>___>

K I LIED. I'm 36.

I average a level per 16-20 minutes. I think this is a world record for me, lol.

Not to mention, she's a cheater in dps.

>___> NEED TO STOP PLAYING...

Oh Abeer, you silly schnerg.

TODAY, marks the day where I pvp'd and enjoyed it.

First, I was just going from place to place killing shit. 

Then, I was guarding blacksmith with a priest and a rogue. It was SO good. SO SO SO good.

Abeer tried to "blend in" with the locals. That didn't work so well...

I almost crit for 3 million. Yes, it was cheating, but made me happy in the pantaloons. Hahaha <3

So I changed around some gear, gems, and enchants and my dps is back to normal again. Phew. It had to do with my mastery being under 25%.

So yeah, it's getting better. :)

This girl is 1 bar from 33. I pvped today JUST so she could have her Truesilver Champion. It's too hot to pass up. 

Bad news Berenstein Bears

Down to 104lbs. This stress bullshit is a really effective diet. 

at least it makes my face less fat. 

On another note, I went to Fatburger for the first time. I think I would've liked it more if fucking Starbucks gave me what I fucking ordered instead of a normal Pumpkin Spice Latte. Let's just say I'm sick - not to mention fighting this cold thing. My stummy is NOT happy.

iPhone picture barrage :)

Pictures from my phone while I wait for Chris & Izzy at the recycling depot:

The other day, I was talking with my friend Scott on being addicted to YouTube. I have this closet addiction to Michele Phan and her makeup tutorials. I ended up trying her lip plumping tutorial and pretty much regretted it instantly. My lips are already pretty plump lol!

Okay... I didn't regret it, but It was definitely uncomfortable. They were massive!

On another note, I love this. I'm not sure if I'll ever have the guts to do this, but I love it. It's me. :)

Lovely.

My friend Maria posted this pic on Instagram that made me have warm fuzzies. 

I love it because it's true. :)

I could be Mikasa Ackerman! ;)

the littlest Schnerg & Mama

Izzy my bee <3

The queen sized bed in their room:

K enough photo dumping! :)

One of those days...

Maybe it's selfish, but sometimes I really don't want to 'tank' life. 

For the past few days, it's been the first time in a while where I've been super motivated to do things again. I know it sounds crazy, but stress makes people lazy! Okay, maybe lazy isn't the word - but I've been battling being lethargic. 

My kids are such a motivator. They DON'T stop so I can't really. I'm blessed to have that motivator when I can't provide my own motivation sometimes. 

Chris and I had a fight last night - again. It didn't even need to happen. 

M: I was sad

C:  He asked what I needed

M: I told him to just 'be there' by literally laying next to me and hearing me.

C:  He laid beside me and proceeded to lecture me, leading into unintentionally telling me what I should be doing.

M: I snapped. "Why the fuck are you telling me what to do, yet again? I'm looking for comfort."

C: He got upset that I was even upset to begin with and made it his problem (unintentionally).

M: This made me more upset. "Thank you for reminding me WHY this isn't working."

C: He used the separation card on me. "You need to go to California (without the kids) and figure out your priorities."

M: Seriously? You're going to threaten to send me away? Because I'm sad and don't agree with you? 

I took a breather and commenced round 2 (long story short): 

M: I explained why I was upset. "You asked me what I needed. I told you exactly what I needed. You didn't do what I needed and proceeded to unintentionally put me down."

C: Agreed

M: "This is why we need to come up with a plan B, because I know that you don't intentionally mean to do any of this - but it still effects the kids and I. If this doesn't improve, we need to provide a better situation for the kids. I need to hear that you'll be supportive of whatever it takes."

C: "I'm sorry. If this doesn't improve soon, then you can take the kids with you to California."

- - -

The point being, we're working on it. It sucks big time. I don't know what will happen a month from now nevertheless next year. All I can do is plan for short term goals and short term resolutions. My life is a cluster fuck of a mess right now and I'm doing my best to shield my children from as much of it as possible. It's never been so hard for me to sort out what the right course of action would be - ever. 

Maybe that saying is right, "God only gives you what you can handle."

Why do I feel like I can't handle this?

I need to get my shit together, seriously.

- - -

I got to level 30 last night on my warrior. It's about the only thing I seem to have full control over in my life. I don't want to have control over everything - I don't even care. I just NEED consistency of some sort and that is the ONLY place at the moment where I can produce consistency. I can't go from being a child of routine type A personality, to just fly by the seat of my pants. It's not scary to go there - it's irritating. Maybe it's the OCD, I'm not sure. I hate not having plans. It feels so irresponsible and lazy. There is a level of adaptation and compromise that I can live with - but flying by the seat of my pants makes me lethargic.

God I need better coping tools. Smoking and video gaming are contributing to the lethargy.

- - -

I spent the morning comforting Chris because he was still affected by last night's discussion. Yes, I spent the morning comforting him over something that I was sad about last night. I'm not going to resentment - I'm not even going there. I'm just venting because this is where we are right now. I'm being the bigger person and TRYING to find the "atta girls" from it. I'm trying to find some positivity in anything that I do - because anything randomly can irritate him and cause him to be distant. 

Yes, I'm doing my best to not trigger him to go "behind the wall" or "into the pit". It's all bad for everyone at that point.

- - -

I proposed that we go out to dinner tonight. There's this place called "Fatburger" in town. Hahaha, I know it sounds disgusting, but it's actually supposed to be really good. :) There's a groupon-coupon for it this week so I figured that we could try it out. It's too "thick" with drama at home and I can't breathe.

I know he needs love. I'm trying to give it to him. It's just hard when he pushes it away, is mean about it, or doesn't respond well when I need love. 

I know right? WTF. You give him love and you get nothing in return. I know. It's the story of most of our relationship. His fault or not - I'm not weighing it against him. I just want him to improve.

- - -

I feel like this post was entirely bitching about him. That wasn't the intention. I needed a safe place to vent because I don't get that option as much anymore. My freedom is slowly increasing (he's giving me more allowances day to day). We're working with the therapists regularly and I am noticing change. He hasn't been as emotionally abusive (intentionally) and I'm trying not to retaliate. I'm not good at sharing "my feels" that well and he's gotta work on being open to anything that isn't "happy".

C: "So you want me to just shut up and hear everything you have to say and nod."

M: "I need you to ACCEPT, AFFIRM, and VALIDATE me. I don't need a lecture. I don't need coercion. I need someone to tell me that everything is going to be okay and that we're doing the best we can."

C (Very frustrated): "I was just trying to tell you that it's a CHOICE to TRUST. I just CHOSE one day to trust you."

M: "I didn't ask for you to give me any solutions. I know what options I have."

C: "So it goes back to, I'm not allowed to tell you anything."

M: "You can ask me! You can ask me instead of talking AT me. 'So, I was in a very similar situation, would you mind my input?' Then I can choose whether or not I can handle that in the moment. It's being respectful."

C: "So I have to ask permission to tell you things."

M: "It's not a matter of permission. It's inappropriateness. You shouldn't ever talk AT me. You should talk with me, hear what I'm saying, and provide comfort (or whatever I'm needing) for me - just like I do for you. Otherwise you come off as a condescending asshole!"

At this point, he understood and was apologetic.

- - -

It's hard not to want to hide and bury my head in the sand. It's hard to be more trusting. It's hard to be present. It's hard to be kind, gentle, and compassionate. It's hard to be loving.

I'm determined, though. 

He doesn't have to have a plan, or plans, but I can. I can have my own plans. I can continue my Plan A, Plan B, Plan C-Z. I guess it took me a little while to figure that out. 

- - -

Gotta do the admin scanning for his work. 

xo

M

30.

15 levels the first day, 5 levels the 2nd, then 10 the 3rd. Not bad?

I'm never tanking. LOL Slam is too much fun.

Fun Stuff

Fun stuff note: I had some fun with friends on WoW lately.

Frank has wings that match his outfit. I'm not jealous - honestly! They just look badass. He deserves it (as much time as he freakin' puts into that game). I swear, he's probably got 400 days on his account. Just as a comparison, I think I have about 35 days, hahahahaha.

I've been playing with my friend Abeer lately. He's leveling up his 2nd Warrior. WHY? I have no idea. I still can't grasp the concept of banging your head against the wall for the 2nd time. NO offense, warriors - but the lack of ranged action makes my brain hurt sometimes. Anyway, I always have the most humorous times playing with him. 

Like this instance, we went to BRD...or was it LBRS...I can't even remember now. Of COURSE we got super lost in trying to do his quest. If that wasn't worse, after we finished his quest, we locked ourselves 'in' this area. We couldn't get out. Yeah, I don't know - it's been a while since we've both been there. Our solution was to kill ourselves. EASY FOR HIM. Jumping in the lava did shit all for me because my health regeneration would counter act the stupid 591 damage that the lava would do. What's even worse is that I couldn't remove my clothes because of a lack of inventory space. LAME!! I had to drown to death. Do you know how retarded it is for a warlock to drown to death? We have underwater breathing for the love of God. Hilarity. Seriously, my sides were aching.

Then this cutie pie (or not LOL) found his way onto my screen as we were pulling random shit. A DOOMFORGE DRAGOON. WTF!? I stood there and let him beat on me as I screenshotted. Abeer just teased me saying, "I thought you had a thing for plate wearers. That guy's a bald dwarf!" It's the fact that I've never freakin' seen a Dragoon in the history of World of Warcraft. THAT is crazy town. Dwarf or not, it was cute to see. <3

Okay after banging my head against the wall forever (in rushing Abeer through old ass instances where we both didn't know where we were going), I proceeded to level my own warrior. YES, more head banging commenced as I was JUST shy of 20. I finally couldn't take it anymore out of sheer boredom and Neil (Conin) asked me to raid. I said I couldn't but asked if he wouldn't mind rushing me instead. :) He came on his 45 rogue from No Moo, just for old times' sake. :)

Then there was this lovely lady a few days ago. Vereesa Windrunner. A friend of mine, Andy (Anday, not Sol) has been in love with this chick for as long as I can remember. He even made a druid named Virisa after her. Like seriously man? She's not that hot, LOL. Tyrande>Vereesa anyday. Tbh, ANY of them, Sylvanas, Alleria, Azshara, Tyrande are all > Vereesa. Not hatin' just sayin'!

Visiting my BF Illidan, LMAO. No not really. He's probably my favorite baddie in the game... well right next to Medivh, I guess. Demon Hunter + Demonologist = <3.

AND YES, the curse has returned, with a vengeance.

 

But at least I got Ashkandi. <3 At this point, I don't even know if it really made a difference THAT much to have it at the first try, but i still do <3 it.



The bitterness grows as my hunter in 500ilvl (basically) can do a fucking 100k dps (basically) without trying, LOL.

While my warlock >___> can manage to go down in dps...regardless of my new set bonus. It's okay, I've accepted my badness. Maybe it's time to move on (chyea right).

This is the only fun part (involving dpsing as my lock right now). AAAAAAND it's not even THAT fun LOL when you've got hunters that do the same or more. Here is aoe dps. I'm dead. Yes, the tank and offtank decided to let the paladin and I (who were aoeing - and told to) tank our own shit. I'd be more bitter about shitty tanks, but seriously when you've got a million aoe dps going on between 2 people, I don't really blame them. 

And then there's this. I don't really count it, but I guess I should. Single target heroic dps. It is an upgrade, but I hardly see those numbers in raids so it doesn't really matter. 

k I better log on before I convince myself never to play her again out of sheer spite.

xo
M