm preventing more fetal deaths.
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I'm hopeful. I feel broken right now, but it'll get better. I'm hopeful and happy to know what's wrong. It kind of feels like a death sentence right now, but I know it's not. I know that's probably my hormones fucking doing the thinking for me.
xo
M
