Sick mama <3
kupo
Monday, November 17, 2014
Jung personality type test
So, I've taken a few Jung personality type tests before and gotten different results each time.
For those that don't know about the test,
According to Carl G. Jung's theory of psychological types [Jung, 1971], people can be characterized by their preference of general attitude:
- Extraverted (E) vs. Introverted (I),
their preference of one of the two functions of perception:
- Sensing (S) vs. Intuition (N),
and their preference of one of the two functions of judging:
- Thinking (T) vs. Feeling (F)
The three areas of preferences introduced by Jung are dichotomies. Jung also proposed that in a person one of the four functions above is dominant – either a function of perception or a function of judging. Isabel Briggs Myers, a researcher and practitioner of Jung’s theory, proposed to see the judging-perceiving relationship as a fourth dichotomy influencing personality type [Briggs Myers, 1980]:
- Judging (J) vs. Perceiving (P)
They then take the dominant type from each category to help create the personality type acronym. There are 16 possible outcomes in this test.
I decided to take an average of the results. Despite the fact that all my answers are honest, the answers are situational provide a marginally different outcome each test. They're not way off each test, but I always get all of the letters.
I have tested in the 0-5% range of every category. So basically smack dab in the middle of every category. I do not weigh higher on ANYTHING. All of my tests, have weighed within the 0-5% range.
The scales of these four dimensions represent a continuum between two opposite poles, from 100 at one pole to 100 at another pole. In other words the scale is 200 units long:
Extravert [100% - - - 0% - - - 100%] Introvert
People may reveal features of both poles but typically have a preference of one way over the other. The letter indicates the preference and the percentage indicates the extent of it.
Apparently, most people aren't within the 0-5% range on any one thing, then on top of that, it's almost unheard of for people to be balanced on 2 categories. I am the weird freak that's balanced on all 4.
Thank you emotional quotient, clairsentience, for making me so balanced that I broke a personality test!
I finally came "out of the closet" about clairsentience with Iain last night. I felt comfortable to "come out" because he's a clairsentient as well. Go ahead think I'm crazy, but don't act all surprised because I've probably felt your emotions obviously at some point where it was "weird that I just happened to know exactly what you were feeling" or "you know me better than I know myself". I don't. I just cheat and feel you.
Being clairsentient brings a different level of misery to someone's life. I'm never surprised. You can't hide anything because despite the fact that I'm not psychic and don't know what you're thinking, I'm clairsentient and feel what you're feeling, then interpret it through logic on what's going on. I'm always right when it comes to feeling the emotion. I'm just not always right when interpreting. Some people have very obvious physical emotional responses that I can feel. Like grieving from a loss - that's specific and feels totally different from getting a bad grade on a test. I can feel all the inbetweens of all those emotions.
Anxiety is a hard one. There are variations, but anxiety can be so intense that it clouds the other more specific emotions.
Love is specific. There are a myriad of different kinds of love. How one person defines love is completely different from another. I can feel them all - as different as they are.
Anyway, I had to go prove it to my catholic father. I had to "feel" 3 people because in the Catholic Church, you need 3 miracles to happen in order for it to be acknowledged. I read 3 people spot on, even down to the physicality of where they were feeling it. Then I proceeded to feel my priest as his skepticism had quickly changed to asking me, "Who was your patron saint at confirmation?" I told him it was St. Francis. He proceeded to tell me that it was fitting (and a 4th miracle) because St. Francis was the initial clairsentient in history, apparently. "This is not a coincidence. This is all part of His plan."
Okay? Not to be a Debbie downer, but if god granted me this weird ability to help people and I'm a selfish bitch who only used it for getting good on interviews and knowing what I was getting for Xmas ahead of time, I'd say I failed this mission for reals.
My priest continued to tell me that there are people on earth that many Catholics believe were miracles - not meant to be here but are angels put on earth designed to help others. Most of them have supernatural abilities.
Hold the phone.
First of all, I don't even know if I believe that this is a supernatural ability. I've always thought it was just great intuition and just a higher emotional quotient.
Secondly, don't imply I'm some kind of angel, because I'm not. I'm not one of God's gift to mankind. I'm just a weirdo with high emotional intelligence.
So after that evaluation, I officially got deemed as a clairsentient. Hardly anyone knows - and it's not something I really am particularly happy or proud about. Iain is also clairsentient. We can feel each other trying to feel each other, it's hilarious. Like concious scanning or observation.
Why did I bring this up?
Because I had a rough day yesterday. In all ways, hahahaha.
Because Iain said we were an evolution of people - emotional quotient wise. That we are awesome. Most people just won't ever realize that we are, since we fade into the darkness so easily. We're the most highly adaptable people and we're reserved and also wear our hearts on our sleeves.
My point was - I took the test to prove a point to myself. The point was that I'm weird - and so fucking unique it's ridiculous. I literally can be what most people need because I don't have a defined specific personality type. I am literally a book full of blank pages to fill. I hardly say no - because why not? I adapt to everything and anything. I'm not pigeonholed into any category. I'm not just a girl gamer. I'm not just a nerd. I wasn't just a softball player, band geek, or cheerleader. I was fucking everything because I could be.
So go ahead and judge. Judge me for being weird or be skeptical. Judge me for being angry or whatever you think I reflect. Because I am weird, nerdy, and clairsentient.
This doesn't make me angry. This makes me confident. Because although being so unique can be a lonely place, I'm also in a league of my own. That feels fucking OP.
xo
eM
Sweet ball of glowing light
Part of my convo with Justin yesterday
After this, I had a lengthy convo with my good friend Iain. I am the epitome of the knight in shining armor. I am that dude that comes in to help or be there for people that need anything - unbiased and unjudging. I just have this fucked up ideal of making people feel like a million bucks regardless if they deserve it or not.
When they get to the point where I've contributed to the growth of enough confidence and/or gotten what they needed out of me, it enables them to grow enough balls to pursue people they initially hadn't had enough balls to pursue initially and drop off the face of the earth (until they need something from me again).
I am the placeholder friend (typically without sexual benefits), the understudy, that fills the void until they're ready to grow a pair.
I like to call it, "the silver medal".
If it were just once or twice, I wouldn't be so hard on myself. Unfortunately, it's happened to every relationship & best friend relationship I've had since high school.
After talking with Iain (whom I have this bond with because he also is like me in a sense where we either get friendzoned if we're single and/or indirectly used on the regular), we've come to the conclusion that this will never end. It will never end because this is who we are. We'll always be loving, selfless, and overly caring individuals. Unconfident people flock to us looking for sunshine and rainbows. We can't help but bring people up because it makes us happy. Then the indirect taking advantage part comes into play. We're just a crutch in their lives. They all claim to love us, but we're so easily casted aside after we're no longer needed.
Story of my life. Story of Iain's life.
What's even more ruthless about this is that even in my current situation, although I know Chris loves me, he struggles with difficulty in showing any love, which furthermore contributes to this "absolutely unlovable complex".
Initially, I cried about this for a lot of yesterday and did my whole pity party about, "Dear god I didn't think I was that awful and unlovable."
Reality is, I am lovable. I love myself - otherwise I wouldn't have conviction in my decisions. I just have put myself out there and made myself venerable to the wrong people. I make poor choices in friends because I'm gullible. I will believe it when you tell me that I'm the best friend ever so you can get whatever you're looking for, companionship, fun, happiness, confidence, etc. Then when I get casted aside when something better comes along, I'll question if any of it was real to begin with.
I want to believe that my first boyfriend of all time (who loved me harder than anyone I've ever had a relationship with had), truly loved me at one point. That he at one point, truly believed that I was "it", despite life altering our courses. He even promised that we'd save our virginity till marriage because he loved me enough to wait. He said it'd be the ultimate wedding gift. I know, so much cheese.
It's just hard to believe that nowadays.
He knew a girl that went to high school with him that was close to my ethnicity and was into video games as well. I knew he thought she was "a cool chick" for a long time. He never once brought her up with me because dear lord, we all know how awkward would that be to talk to a girl you're into about another girl you're into, especially when she's sort of like the bigger breasted version of the first one.
So he did what all of them do and dropped off the face of the earth and started going out with her. Told me that he lost his virginity a few months later, just as a zinger.
Thanks for that.
Later on years later he told me, "I'm glad that we're still friends. You were the perfect preparation for my relationship."
Damon also told me the same thing when he started going out with his current wife (the half Filipina). "We're just placeholders until something better comes along."
I was Josh's best friend until he met his new gf, Chinese Filipina lawyer chick in the gaming industry. Then we literally haven't talked for years. Years. He was smart enough to not tell me that I was a placeholder though, despite the reality.
Frank used me as placeholder until he was ready to come out. Literally super lead me on - introduced me to his parents, the whole 9 yards. Didn't even tell me he was gay until I was in too deep.
Fuck my life, seriously. No fuck guys. They're assholes. I'm not a fucking placeholder, I'm fucking awesome. If you can't be friends with me after finding someone else, if I'm just casted aside like a used tampon because I'm taken, or you've found someone better, dear lord get the fuck out of my life.
Some of my friends tease me about the aggro in my life and how I couldn't possibly know what real rejection is like. Are you fucking insane? You don't know what rejection is like. My life has been a constant rejection cycle. I just have gotten so used to it, I believe that it's just what I deserve or get. That I'm broken and it's better than nothing.
Ok, phew, so that's my schpeel.
I'm so sick today, lol. I thought it was getting better yesterday, but I'm so sick I can't get out of bed. My head is full of phlegm and grossness.
Hopefully it'll pass soon because I need to get better for next week. I'm flying solo down to SoCal for thanksgiving because my kuya wants me to be there when he proposes to his longtime gf. I can't wait. I'll be visiting with some no moo friends and hopefully justin can come up to catch a movie with us. <3
He's conflicted right now because he feels like he's in the middle. I deleted him off of battle.net in the attempts to not be so bothersome or annoying. That only pissed him off more so I readded him. I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to lose my friendship with justin. He's been my friend forever. I also don't want to put him in anymore uncomfortable situations. I'm sorry fufeface. I told you, I'm awful.
Well this is where I'm at. Sick and in hiding. I wrote a goodbye letter to Andy in WoW just as a kind gesture. I have no intention of talking to him again. The fear of being manipulated or taken advantage of is too great. I don't know what to believe anymore and frankly it doesn't matter. I'm not sorry (for fucking once in my life). I want to believe that nothing was intended to be malicious, and that he'd never want to hurt me, but I can't.
They all knew what they were getting into, so forgive me for the lack of sympathy.
I'm gonna go hate guys for a while now lol and do my best to live freely for a while. See how that goes for me.
Xo
eM
Sunday, November 16, 2014
So sick lol
Good afternooooooon! My cold has evolved to a lung infection. I'm sooooo tired and phlegmy.
On another note, after talking to Justin today, I've completely deleted Andy from my life. Lol yes, I'm done. I hope you enjoy the rest of your life. Promises can be broken. What's the fucked up part is that the promise was probably a lie to begin with. Dear lord.
I hate liars, they break my heart.
Xo
eM
Loish
Loish, I love her.
She painted a digital painting recently that I can identify with lol so well.
It's like it was meant for me or something! Hahahahaha ;) I wish I had red eyes. <3 they'd look gorgeous!
Saturday, November 15, 2014
Hey, I thought I got over this....
Hey! I thought I had already gotten over a cold, wtf man! This lingering cold will just not quit. Just feeling pretty awful today.
It's this feeling of cold where you just can't get warm despite the amount of blankets you put on or heater you're blasting. GUHH. I took my cold fx today as well as a neocitran (theraflu), because I literally can't fucking breathe, lol.
On another random note, I played WoW for a millisecond today, lol. Yeah, it was okay. They did a great job, don't get me wrong. There are many improvements in the game and lots (I MEAN LOTS) of nostalgia. I seriously get all schnerg-like when I zone into 'Shadowmoon Valley'. It's the little things, lol. I just haven't really gotten too attached to the game as much as I thought I would've.
What makes D3 more worth it (for me at least)? Because I don't have time in my life for a 'time dump'. I need the ability to do a 15min grift and that's it sometimes. I need to be able to solo and do my own thing without needing to party for instances if I want better gear. I need a light - but hardcore game. WoW is too fucking labor intensive. Seriously, if you want to do anything well in that game, prepared to either spend forever (or a decade) to progress well, or prepare to gouge your eyes out from grinding shit. It's the nature of an MMO. I don't hate it - trust me, I truly don't. I just don't have the patience for it anymore.
I enjoy playing with my friends too much to prioritize random bullshit quests that take up my time. I mean seriously, in the scope of my life - those quests (no offense) waste my time. I'd rather be laughing with my friends doing a mundane grift. I know it's not like that for everyone - that's just me. I'm not hating, I just know better now. Life is too short to spend without laughter. I just notice the more I solo shit in WoW, the less patient with people I become. I dunno, it comes with the territory I guess. I just fucking hate who I become when I play that shit for too long.
Playing d3 forces me to either have short spurts of hard gaming, or long plays laughing with friends. Either way, my heart is considerably lighter when i'm gaming with friends there.
- - -
On another note, Christopher and I had the biggest fight we've had in a few months last night. I dunno what the fuck is going on with him, but we finished up the mortgage situation - he was doing pretty well up until that point and what do you think happened? When things go good for him, that's when shit has to start going downhill. I will never fucking understand that shit. It drives me insane. Like literally, I feel like I'm going crazy, because he transitions behind 'the wall' or in 'the pit' so easily that I must be crazy because I don't see how the fuck he got in there to begin with. His cycle is all about rejection and neglect. He's just completely dismissive and is an asshole. The world revolves around him and he's impatient and cold to everyone. Apologizes all the time for his behavior, but does absolutely nothing to correct it. YELLS. Yes, he yells, demands, criticizes, etc. then apologizes again, then does the whole thing over again.
What do I do? I don't take it well, obviously. Who would? What sane person (fuck, sane or NOT) could continue to live without love and interact with someone who is regularly ungentle and unkind without any repercussions? I fucking have no idea how to do this anymore.
Our therapist says we're going the right direction. Obviously, away from wanting to hang myself would be a good direction. I just can't foresee this improving until he gets his childhood trauma ptsd stuff out of the way first. He has major control issues. No seriously. He has this super ptsd trauma of never being allowed to make his own mistakes without being in trouble or something. Never being able to choose what to do on his own. I don't really know what his specific trauma is (he explains to robin that there are quite a few things that it could be from so he can't pinpoint which trauma). Anyway, because of these trauma ptsd things that continue to cause him to fight or flight, absolutely anything I do can trigger this behavior. I not ONLY cannot make him happy, I basically run the risk of consistently triggering this awful behavior by just EXISTING - just because it is from TRAUMA.
FUCK MY LIFE.
So what's my role in this entire fucking cycle? MY JOB, is literally to "tolerate" his behavior better, i.e. be more understanding to his behavior. Someone is spanking my child, or locking her in her room in the dark, yelling at her to 'shut up' and I go upstairs upset. WHAT THE FUCK am I supposed to say? You think I'm going to just have a smile and hold him until he calms down? What the fuck!?! This is fucking ridiculous. I fucking stormed upstairs today and ran into Izzy's room, turned on the light and held her until she stopped hyperventilating. Confronted her father who was blaming everything on the 4 year old.
M: "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"
C: "She threw the leap pad."
M: "I don't give a flying fuck if she threw the DOG. It is never okay to hit her that hard 3 times, drag her to her room (with her screaming bloody murder), and lock her in there in the dark."
C: "Yeah you wouldn't be pissed of if she did that with you around?!"
M: "OF COURSE I WOULD BE PISSED. She also doesn't do that shit around me because we don't get to the point of boredom where she'd be fucking wanting to chuck things."
C: "Are you saying that I need to do everything. That you can do whatever the fuck you feel like doing and I need to do everything else."
M: "I'm fucking SICK. YES. FUCKING GROW UP AND HANDLE IT."
I heard the hits from the office downstairs. The screams were awful. Like seriously, this shit has got to stop.
Sometimes he assumes peoples' personalities or aspects of it. I don't now how, I don't know why, all I know is that he does it. This week, he's Gord. Not the loving grandpa Gord, but the distant, incapable of showing love and gentleness, so anxious he's just shy of having a panic attack, judgmental and overly critical - yet passive aggressive so he can't actually say what he's upset about guy. Like, we had sex, to make him feel more 'in control' literally - because he basically felt like he had no control over anything. I don't fucking understand how that happens. How the whole assuming personalities thing comes into play. It fucking freaks me out - because it's like i'm married to some fucking completely different person. No seriously, on the scariness scale - it's fucking scary as hell. My husband wouldn't normally hurt my daughter - to the point where we have to work on him not enabling her. This week, he justifies hurting her by saying that he used his left hand instead of his right hand.
Like seriously? Give me a fucking break.
I feel like an awful person for having A COLD. Because I'm sluggish and tired. Because I'm coughing a lot and using my fucking inhaler. I'm not even allowed to fucking be SICK without any repercussions.
If i take a break or take time to myself, HE HAS to take time also. AT THE SAME TIME, mind you. There is no concept in his (I want to add curse words here but I'm refraining) brain, of looking after his wife and kids, especially if his wife is under the weather. I don't have a husband that takes care of me. He can hardly take care of himself. WHY DID I MARRY HIM? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?
NOW, I can't even take it back even if I wanted to.
It's never going to end.
I get to a place in my heart where it feels so hopeless that my whole body feels empty.
My heart is broken. I think it's going to stay that way for a really long time. I thought things were going well. They'll never go well. My kids will grow up with so many problems because I married THIS man. I've never met a more complicated person in my life. What's the most fucked up part is that he's not actually complicated at all - he just MAKES things complicated because that's easier to deal with for him. The stress of a complicated life, is comforting. I will never understand and it breaks my heart that my children will learn this behavior as a normal behavior.
I wish I could've married Kit Harington. I wish he could've fucking swept me off my feet and taken me to England where my children could've grown up with English accents and had afternoon tea and crumpets. Oh to dream. I would have rocked his world, just sayin'! lol
God it feels good to vent. I was apprehensive of going back upstairs before venting because I KNOW we would get into some bullshit argument because he wasn't fully present and only comprehended half of what the fuck I was actually saying. Criticizing how I said it, tonality, or the symantics.
Like yesterday, he was blasting Eminem on his headset. I couldn't tell if he could hear me well or not. He died 45 times doing a rift, so I was telling him how to beat it. I started raising my voice a little because his music was fucking blasting. He managed to criticize me on not only the words I used - but the fact that I was helping him at all to begin with. Then he proceeded to say that he didn't need my fucking help and that he didn't care what my friends thought of him (after they had so kindly invited him to play with us).
What an idiot. Seriously, you make yourself look like such a douche. No, I take that back. You ARE a douche. You're a self absorbed asshole that can't fucking be empathetic to save your life. You will forever be lonely and NO one will like you because of HOW you behave and HOW you treat people (nevertheless how you treat your wife and children). He's like, I never asked you to help me.
I didn't know that telling you how to beat the level - was an insult. Considering you died fucking 45 times, started hitting the table (smashing his fists on the table in frustration), and started yelling profanities while I was on skype with 3 other people. Like seriously, DO YOU ever STOP and look at yourself? What are you, 5 and having a tantrum? Because I decide to help you (because to be honest, it's bloody fucking embarrassing to be married to someone who does that shit, let alone have my 3 good friends hear you freak out), I'm going to be the lightning rod of hate - because I'm doing a kind gesture.
GO fuck yourself, you ungrateful fucking spoiled brat of a child.
I can't fucking do anything right, LMAO.
Seriously.
Seriously.
xo
eM
It's this feeling of cold where you just can't get warm despite the amount of blankets you put on or heater you're blasting. GUHH. I took my cold fx today as well as a neocitran (theraflu), because I literally can't fucking breathe, lol.
On another random note, I played WoW for a millisecond today, lol. Yeah, it was okay. They did a great job, don't get me wrong. There are many improvements in the game and lots (I MEAN LOTS) of nostalgia. I seriously get all schnerg-like when I zone into 'Shadowmoon Valley'. It's the little things, lol. I just haven't really gotten too attached to the game as much as I thought I would've.
What makes D3 more worth it (for me at least)? Because I don't have time in my life for a 'time dump'. I need the ability to do a 15min grift and that's it sometimes. I need to be able to solo and do my own thing without needing to party for instances if I want better gear. I need a light - but hardcore game. WoW is too fucking labor intensive. Seriously, if you want to do anything well in that game, prepared to either spend forever (or a decade) to progress well, or prepare to gouge your eyes out from grinding shit. It's the nature of an MMO. I don't hate it - trust me, I truly don't. I just don't have the patience for it anymore.
I enjoy playing with my friends too much to prioritize random bullshit quests that take up my time. I mean seriously, in the scope of my life - those quests (no offense) waste my time. I'd rather be laughing with my friends doing a mundane grift. I know it's not like that for everyone - that's just me. I'm not hating, I just know better now. Life is too short to spend without laughter. I just notice the more I solo shit in WoW, the less patient with people I become. I dunno, it comes with the territory I guess. I just fucking hate who I become when I play that shit for too long.
Playing d3 forces me to either have short spurts of hard gaming, or long plays laughing with friends. Either way, my heart is considerably lighter when i'm gaming with friends there.
- - -
On another note, Christopher and I had the biggest fight we've had in a few months last night. I dunno what the fuck is going on with him, but we finished up the mortgage situation - he was doing pretty well up until that point and what do you think happened? When things go good for him, that's when shit has to start going downhill. I will never fucking understand that shit. It drives me insane. Like literally, I feel like I'm going crazy, because he transitions behind 'the wall' or in 'the pit' so easily that I must be crazy because I don't see how the fuck he got in there to begin with. His cycle is all about rejection and neglect. He's just completely dismissive and is an asshole. The world revolves around him and he's impatient and cold to everyone. Apologizes all the time for his behavior, but does absolutely nothing to correct it. YELLS. Yes, he yells, demands, criticizes, etc. then apologizes again, then does the whole thing over again.
What do I do? I don't take it well, obviously. Who would? What sane person (fuck, sane or NOT) could continue to live without love and interact with someone who is regularly ungentle and unkind without any repercussions? I fucking have no idea how to do this anymore.
Our therapist says we're going the right direction. Obviously, away from wanting to hang myself would be a good direction. I just can't foresee this improving until he gets his childhood trauma ptsd stuff out of the way first. He has major control issues. No seriously. He has this super ptsd trauma of never being allowed to make his own mistakes without being in trouble or something. Never being able to choose what to do on his own. I don't really know what his specific trauma is (he explains to robin that there are quite a few things that it could be from so he can't pinpoint which trauma). Anyway, because of these trauma ptsd things that continue to cause him to fight or flight, absolutely anything I do can trigger this behavior. I not ONLY cannot make him happy, I basically run the risk of consistently triggering this awful behavior by just EXISTING - just because it is from TRAUMA.
FUCK MY LIFE.
So what's my role in this entire fucking cycle? MY JOB, is literally to "tolerate" his behavior better, i.e. be more understanding to his behavior. Someone is spanking my child, or locking her in her room in the dark, yelling at her to 'shut up' and I go upstairs upset. WHAT THE FUCK am I supposed to say? You think I'm going to just have a smile and hold him until he calms down? What the fuck!?! This is fucking ridiculous. I fucking stormed upstairs today and ran into Izzy's room, turned on the light and held her until she stopped hyperventilating. Confronted her father who was blaming everything on the 4 year old.
M: "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"
C: "She threw the leap pad."
M: "I don't give a flying fuck if she threw the DOG. It is never okay to hit her that hard 3 times, drag her to her room (with her screaming bloody murder), and lock her in there in the dark."
C: "Yeah you wouldn't be pissed of if she did that with you around?!"
M: "OF COURSE I WOULD BE PISSED. She also doesn't do that shit around me because we don't get to the point of boredom where she'd be fucking wanting to chuck things."
C: "Are you saying that I need to do everything. That you can do whatever the fuck you feel like doing and I need to do everything else."
M: "I'm fucking SICK. YES. FUCKING GROW UP AND HANDLE IT."
I heard the hits from the office downstairs. The screams were awful. Like seriously, this shit has got to stop.
Sometimes he assumes peoples' personalities or aspects of it. I don't now how, I don't know why, all I know is that he does it. This week, he's Gord. Not the loving grandpa Gord, but the distant, incapable of showing love and gentleness, so anxious he's just shy of having a panic attack, judgmental and overly critical - yet passive aggressive so he can't actually say what he's upset about guy. Like, we had sex, to make him feel more 'in control' literally - because he basically felt like he had no control over anything. I don't fucking understand how that happens. How the whole assuming personalities thing comes into play. It fucking freaks me out - because it's like i'm married to some fucking completely different person. No seriously, on the scariness scale - it's fucking scary as hell. My husband wouldn't normally hurt my daughter - to the point where we have to work on him not enabling her. This week, he justifies hurting her by saying that he used his left hand instead of his right hand.
Like seriously? Give me a fucking break.
I feel like an awful person for having A COLD. Because I'm sluggish and tired. Because I'm coughing a lot and using my fucking inhaler. I'm not even allowed to fucking be SICK without any repercussions.
If i take a break or take time to myself, HE HAS to take time also. AT THE SAME TIME, mind you. There is no concept in his (I want to add curse words here but I'm refraining) brain, of looking after his wife and kids, especially if his wife is under the weather. I don't have a husband that takes care of me. He can hardly take care of himself. WHY DID I MARRY HIM? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?
NOW, I can't even take it back even if I wanted to.
It's never going to end.
I get to a place in my heart where it feels so hopeless that my whole body feels empty.
My heart is broken. I think it's going to stay that way for a really long time. I thought things were going well. They'll never go well. My kids will grow up with so many problems because I married THIS man. I've never met a more complicated person in my life. What's the most fucked up part is that he's not actually complicated at all - he just MAKES things complicated because that's easier to deal with for him. The stress of a complicated life, is comforting. I will never understand and it breaks my heart that my children will learn this behavior as a normal behavior.
I wish I could've married Kit Harington. I wish he could've fucking swept me off my feet and taken me to England where my children could've grown up with English accents and had afternoon tea and crumpets. Oh to dream. I would have rocked his world, just sayin'! lol
God it feels good to vent. I was apprehensive of going back upstairs before venting because I KNOW we would get into some bullshit argument because he wasn't fully present and only comprehended half of what the fuck I was actually saying. Criticizing how I said it, tonality, or the symantics.
Like yesterday, he was blasting Eminem on his headset. I couldn't tell if he could hear me well or not. He died 45 times doing a rift, so I was telling him how to beat it. I started raising my voice a little because his music was fucking blasting. He managed to criticize me on not only the words I used - but the fact that I was helping him at all to begin with. Then he proceeded to say that he didn't need my fucking help and that he didn't care what my friends thought of him (after they had so kindly invited him to play with us).
What an idiot. Seriously, you make yourself look like such a douche. No, I take that back. You ARE a douche. You're a self absorbed asshole that can't fucking be empathetic to save your life. You will forever be lonely and NO one will like you because of HOW you behave and HOW you treat people (nevertheless how you treat your wife and children). He's like, I never asked you to help me.
I didn't know that telling you how to beat the level - was an insult. Considering you died fucking 45 times, started hitting the table (smashing his fists on the table in frustration), and started yelling profanities while I was on skype with 3 other people. Like seriously, DO YOU ever STOP and look at yourself? What are you, 5 and having a tantrum? Because I decide to help you (because to be honest, it's bloody fucking embarrassing to be married to someone who does that shit, let alone have my 3 good friends hear you freak out), I'm going to be the lightning rod of hate - because I'm doing a kind gesture.
GO fuck yourself, you ungrateful fucking spoiled brat of a child.
I can't fucking do anything right, LMAO.
Seriously.
Seriously.
xo
eM
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