Jiichan

My grampa (Jichan) just had a stroke. He's 94 and this is his 4th in the past 5 years. They said it was a mild stroke, but he can't move his legs well anymore. It was severe enough to hurt his nerves and ability to walk. 

I was raised by him. My parents were both full timers since I was born so my grandparents have almost been more like my parents than my own parents had been. 

My heart hurts. 

It's hard to not feel like I've been repeatedly beaten by the unlucky stick. 

Reality is, this is life. Shit happens and we have to roll with it. Lately though, my evasion tanking ability got nerfed and I keep getting slammed. 

Please get better Jiichan, please. I love you and don't want to live life without you. I'm not ready yet. Please, please, please, God, if you're listening at all, please help him get better. I know it's selfish, but this is something I really want and need, for my sake and my Bachan's sake. I don't want her to be alone nor leave this world lonely. 

xo

M

Bittersweet

So much is going through my heart right now. I can't even begin to describe it in the 10minutes before our marriage counselling session. 

Kesler did well today - but on his overall scores and assessments, he did get the diagnosis of Autism spectrum disorder. What's the fucked up part is that the "red flags" that they had observed, were the same issues I had as a child. 30 years ago, the same extensive assessments didn't exist so I was not diagnosed. 

Looking back, I probably would have been diagnosed if they had the same assessment. 

I'm frustrated because one of the psychiatrists working with him told me last week that he had no indication of red flags. What she meant was that he definitely was in the realm of normal human being but still in the spectrum of autism. The OCD was noted at the time, but after further evaluation, was deemed an autistic characteristic. 

I know it's not my fault. There is a lot of guilt. I know I didn't "give" this to my son, the love of my life. But I did, really and it hurts.

He's going to be a brilliant, independent, and successful human being in the future. I know. It doesn't take the pain away in this moment though, nor lessen the guilt. Emotions are just fucked that way.

I will feel better. I will eventually thank God that this is "just it", but in the moment, it still hurts and I'm not thankful.

For once in my life, as selfish as it sounds, I just wanted to have some good luck for myself instead of for others.

xo

M

Free Play

They set him up in this room to observe him in free play, while a psychologist engaged him in activities and while we observed with a team of people behind a mirrored glass window. He was amazing. Uh-mazing! They all fell in love with him. Who didn't see that coming? He's cheesy, loving, and charming. A bit like his mommy maybe?? ;)

He said "more peeze" and "I wanna blow" (when referring to bubbles) for the first time. He engaged the psychologist like a pro. I was so proud of him. :) he seems to be growing up well and slightly overachiever-ish. I can't help it that I'm OP and that I raise OP kids. ;) lol hahaha

I'm in the waiting room, waiting for the next part, which is the assessment - where they tell the parents what the diagnosis is and what they think the next course of action is. 

I'm nervous. It doesn't help that I haven't had breakfast or coffee yet and dear LORD I'm craving a cigarette. The stress level is pretty high right now but I'm optimistic because he did so well in front of everyone.

We will just have to wait and see. I wanted to go to Timmy's for late breakfast & coffee, but since we won't be out until later, Mickey d's is doing monopoly so we know where we're going!

xo

M

Ughhhh

Not having a very good morning so far. Everything just seems to have gotten off to a rough start. Today is Kesler's final Autism evaluation day. Ughhh so much stress & gum chewing.

My eyes are super brown today though! Bless you sunlight.

Sunshine

Good moods bring sunshine.

cout  << "Hello world!";

lol, you know I'm in a good mood when I start the post out in c++.

- - -

I got up naturally at 7:45am today. Fucking awesome.

I used to be a morning person, but after having babies (and probably my PCOS hormones being out of whack), it has been really hard to get up and at 'em in the morning.

Don't get me wrong, even as an early bird, I used to set my alarm hella early and have to hit the snooze button 2-3 times before really getting out of bed. ;)

Today marks the first day after a WEEK of taking progesterone supplements and feeling alive enough to naturally wake up early.

I AM super stoked. Had my coffee & maple & brown sugar oatmeal and woke up happily despite having a kinda bad sleep last night.

- - -

Chris and I went to bed last night almost on a sour note. I had figured something out yesterday with the help of my friend Iain and I was trying to share it with him. I'm not really that good at articulating my own emotions sometimes and Chris is really hypersensitive to it - so sometimes he immediately jumps down my throat or gets super defensive.

I level 90 boosted my warrior yesterday and was talking to Iain. His main has always been a warrior and since I hadn't chatted with him for a while, felt like it was a good opportunity to catch up and pick his brain. UNFORTUNATELY (LMAO), he's always been prot.

"The best advice that I could give you is not to listen to me about how to dps as a warrior."

Hahahahahahahahahaha!

Anyway, as we were catching up, he asked me how things are going. I said things are getting better, especially after re-finding out about PCOS. We're working on this marriage and although things aren't always sunshine and daisies, we're making the best of the situation.

He then told me, "This is what worries me. You, my dear friend, have to figure out what makes you happy. You're so good at making everyone else feel loved, supported, and happy that you forget about your own happiness."

I was caught off guard a bit, because he was right. I really didn't know what it was (or were) specifically that makes me happy within relationships. I started digging deep and thought about all the relationships I've had and what specifics about them made me happy.

They all had one thing in common: compatibility. Not necessarily being 'alike', but more like a combination of lifestyle, upbringing, and most importantly OCD (as crazy as it sounds). Everyone who I've been very close to in my life and had deeper connections with were similar in that respect.

How can I explain this?

Hmm...

(God damnit, lol my grandma just called to yell at me for not getting her a fitbit yet. WTF man!? LMAO How does she even know about this?!)

Anyway, this compatibility makes just everyday life significantly easier. It's nice to know that your significant other just 'does' what you do or at least doesn't question how you do things or how you function. I loved not having to always explain my thought process and little things like that makes me happy, surprisingly enough.

Sure enough, last night didn't go so well when I tried to explain this.

He immediately went directly to insinuating that I was trying to compare him to previous relationships - when that wasn't the case at all. I was trying to explain what worked for me; What made me happy. I didn't want him to try to be someone else or try to have OCD, lmao. I just figured that if our compatibility was an issue that, that is something I felt was important to discuss with Robin, our therapist. We have to figure out what works for us for the sake of the relationship and our children. We have to build new blocks because our old blocks were not compatible and stable enough.

In the end (after two hours of his pursuing and my withdrawing arguments), he finally understood and was pleasantly happy that I figured out a major component of the issues we're having.

It ended up frustrating me a little because I couldn't help but think that in any of my previous relationships, I wouldn't have even had to explain that!

Despite it all, I can only appreciate the effort. He's trying to make me happy although it doesn't always work out that way. It's many steps forward compared to what it was before.

It's not perfect, but I have to take life a day at a time. This is what I've got. This is what I have to work with. I need to do my best in what I can do.

xo
M

Dem BROWS

My brows are on point today, whaaaat??

I guess my eyes are too - although I didn't have to try as hard on them, hahahaha! 

I thank my Mom for my brow shape. No seriously, it is kind of old fashioned in a sense. It's not super thick like Cara Delevigne (and in the fad) and it's not super thin and arched, but It couldn't be more ideal to me (as far as brows are concerned). They are as old school 'classic' as you can get. :) 

Love you, mommy! :)

Xo

M

Funky Dream

OH MAN, OH MAN, OH MANNNN.

I just had the most wicked dream in a long time.

- - -

So it starts out in Rob Stark's camp.

I was a ranger that looked like Valla, from D3. Well actually my gear just looked like this: 

But I had warglaives!! OH MAN. OH MAN, OH MAN. I didn't use a ranged weapon. I used Mithril (LoTR) warglaives, that apparently killed white walkers.

In my dream, they looked like the warglaives of azzinoth, but they were made out of Mithril, so they were all like light silvery - lol no enchants.

So apparently Talisa, Robb Stark's lady - in my dream, was a leader of a brothel. She was hired by Robb Stark & co. because she was as close to a doctor they could find. Her brothel also were trained to be support nurses.

I was against bringing her from the start. I had a weird feeling like things were going to unfold nastily, but everyone assured me that it was going to be okay - that her "team" was going to be helpful for this group of guys - for more than a few reasons. I had said that her brothel would distract the group from progressing. My vote got veto'ed really fast.

Anyway this group of guys that were there (well part of the army) were ALL my friends. Like Robb Stark and co. were all there, but his right hand men & all the main dudes were all my good friends. Like seriously - ALL of them. Chris was one of Robb Stark's inner circle people and would discuss strategy on their war table. My friends Cinti, Jeff, and Sataya were his Kingsguards. Surprisingly enough, Andy was a Scribe, WITH his alienware computer (LOL YEA WTF?). He would plant his computer in that tent and type up discussed strategy.

So being this sneaky ranger person, I would sneak around to the brothel's tent and listen in on what was going on. I had this OP Illidan skill where I could do this aoe stealth thing. I don't know why I didn't just call it the rogue stealth ability, but in my dream - it was specific to Illidan's stealth ability, lol (don't ask). Talisa was talking about rising to the top becoming Robb Stark's queen, by sleeping her way there - then calling the shots behind the scenes. 

This was really discerning so I went to Chris and said, HEY you guys need to do something about this. An argument commenced and EVERYONE seemed to be taking her side (like the moron men they were - no offense, it's a dream). She barged into the tent upset and made clear that she had been sleeping with just about everyone including Chris since December. Her vendetta became strongly clear. She had explained that she sexually went after Chris first - being one of his strategists & manipulated him. She then moved onto the Kingsguards - to have better freedom of access to Rob Stark. Then she moved onto the noblemen to gain their trust - one by one. And last but not least, she went to the scribe, to manipulate his work - the notes he had on their strategies. 

I grabbed her by her hair and threw her face against this stone wall, then proceeded to bash her face into my knee. She arose and her face was completely untouched. WTF? Then her eyes (the entire eyeball) started to glow bright blue. 

"YOU know not the power of the north!"

Then her true form came out.

Everyone was blown away that she was really a white walker, trying to infiltrate the system. WHY was I the only one that figured out this shit? Because I'm a mother fuckin' ranger demon hunter woman with fucking warglaives, bitch? LOL. 

Then everyone who had slept with her, started feeling weird. Their penises started getting cold and ice-like. Then this ice-like feeling spread to the rest of their bodies and they started turning into white walkers themselves. Screams of agony started coming out of the tent and within minutes - the tent was full of white walkers. 

So what do you think happened next? 

Don't ask, because if i'm a ranger, none of this makes any sense, LOL. It's a dream though!

1) Die by the Sword

2) Battle Shout

3) Berserker Rage

4) Recklessness

5) /target White Walker Talisa, Raging Blow

6) Execute

7) Soysoysoy 

I killed EVERYONE. EVERYONE.

I woke up so sad and stoked at the same time of the awesomeness of my dream. 

NOW, I have to look up if warriors can actually wield the Warglaives of fucking Azzinoth because NOW I freakin' want them.

THIS is what nerds dream about and it makes me proud to be one. 

xo

M