SUCH A NERD!! :D

My heart is BoP and he just rolled Need. 

<3 <3 <3 AWWW!!

hahahahahaha

PCOS

Now Playing: Evanescence - My Immortal

So, I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome when I became pregnant with Isabelle.

I found out that I had this autoimmune thyroid disorder since I was 10 years old.

I never thought that it had any other complications aside from my inability to retain pregnancy, acne, and irregular periods.



Today my life changed.

- - -

I went to visit our family doctor because I'm sick of feeling like crap. I've had more asthma than I've had in years. My ulcers are flared up. My body aches. I'm sick and have trouble digesting. I'm SO tired, despite how much sleep I get. I'm irritable and have had trouble coping with what's going on in my life. My hair falls out. I have trouble remembering things. My periods are all over the place. I've had 2 chemical pregnancies in the past year. I have random swollen joints that are super painful. My hypoglycemia is fucking off the charts (I'm down to 47kg (104lbs) and I EAT the same as I've eaten). My blood pressure is the lowest its been in a while. I can't seem to sleep well - ever. I've developed endometriosis. The amount of stress I have is ridiculous & I'm hypersensitive.

It all sounds like depression or something and that's why I decided to go visit her. I went to own up to the fact that I thought I was going through depression and needed help.

I was wrong.

My androgens are off the charts and I hardly have any progesterone. What that means is that I have too much man hormones and too little woman hormones.

What that means is that my body fucking sucks. It hates me, lol and is killing itself (literally, basically the definition of 'auto-immune disorder').

What's fucked up about this whole thing is that ONE specific birth control pill gets rid of 80% of my symptoms.

- - -

Why it's life changing is because it's not going to change anything or any of the issues that my husband and I are working on. This isn't related to that much. It's more related to the fact that my entire adolescence through adulthood could have been helped. It explains why i'm the way I am. It explains why I'm into so many guy things, why I handle things more masculinely, and why I have a fucking rescuer complex because my hormones predominantly are androgens.

It's not like I didn't have enough estrogen - I still have boobs and womanly parts. I just don't think like a woman all the time. It explains why I have more guy friends than girl friends (pretty much ALL of them are guys) and it helps explain why I can identify with guys so well.

- - -

Taking this specific pill won't change my personality (or it shouldn't) as it won't be removing the existing androgens in my body. It keeps me the way I am (or should), but it also provides me all the hormones I need to function without pain or any other side effect from PCOS.

Part of me hates myself right now. I have so much self loathing because I knew I had PCOS, yet I was so fucking stupid that I couldn't figure out that it possibly had any other negative effects on my body aside from in pre-pregnancy.

This caused my babies to be born early and with complications. I know that I can't live the rest of my life with the guilt from their prematurity, but I do and will for now. I chose to have them and my body did this to them. I had 7 miscarriages total. I lost 7 potential babies. Everything worked out for the better but my body did this to them with me knowing that I had PCOS. It's something that is going to take me a long time to work through.

I'm mad at myself because normally, I have a lot of confidence in myself. Normally, I consider myself to be decently bright. Clearly, I wasn't smart enough to figure out a major proponent of my own fucking life's struggles.

It's infuriating.

- - -

Another fucking crazy life changing thing:

Since PCOS is an autoimmune-hormone syndrome, it's different for a lot of people. My family doctor is convinced that I reject foreign substances in my body. I have all these fucked up allergies like penicillin (or other drugs, benzodiazepines, narcotics, etc.), metals, plastics, etc. She's convinced that it's not an actual allergy inasmuch because of the severity of my hormonal imbalance, that my body literally rejects it from my system. If I were truly allergic to plastic, then the normal contact of everyday objects should eventually give me the same reaction. I'm not allergic to the computer and typing obviously nor wearing glasses - so clearly it's not an allergy. It's a rejection.

Also, because of this fucked up syndrome, sometimes I absolutely have no immune system (or hardly anything at all). This is how, despite how almost impossible it is to have influenza and pneumonia at the same time, I manage to get it. It's also how I recover retardedly fast. My body then produces crazy amounts of hormones - which puts my immune system into beast mode and kills everything it touches - including all the good bacteria in my stomach, leading to ulcers also.

- - -

Like I said, I'm going through a little bit of a "fuck you hindsight" stage in life.

Seriously who the hell would have stopped and thought about that? In retrospect, Auntie Lori (Chris' aunt) who also has PCOS, has many of the same lifelong symptoms that I have. I never pieced the puzzle together (and I'm fucking awesome at puzzles, wtf?!?). She has asthma too (along with a myriad of other symptoms).

- - -

The good part about this whole mess is that I'm taking the pill starting tomorrow morning; The appropriate pill. It's the highest dosage of progesterone you can healthily take. It goes against my religion technically, but considering I'm not using it for that inasmuch to keep myself from dying early, I think God will forgive me. Hey man, I'm preventing more fetal deaths.

- - -

I'm hopeful. I feel broken right now, but it'll get better. I'm hopeful and happy to know what's wrong. It kind of feels like a death sentence right now, but I know it's not. I know that's probably my hormones fucking doing the thinking for me.

xo
M

Some fun stuff :D

My warrior is looking grown up nowadays...

 We did some dragonsoul raid yesterday with Becca & Andy. My mastery was crazy with her buff. :) It didn't seem to make much of a difference in dps, but it was cool to see.

Big crits. :)

Bigger crits! Haha I couldn't manage on getting the 3.5mil crit as a screenshot though. Hahaha :)

And massive aoe dps. This is why I need Blessing of Protection. :) It's kinda cool to see 800k every once in a while.

She walks in beauty

https://m.soundcloud.com/jackie5ive/shewalksinbeauty-lordbyron

Tom Hiddleston recites Lord Byron's poem, "She walks in beauty".

Ahhhhhhhh!!!

>___>

K I LIED. I'm 36.

I average a level per 16-20 minutes. I think this is a world record for me, lol.

Not to mention, she's a cheater in dps.

>___> NEED TO STOP PLAYING...

Oh Abeer, you silly schnerg.

TODAY, marks the day where I pvp'd and enjoyed it.

First, I was just going from place to place killing shit. 

Then, I was guarding blacksmith with a priest and a rogue. It was SO good. SO SO SO good.

Abeer tried to "blend in" with the locals. That didn't work so well...

I almost crit for 3 million. Yes, it was cheating, but made me happy in the pantaloons. Hahaha <3

So I changed around some gear, gems, and enchants and my dps is back to normal again. Phew. It had to do with my mastery being under 25%.

So yeah, it's getting better. :)

This girl is 1 bar from 33. I pvped today JUST so she could have her Truesilver Champion. It's too hot to pass up. 

Bad news Berenstein Bears

Down to 104lbs. This stress bullshit is a really effective diet. 

at least it makes my face less fat. 

On another note, I went to Fatburger for the first time. I think I would've liked it more if fucking Starbucks gave me what I fucking ordered instead of a normal Pumpkin Spice Latte. Let's just say I'm sick - not to mention fighting this cold thing. My stummy is NOT happy.

iPhone picture barrage :)

Pictures from my phone while I wait for Chris & Izzy at the recycling depot:

The other day, I was talking with my friend Scott on being addicted to YouTube. I have this closet addiction to Michele Phan and her makeup tutorials. I ended up trying her lip plumping tutorial and pretty much regretted it instantly. My lips are already pretty plump lol!

Okay... I didn't regret it, but It was definitely uncomfortable. They were massive!

On another note, I love this. I'm not sure if I'll ever have the guts to do this, but I love it. It's me. :)

Lovely.

My friend Maria posted this pic on Instagram that made me have warm fuzzies. 

I love it because it's true. :)

I could be Mikasa Ackerman! ;)

the littlest Schnerg & Mama

Izzy my bee <3

The queen sized bed in their room:

K enough photo dumping! :)

One of those days...

Maybe it's selfish, but sometimes I really don't want to 'tank' life. 

For the past few days, it's been the first time in a while where I've been super motivated to do things again. I know it sounds crazy, but stress makes people lazy! Okay, maybe lazy isn't the word - but I've been battling being lethargic. 

My kids are such a motivator. They DON'T stop so I can't really. I'm blessed to have that motivator when I can't provide my own motivation sometimes. 

Chris and I had a fight last night - again. It didn't even need to happen. 

M: I was sad

C:  He asked what I needed

M: I told him to just 'be there' by literally laying next to me and hearing me.

C:  He laid beside me and proceeded to lecture me, leading into unintentionally telling me what I should be doing.

M: I snapped. "Why the fuck are you telling me what to do, yet again? I'm looking for comfort."

C: He got upset that I was even upset to begin with and made it his problem (unintentionally).

M: This made me more upset. "Thank you for reminding me WHY this isn't working."

C: He used the separation card on me. "You need to go to California (without the kids) and figure out your priorities."

M: Seriously? You're going to threaten to send me away? Because I'm sad and don't agree with you? 

I took a breather and commenced round 2 (long story short): 

M: I explained why I was upset. "You asked me what I needed. I told you exactly what I needed. You didn't do what I needed and proceeded to unintentionally put me down."

C: Agreed

M: "This is why we need to come up with a plan B, because I know that you don't intentionally mean to do any of this - but it still effects the kids and I. If this doesn't improve, we need to provide a better situation for the kids. I need to hear that you'll be supportive of whatever it takes."

C: "I'm sorry. If this doesn't improve soon, then you can take the kids with you to California."

- - -

The point being, we're working on it. It sucks big time. I don't know what will happen a month from now nevertheless next year. All I can do is plan for short term goals and short term resolutions. My life is a cluster fuck of a mess right now and I'm doing my best to shield my children from as much of it as possible. It's never been so hard for me to sort out what the right course of action would be - ever. 

Maybe that saying is right, "God only gives you what you can handle."

Why do I feel like I can't handle this?

I need to get my shit together, seriously.

- - -

I got to level 30 last night on my warrior. It's about the only thing I seem to have full control over in my life. I don't want to have control over everything - I don't even care. I just NEED consistency of some sort and that is the ONLY place at the moment where I can produce consistency. I can't go from being a child of routine type A personality, to just fly by the seat of my pants. It's not scary to go there - it's irritating. Maybe it's the OCD, I'm not sure. I hate not having plans. It feels so irresponsible and lazy. There is a level of adaptation and compromise that I can live with - but flying by the seat of my pants makes me lethargic.

God I need better coping tools. Smoking and video gaming are contributing to the lethargy.

- - -

I spent the morning comforting Chris because he was still affected by last night's discussion. Yes, I spent the morning comforting him over something that I was sad about last night. I'm not going to resentment - I'm not even going there. I'm just venting because this is where we are right now. I'm being the bigger person and TRYING to find the "atta girls" from it. I'm trying to find some positivity in anything that I do - because anything randomly can irritate him and cause him to be distant. 

Yes, I'm doing my best to not trigger him to go "behind the wall" or "into the pit". It's all bad for everyone at that point.

- - -

I proposed that we go out to dinner tonight. There's this place called "Fatburger" in town. Hahaha, I know it sounds disgusting, but it's actually supposed to be really good. :) There's a groupon-coupon for it this week so I figured that we could try it out. It's too "thick" with drama at home and I can't breathe.

I know he needs love. I'm trying to give it to him. It's just hard when he pushes it away, is mean about it, or doesn't respond well when I need love. 

I know right? WTF. You give him love and you get nothing in return. I know. It's the story of most of our relationship. His fault or not - I'm not weighing it against him. I just want him to improve.

- - -

I feel like this post was entirely bitching about him. That wasn't the intention. I needed a safe place to vent because I don't get that option as much anymore. My freedom is slowly increasing (he's giving me more allowances day to day). We're working with the therapists regularly and I am noticing change. He hasn't been as emotionally abusive (intentionally) and I'm trying not to retaliate. I'm not good at sharing "my feels" that well and he's gotta work on being open to anything that isn't "happy".

C: "So you want me to just shut up and hear everything you have to say and nod."

M: "I need you to ACCEPT, AFFIRM, and VALIDATE me. I don't need a lecture. I don't need coercion. I need someone to tell me that everything is going to be okay and that we're doing the best we can."

C (Very frustrated): "I was just trying to tell you that it's a CHOICE to TRUST. I just CHOSE one day to trust you."

M: "I didn't ask for you to give me any solutions. I know what options I have."

C: "So it goes back to, I'm not allowed to tell you anything."

M: "You can ask me! You can ask me instead of talking AT me. 'So, I was in a very similar situation, would you mind my input?' Then I can choose whether or not I can handle that in the moment. It's being respectful."

C: "So I have to ask permission to tell you things."

M: "It's not a matter of permission. It's inappropriateness. You shouldn't ever talk AT me. You should talk with me, hear what I'm saying, and provide comfort (or whatever I'm needing) for me - just like I do for you. Otherwise you come off as a condescending asshole!"

At this point, he understood and was apologetic.

- - -

It's hard not to want to hide and bury my head in the sand. It's hard to be more trusting. It's hard to be present. It's hard to be kind, gentle, and compassionate. It's hard to be loving.

I'm determined, though. 

He doesn't have to have a plan, or plans, but I can. I can have my own plans. I can continue my Plan A, Plan B, Plan C-Z. I guess it took me a little while to figure that out. 

- - -

Gotta do the admin scanning for his work. 

xo

M

30.

15 levels the first day, 5 levels the 2nd, then 10 the 3rd. Not bad?

I'm never tanking. LOL Slam is too much fun.

Fun Stuff

Fun stuff note: I had some fun with friends on WoW lately.

Frank has wings that match his outfit. I'm not jealous - honestly! They just look badass. He deserves it (as much time as he freakin' puts into that game). I swear, he's probably got 400 days on his account. Just as a comparison, I think I have about 35 days, hahahahaha.

I've been playing with my friend Abeer lately. He's leveling up his 2nd Warrior. WHY? I have no idea. I still can't grasp the concept of banging your head against the wall for the 2nd time. NO offense, warriors - but the lack of ranged action makes my brain hurt sometimes. Anyway, I always have the most humorous times playing with him. 

Like this instance, we went to BRD...or was it LBRS...I can't even remember now. Of COURSE we got super lost in trying to do his quest. If that wasn't worse, after we finished his quest, we locked ourselves 'in' this area. We couldn't get out. Yeah, I don't know - it's been a while since we've both been there. Our solution was to kill ourselves. EASY FOR HIM. Jumping in the lava did shit all for me because my health regeneration would counter act the stupid 591 damage that the lava would do. What's even worse is that I couldn't remove my clothes because of a lack of inventory space. LAME!! I had to drown to death. Do you know how retarded it is for a warlock to drown to death? We have underwater breathing for the love of God. Hilarity. Seriously, my sides were aching.

Then this cutie pie (or not LOL) found his way onto my screen as we were pulling random shit. A DOOMFORGE DRAGOON. WTF!? I stood there and let him beat on me as I screenshotted. Abeer just teased me saying, "I thought you had a thing for plate wearers. That guy's a bald dwarf!" It's the fact that I've never freakin' seen a Dragoon in the history of World of Warcraft. THAT is crazy town. Dwarf or not, it was cute to see. <3

Okay after banging my head against the wall forever (in rushing Abeer through old ass instances where we both didn't know where we were going), I proceeded to level my own warrior. YES, more head banging commenced as I was JUST shy of 20. I finally couldn't take it anymore out of sheer boredom and Neil (Conin) asked me to raid. I said I couldn't but asked if he wouldn't mind rushing me instead. :) He came on his 45 rogue from No Moo, just for old times' sake. :)

Then there was this lovely lady a few days ago. Vereesa Windrunner. A friend of mine, Andy (Anday, not Sol) has been in love with this chick for as long as I can remember. He even made a druid named Virisa after her. Like seriously man? She's not that hot, LOL. Tyrande>Vereesa anyday. Tbh, ANY of them, Sylvanas, Alleria, Azshara, Tyrande are all > Vereesa. Not hatin' just sayin'!

Visiting my BF Illidan, LMAO. No not really. He's probably my favorite baddie in the game... well right next to Medivh, I guess. Demon Hunter + Demonologist = <3.

AND YES, the curse has returned, with a vengeance.

 

But at least I got Ashkandi. <3 At this point, I don't even know if it really made a difference THAT much to have it at the first try, but i still do <3 it.



The bitterness grows as my hunter in 500ilvl (basically) can do a fucking 100k dps (basically) without trying, LOL.

While my warlock >___> can manage to go down in dps...regardless of my new set bonus. It's okay, I've accepted my badness. Maybe it's time to move on (chyea right).

This is the only fun part (involving dpsing as my lock right now). AAAAAAND it's not even THAT fun LOL when you've got hunters that do the same or more. Here is aoe dps. I'm dead. Yes, the tank and offtank decided to let the paladin and I (who were aoeing - and told to) tank our own shit. I'd be more bitter about shitty tanks, but seriously when you've got a million aoe dps going on between 2 people, I don't really blame them. 

And then there's this. I don't really count it, but I guess I should. Single target heroic dps. It is an upgrade, but I hardly see those numbers in raids so it doesn't really matter. 

k I better log on before I convince myself never to play her again out of sheer spite.

xo
M

Recovery

It's been a while since I've last posted. I think it's due time.

I've been through a lot through the past few months. To be honest, I don't even know where to start.

This is probably a good song to summarize the events...

I know. In the End, by Linkin Park. Seriously? I mean out of all the cliche songs, why this one?

I've been in a tumultuous relationship for 6 year now. My significant other had been emotionally unavailable (among other things) due to issues that he's going through.

I know, lots of screwed up sadness crap that I really didn't mean to rehash, sorry. I made a post today on facebook:

"If I've learned anything from the mere 30 years of being alive...it's that life isn't ideal. Life can feel rough, critical, unbelievably unfair, neglectful, fruitless and slow. The reality is that satisfaction in life just takes a hell of a lot of effort & patience. Time heals heavy wounds (if you let them) and it goes by a lot faster once it's allowed to run its course. There have been a lot of negative posts lately (even I'm noticing them) on fb and as much as it's a train wreck that we all can't stop but look at, there is a flip side to all of it. Not saying that murderers, rapists, or abusers may deserve that compassion, but most people don't grow up aspiring to become this way. We could all benefit from more compassion, love, and understanding. Sorry /endrant lol!"

I guess this post is to vent, sorta. I need an unbiased place to vent and unfortunately, humans are fatally flawed and completely biased. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends and family dearly and appreciate their input, but people, you have no fucking idea what I'm going through - seriously. 

I'm not going to put down my husband. Despite his best efforts in doing retarded shit in the past, I won't heal by begrudgingly living life. It's not like I haven't had my fair share of retaliation. 

This is not an ideal situation. How facebook perfect it looks on the outside. We are NEVER in a fucking facebook perfection type of world. 

I post snippets of my life to share the awesomeness that happens on occasion. It's not like that everyday, but it is (or can be) often. It's a choice to live happier and to deal with the bullshit that comes our way better. It's a choice. 

- - -

My husband has been coping with Anxiety forever. I KNEW this going into the relationship. It's not his fault that I ran out of patience, compassion, and kindness. He may have contributed to all of it - but it's not his fault. I made a choice. In hindsight - there may have been better options for me but this is who I am. Maybe my OCD and rescuer complex are too OP (overpowered, it's a video game term) for my own good. 

I'm not making excuses for him or myself. I'm explaining why my life is a cluster-fuck of stress; Why I have ulcers at all. 

I got to this place by attempting to be myself again. I had covered up and hid who I was to cater to everyone else around me. It's what I always do. I'm THAT person. I'm that person with the massive rescuer complex that pleases everyone else around me aside from myself. When I get too lonely or miserable though, I break - just like every other human being. I just have a hell of a lot more patience than the average Joe. 

It basically ruined my relationship with him. I know, what? Being myself shouldn't ruin any relationship.

He had gotten comfortable just 'having' me. He had gotten to the place where he could basically treat me however he wanted because he KNEW, deep down, that because we have children and are settled (not to mention in a different fucking country), that he had the upper hand. As fiery of a person as I may come off on the outside, I can't say no (or have a very hard time saying it). It causes me to be subservient. Yeah I know, ME, subservient? WTF? Well, it's true.

I had gotten meek and many times, withdrawn from the world. His insecurities lead to my withdrawals. His introvertedness & anti-socialism, lead to my even more so 'walking on eggshells' whenever I'd want to do anything social. 

I know, how could a social butterfly turn regress back into a worm?

Easy, by not saying no.

- - -

I finally found solace in returning to World of Warcraft (among other games). I guess I found solace in gaming. I still do. 

In that though, I was able to cope by socializing with friends. THIS right here is the red flag. I'm not getting what I need at home, so I'm forced to look elsewhere for emotional support. I attempted to involve him more on what I needed at first, but he was never at a place where he could ever support me unconditionally. I don't honestly think he was ever at a place where he could even be present enough hear a short conversation. 

In the past, I blamed it on myself. I thought, what am I doing wrong that is preventing him from loving or connecting with me? That lead to a deep trail of insecurities. For all of those who know me, I usually have the average amount of girl insecurities, but for the most part, I've never really struggled with self worth or being insecure. I've always been 'awesome' and loved myself in my mind. This deep trail that I was on had changed me. How could I possibly be awesome or love myself if this is what I do to him? There wasn't anything I could ever do for or to him that would cause him to react negatively, but as you're learning the mental health process - none of these facts mattered at the time (or clicked in my mind for that matter). In my naive mind, I was the cause of his problems because he was taking them out on me.

What the fuck. Right? 

Don't get me wrong, I'm no angel. I can throw it right back at him with a vengeance. That wasn't a good cycle either. Him pursuing a fight and me retaliating in defense which would cause another fight (he was an avid pursuer) and another retaliation (I'm pretty god damned stubborn). 

Anyway, this vicious cycle lead to the crumbling of our marriage. We already were really different - and finding things in common were a struggle for us. Not to mention, I'm fucking 2000 miles away from family and friends (emotional support). 

Why couldn't I just be more supportive? 

I was. I was really supportive and I'm fucking proud of how much I tried already. I am HUMAN. I get hurt like everyone else and I need emotional support & love like everyone else. This relationship is seriously lacking in both.

I ended up developing an emotional attachment to my best friend. He's always been there for me for 10 years and vice versa. A relationship had never came up in the past so nothing was ever on my radar until it landed on my lap. 

I know, It sounds like an emotional affair. It probably technically was one. I don't fucking know or bother caring. I own up to my own shit and despite what negative implications that may lay for me in the future, I'm a great fucking person and I make mistakes too.

Long story short, I broke things off with my best friend. It was coming to a place where I knew that my life wasn't going to change much (me not leaving this area, nor this marriage - as I legally couldn't). I'm not going to string people along just for the sake of coping with day to day life. For once in my life, I didn't feel bad for committing an error. For once, I had conviction in a fault where because of where I've been in the past 6 years, this is where I ended up. I'm not justifying anything or giving myself an out. I'm saying, I'm human and I was broken. My wonderful friend had fixed me and I was allowing myself to be selfish enough to let him.

Breaking things off with my best friend was (and still is) one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my life. It's hard to let go when you truly share so many things (freakishly) in common with someone and they understand and appreciate you for just being you. I've said goodbye to best friends in the past but never a soul mate best friend. I'm truly sorry and one day I hope he forgives me. 

Why did I choose this?

There are times in the day where I still ask myself this. It wasn't a matter of choice. It was a matter of where I'm at in life. My husband will NEVER part with his children and part of me expects him to fight for them. As much as the idea of freedom makes my heart soar, the idea that my also-broken husband fighting for his family gives me hope. 

I don't know what the right thing to do is. I'm fucking 30 and there isn't any one of my friends that have ever gone through what I'm going through. There isn't anything to compare this to. 

All I know is that I have to work with my limitations. I have to work with what I've got and make the best out of it for MY sake and the sake of my children. 

Lots of stuff in my life has changed and some things haven't changed.

I say NO. I've developed smoking again. I play video games when I'm not needed to cope. We're going to counselling 1-2 times a week as well as personal therapy sessions. Cancer sticks, I know. WHY???? Because it's an immediate stress reliever and I'm not big enough of a person to join a fucking gym just yet. 

I'd love to. I'd love to feel healthier and I'll get there. In the time being, I'm LEARNING how to cope. We're learning how to create a deeper bond. If things can't grow deeper, then we'll figure that out soon enough as well. Either way, I'm not a fucking quitter and I'm going to try. If my kids retain any negative stuff from me (which I know they already will/do) I'm teaching them to take that stubbornness and turn it into determination. 

Things are getting better & less awkward. Working at something this intense is never easy and I don't expect it to be. He's trying and I'm trying. That's all I can hope for.

- - -

So here I conclude my rant for today. I needed to let it out. There's so much more in this that I'm not getting into - because to be brutally honest, it isn't going to change anything. 

How hurt, how much abuse, how much effort, how much whatever. 

The bottom line is - I won't let it get there again. I won't. I can't for my own sake and the sake of my family. What I can do is take each day as it comes, give it my all, and be grateful for the blessings that come despite how little they are. 

xo

Michie