One of those days...

Maybe it's selfish, but sometimes I really don't want to 'tank' life. 

For the past few days, it's been the first time in a while where I've been super motivated to do things again. I know it sounds crazy, but stress makes people lazy! Okay, maybe lazy isn't the word - but I've been battling being lethargic. 

My kids are such a motivator. They DON'T stop so I can't really. I'm blessed to have that motivator when I can't provide my own motivation sometimes. 

Chris and I had a fight last night - again. It didn't even need to happen. 

M: I was sad

C:  He asked what I needed

M: I told him to just 'be there' by literally laying next to me and hearing me.

C:  He laid beside me and proceeded to lecture me, leading into unintentionally telling me what I should be doing.

M: I snapped. "Why the fuck are you telling me what to do, yet again? I'm looking for comfort."

C: He got upset that I was even upset to begin with and made it his problem (unintentionally).

M: This made me more upset. "Thank you for reminding me WHY this isn't working."

C: He used the separation card on me. "You need to go to California (without the kids) and figure out your priorities."

M: Seriously? You're going to threaten to send me away? Because I'm sad and don't agree with you? 

I took a breather and commenced round 2 (long story short): 

M: I explained why I was upset. "You asked me what I needed. I told you exactly what I needed. You didn't do what I needed and proceeded to unintentionally put me down."

C: Agreed

M: "This is why we need to come up with a plan B, because I know that you don't intentionally mean to do any of this - but it still effects the kids and I. If this doesn't improve, we need to provide a better situation for the kids. I need to hear that you'll be supportive of whatever it takes."

C: "I'm sorry. If this doesn't improve soon, then you can take the kids with you to California."

- - -

The point being, we're working on it. It sucks big time. I don't know what will happen a month from now nevertheless next year. All I can do is plan for short term goals and short term resolutions. My life is a cluster fuck of a mess right now and I'm doing my best to shield my children from as much of it as possible. It's never been so hard for me to sort out what the right course of action would be - ever. 

Maybe that saying is right, "God only gives you what you can handle."

Why do I feel like I can't handle this?

I need to get my shit together, seriously.

- - -

I got to level 30 last night on my warrior. It's about the only thing I seem to have full control over in my life. I don't want to have control over everything - I don't even care. I just NEED consistency of some sort and that is the ONLY place at the moment where I can produce consistency. I can't go from being a child of routine type A personality, to just fly by the seat of my pants. It's not scary to go there - it's irritating. Maybe it's the OCD, I'm not sure. I hate not having plans. It feels so irresponsible and lazy. There is a level of adaptation and compromise that I can live with - but flying by the seat of my pants makes me lethargic.

God I need better coping tools. Smoking and video gaming are contributing to the lethargy.

- - -

I spent the morning comforting Chris because he was still affected by last night's discussion. Yes, I spent the morning comforting him over something that I was sad about last night. I'm not going to resentment - I'm not even going there. I'm just venting because this is where we are right now. I'm being the bigger person and TRYING to find the "atta girls" from it. I'm trying to find some positivity in anything that I do - because anything randomly can irritate him and cause him to be distant. 

Yes, I'm doing my best to not trigger him to go "behind the wall" or "into the pit". It's all bad for everyone at that point.

- - -

I proposed that we go out to dinner tonight. There's this place called "Fatburger" in town. Hahaha, I know it sounds disgusting, but it's actually supposed to be really good. :) There's a groupon-coupon for it this week so I figured that we could try it out. It's too "thick" with drama at home and I can't breathe.

I know he needs love. I'm trying to give it to him. It's just hard when he pushes it away, is mean about it, or doesn't respond well when I need love. 

I know right? WTF. You give him love and you get nothing in return. I know. It's the story of most of our relationship. His fault or not - I'm not weighing it against him. I just want him to improve.

- - -

I feel like this post was entirely bitching about him. That wasn't the intention. I needed a safe place to vent because I don't get that option as much anymore. My freedom is slowly increasing (he's giving me more allowances day to day). We're working with the therapists regularly and I am noticing change. He hasn't been as emotionally abusive (intentionally) and I'm trying not to retaliate. I'm not good at sharing "my feels" that well and he's gotta work on being open to anything that isn't "happy".

C: "So you want me to just shut up and hear everything you have to say and nod."

M: "I need you to ACCEPT, AFFIRM, and VALIDATE me. I don't need a lecture. I don't need coercion. I need someone to tell me that everything is going to be okay and that we're doing the best we can."

C (Very frustrated): "I was just trying to tell you that it's a CHOICE to TRUST. I just CHOSE one day to trust you."

M: "I didn't ask for you to give me any solutions. I know what options I have."

C: "So it goes back to, I'm not allowed to tell you anything."

M: "You can ask me! You can ask me instead of talking AT me. 'So, I was in a very similar situation, would you mind my input?' Then I can choose whether or not I can handle that in the moment. It's being respectful."

C: "So I have to ask permission to tell you things."

M: "It's not a matter of permission. It's inappropriateness. You shouldn't ever talk AT me. You should talk with me, hear what I'm saying, and provide comfort (or whatever I'm needing) for me - just like I do for you. Otherwise you come off as a condescending asshole!"

At this point, he understood and was apologetic.

- - -

It's hard not to want to hide and bury my head in the sand. It's hard to be more trusting. It's hard to be present. It's hard to be kind, gentle, and compassionate. It's hard to be loving.

I'm determined, though. 

He doesn't have to have a plan, or plans, but I can. I can have my own plans. I can continue my Plan A, Plan B, Plan C-Z. I guess it took me a little while to figure that out. 

- - -

Gotta do the admin scanning for his work. 

xo

M

30.

15 levels the first day, 5 levels the 2nd, then 10 the 3rd. Not bad?

I'm never tanking. LOL Slam is too much fun.

Fun Stuff

Fun stuff note: I had some fun with friends on WoW lately.

Frank has wings that match his outfit. I'm not jealous - honestly! They just look badass. He deserves it (as much time as he freakin' puts into that game). I swear, he's probably got 400 days on his account. Just as a comparison, I think I have about 35 days, hahahahaha.

I've been playing with my friend Abeer lately. He's leveling up his 2nd Warrior. WHY? I have no idea. I still can't grasp the concept of banging your head against the wall for the 2nd time. NO offense, warriors - but the lack of ranged action makes my brain hurt sometimes. Anyway, I always have the most humorous times playing with him. 

Like this instance, we went to BRD...or was it LBRS...I can't even remember now. Of COURSE we got super lost in trying to do his quest. If that wasn't worse, after we finished his quest, we locked ourselves 'in' this area. We couldn't get out. Yeah, I don't know - it's been a while since we've both been there. Our solution was to kill ourselves. EASY FOR HIM. Jumping in the lava did shit all for me because my health regeneration would counter act the stupid 591 damage that the lava would do. What's even worse is that I couldn't remove my clothes because of a lack of inventory space. LAME!! I had to drown to death. Do you know how retarded it is for a warlock to drown to death? We have underwater breathing for the love of God. Hilarity. Seriously, my sides were aching.

Then this cutie pie (or not LOL) found his way onto my screen as we were pulling random shit. A DOOMFORGE DRAGOON. WTF!? I stood there and let him beat on me as I screenshotted. Abeer just teased me saying, "I thought you had a thing for plate wearers. That guy's a bald dwarf!" It's the fact that I've never freakin' seen a Dragoon in the history of World of Warcraft. THAT is crazy town. Dwarf or not, it was cute to see. <3

Okay after banging my head against the wall forever (in rushing Abeer through old ass instances where we both didn't know where we were going), I proceeded to level my own warrior. YES, more head banging commenced as I was JUST shy of 20. I finally couldn't take it anymore out of sheer boredom and Neil (Conin) asked me to raid. I said I couldn't but asked if he wouldn't mind rushing me instead. :) He came on his 45 rogue from No Moo, just for old times' sake. :)

Then there was this lovely lady a few days ago. Vereesa Windrunner. A friend of mine, Andy (Anday, not Sol) has been in love with this chick for as long as I can remember. He even made a druid named Virisa after her. Like seriously man? She's not that hot, LOL. Tyrande>Vereesa anyday. Tbh, ANY of them, Sylvanas, Alleria, Azshara, Tyrande are all > Vereesa. Not hatin' just sayin'!

Visiting my BF Illidan, LMAO. No not really. He's probably my favorite baddie in the game... well right next to Medivh, I guess. Demon Hunter + Demonologist = <3.

AND YES, the curse has returned, with a vengeance.

 

But at least I got Ashkandi. <3 At this point, I don't even know if it really made a difference THAT much to have it at the first try, but i still do <3 it.



The bitterness grows as my hunter in 500ilvl (basically) can do a fucking 100k dps (basically) without trying, LOL.

While my warlock >___> can manage to go down in dps...regardless of my new set bonus. It's okay, I've accepted my badness. Maybe it's time to move on (chyea right).

This is the only fun part (involving dpsing as my lock right now). AAAAAAND it's not even THAT fun LOL when you've got hunters that do the same or more. Here is aoe dps. I'm dead. Yes, the tank and offtank decided to let the paladin and I (who were aoeing - and told to) tank our own shit. I'd be more bitter about shitty tanks, but seriously when you've got a million aoe dps going on between 2 people, I don't really blame them. 

And then there's this. I don't really count it, but I guess I should. Single target heroic dps. It is an upgrade, but I hardly see those numbers in raids so it doesn't really matter. 

k I better log on before I convince myself never to play her again out of sheer spite.

xo
M

Recovery

It's been a while since I've last posted. I think it's due time.

I've been through a lot through the past few months. To be honest, I don't even know where to start.

This is probably a good song to summarize the events...

I know. In the End, by Linkin Park. Seriously? I mean out of all the cliche songs, why this one?

I've been in a tumultuous relationship for 6 year now. My significant other had been emotionally unavailable (among other things) due to issues that he's going through.

I know, lots of screwed up sadness crap that I really didn't mean to rehash, sorry. I made a post today on facebook:

"If I've learned anything from the mere 30 years of being alive...it's that life isn't ideal. Life can feel rough, critical, unbelievably unfair, neglectful, fruitless and slow. The reality is that satisfaction in life just takes a hell of a lot of effort & patience. Time heals heavy wounds (if you let them) and it goes by a lot faster once it's allowed to run its course. There have been a lot of negative posts lately (even I'm noticing them) on fb and as much as it's a train wreck that we all can't stop but look at, there is a flip side to all of it. Not saying that murderers, rapists, or abusers may deserve that compassion, but most people don't grow up aspiring to become this way. We could all benefit from more compassion, love, and understanding. Sorry /endrant lol!"

I guess this post is to vent, sorta. I need an unbiased place to vent and unfortunately, humans are fatally flawed and completely biased. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends and family dearly and appreciate their input, but people, you have no fucking idea what I'm going through - seriously. 

I'm not going to put down my husband. Despite his best efforts in doing retarded shit in the past, I won't heal by begrudgingly living life. It's not like I haven't had my fair share of retaliation. 

This is not an ideal situation. How facebook perfect it looks on the outside. We are NEVER in a fucking facebook perfection type of world. 

I post snippets of my life to share the awesomeness that happens on occasion. It's not like that everyday, but it is (or can be) often. It's a choice to live happier and to deal with the bullshit that comes our way better. It's a choice. 

- - -

My husband has been coping with Anxiety forever. I KNEW this going into the relationship. It's not his fault that I ran out of patience, compassion, and kindness. He may have contributed to all of it - but it's not his fault. I made a choice. In hindsight - there may have been better options for me but this is who I am. Maybe my OCD and rescuer complex are too OP (overpowered, it's a video game term) for my own good. 

I'm not making excuses for him or myself. I'm explaining why my life is a cluster-fuck of stress; Why I have ulcers at all. 

I got to this place by attempting to be myself again. I had covered up and hid who I was to cater to everyone else around me. It's what I always do. I'm THAT person. I'm that person with the massive rescuer complex that pleases everyone else around me aside from myself. When I get too lonely or miserable though, I break - just like every other human being. I just have a hell of a lot more patience than the average Joe. 

It basically ruined my relationship with him. I know, what? Being myself shouldn't ruin any relationship.

He had gotten comfortable just 'having' me. He had gotten to the place where he could basically treat me however he wanted because he KNEW, deep down, that because we have children and are settled (not to mention in a different fucking country), that he had the upper hand. As fiery of a person as I may come off on the outside, I can't say no (or have a very hard time saying it). It causes me to be subservient. Yeah I know, ME, subservient? WTF? Well, it's true.

I had gotten meek and many times, withdrawn from the world. His insecurities lead to my withdrawals. His introvertedness & anti-socialism, lead to my even more so 'walking on eggshells' whenever I'd want to do anything social. 

I know, how could a social butterfly turn regress back into a worm?

Easy, by not saying no.

- - -

I finally found solace in returning to World of Warcraft (among other games). I guess I found solace in gaming. I still do. 

In that though, I was able to cope by socializing with friends. THIS right here is the red flag. I'm not getting what I need at home, so I'm forced to look elsewhere for emotional support. I attempted to involve him more on what I needed at first, but he was never at a place where he could ever support me unconditionally. I don't honestly think he was ever at a place where he could even be present enough hear a short conversation. 

In the past, I blamed it on myself. I thought, what am I doing wrong that is preventing him from loving or connecting with me? That lead to a deep trail of insecurities. For all of those who know me, I usually have the average amount of girl insecurities, but for the most part, I've never really struggled with self worth or being insecure. I've always been 'awesome' and loved myself in my mind. This deep trail that I was on had changed me. How could I possibly be awesome or love myself if this is what I do to him? There wasn't anything I could ever do for or to him that would cause him to react negatively, but as you're learning the mental health process - none of these facts mattered at the time (or clicked in my mind for that matter). In my naive mind, I was the cause of his problems because he was taking them out on me.

What the fuck. Right? 

Don't get me wrong, I'm no angel. I can throw it right back at him with a vengeance. That wasn't a good cycle either. Him pursuing a fight and me retaliating in defense which would cause another fight (he was an avid pursuer) and another retaliation (I'm pretty god damned stubborn). 

Anyway, this vicious cycle lead to the crumbling of our marriage. We already were really different - and finding things in common were a struggle for us. Not to mention, I'm fucking 2000 miles away from family and friends (emotional support). 

Why couldn't I just be more supportive? 

I was. I was really supportive and I'm fucking proud of how much I tried already. I am HUMAN. I get hurt like everyone else and I need emotional support & love like everyone else. This relationship is seriously lacking in both.

I ended up developing an emotional attachment to my best friend. He's always been there for me for 10 years and vice versa. A relationship had never came up in the past so nothing was ever on my radar until it landed on my lap. 

I know, It sounds like an emotional affair. It probably technically was one. I don't fucking know or bother caring. I own up to my own shit and despite what negative implications that may lay for me in the future, I'm a great fucking person and I make mistakes too.

Long story short, I broke things off with my best friend. It was coming to a place where I knew that my life wasn't going to change much (me not leaving this area, nor this marriage - as I legally couldn't). I'm not going to string people along just for the sake of coping with day to day life. For once in my life, I didn't feel bad for committing an error. For once, I had conviction in a fault where because of where I've been in the past 6 years, this is where I ended up. I'm not justifying anything or giving myself an out. I'm saying, I'm human and I was broken. My wonderful friend had fixed me and I was allowing myself to be selfish enough to let him.

Breaking things off with my best friend was (and still is) one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my life. It's hard to let go when you truly share so many things (freakishly) in common with someone and they understand and appreciate you for just being you. I've said goodbye to best friends in the past but never a soul mate best friend. I'm truly sorry and one day I hope he forgives me. 

Why did I choose this?

There are times in the day where I still ask myself this. It wasn't a matter of choice. It was a matter of where I'm at in life. My husband will NEVER part with his children and part of me expects him to fight for them. As much as the idea of freedom makes my heart soar, the idea that my also-broken husband fighting for his family gives me hope. 

I don't know what the right thing to do is. I'm fucking 30 and there isn't any one of my friends that have ever gone through what I'm going through. There isn't anything to compare this to. 

All I know is that I have to work with my limitations. I have to work with what I've got and make the best out of it for MY sake and the sake of my children. 

Lots of stuff in my life has changed and some things haven't changed.

I say NO. I've developed smoking again. I play video games when I'm not needed to cope. We're going to counselling 1-2 times a week as well as personal therapy sessions. Cancer sticks, I know. WHY???? Because it's an immediate stress reliever and I'm not big enough of a person to join a fucking gym just yet. 

I'd love to. I'd love to feel healthier and I'll get there. In the time being, I'm LEARNING how to cope. We're learning how to create a deeper bond. If things can't grow deeper, then we'll figure that out soon enough as well. Either way, I'm not a fucking quitter and I'm going to try. If my kids retain any negative stuff from me (which I know they already will/do) I'm teaching them to take that stubbornness and turn it into determination. 

Things are getting better & less awkward. Working at something this intense is never easy and I don't expect it to be. He's trying and I'm trying. That's all I can hope for.

- - -

So here I conclude my rant for today. I needed to let it out. There's so much more in this that I'm not getting into - because to be brutally honest, it isn't going to change anything. 

How hurt, how much abuse, how much effort, how much whatever. 

The bottom line is - I won't let it get there again. I won't. I can't for my own sake and the sake of my family. What I can do is take each day as it comes, give it my all, and be grateful for the blessings that come despite how little they are. 

xo

Michie

Quirky People

My husband and I are two peas in a pod. We're weirdos!!

No seriously, we met through a video game called World of Warcraft. I played a Gnome Warlock and he played a Human Mage. Both our characters are a type of class nicknamed as 'casters'. We basically are very similar and also the opposite.

Warlocks do damage over time. We are the epitome of consistency, accuracy, accountability, and reliability. We can project how much damage we will do - 10 bad guys before, and we plan for things well in advance. Warlocks are prepared. Warlocks also stand there and take damage (aka we nickname this "tanking"). We can handle a ton of crap thrown at us and usually are one of the most patient classes in the game. It is basically the project managers' dream class, considering the entirety of the gameplay revolves around managing your rotation of spells that provide the most damage output in the least amount of time with the highest survivability rate. Not to forget, that we also have to micromanage pets (and their skills) while doing all the rest of that stuff.

Mages on the other hand are glass canons. HUUUUUGE damage. KaBOOM damage, but hardly any damage over time. Their class is completely streaky. Literally, they rely on something called 'Proc', which stands for Programmed Random Occurrence  It basically is a 'chance on hit', based on probability and randomness. Mages even have a spell named, "Hot Streak" that allows them to do a crazy amount of damage in a short period time (a random occurrence). Mages are completely reactionary. If someone comes at them and they aren't prepared, they have spells that allow them to GTFO or literally go invisible. They don't "tank" anything or else they'd die in 2 seconds. There is hardly any need to manage any type of spell rotation. It's based on quick reactionary thinking. "Shit, there's a bad guy over there!" *BLAST IT!!!* "Yay, it's dead."

Anyway, I guess the reason why I brought that up is because my husband and I completely reflect our WoW characters in many ways. Maybe that's why we fell in love; Because we're so alike, yet so different. We both shot fireballs. Mine was a tiny fireball that burned my victim over time until they'd die a slow and painful death. My husbands was a big fireball that may or may not kill on contact (most times it would), but it'd for sure blast the bastard's face wide open.

- - -

Okay I'm getting to the point, lol really!

So like any other couple out there, we struggle with our marriage. No dealbreakers, really. Just the same ol' crap that any truly loving couple goes through.

We have annoying quirks that we can't stand sometimes. My husband seems to be the American military when it comes to emotions and I'm a vulcan, apparently. Spock is my brother from another mother.

Together, we magically balance each other out. Very well actually, but Jesus is it ever difficult sometimes.

- - -

We had a huge shit flinging contest a few mornings ago. No seriously, we don't really fight-fight much, but a few mornings ago, the gloves came off and we were spouting the most hurtful stuff. I know, what the f*ck, hey?

Ah, it's because we love each other. Not love like family and this is what we've chosen so suck it up kinda love, but deeply care about each other's well being & happiness.

Anyway, it got to a point where we didn't know what to do next. I just wasn't thrilled with the argument and didn't want to (for lack of a better description) "put up with that kind of shit again".

Chris asked if there was anything he could do to make things better.

I stewed about this for a while; 2 hours in fact.

We could have a divorce and be bloody drama queens about this, or we could be adults and work on our neglected relationship.

I asked him to sit down because I had something to say. He was very apprehensive because at this point, he's thinking it's the big D word.

I asked him if we could make a contract for our relationship. My catch was, if he wasn't up for doing this, then I would be leaving. We needed to make a rulebook.

I don't think I've ever seen him so happy to hear me say 'lets work on our relationship'.

So this is what we've got. It's called our post-it. It's named after Meredith & Derek Sheppard's vows from Grey's Anatomy. We have it as an 11x14. It will be framed and mounted on the wall in our bedroom so we can reflect upon it.

Yeah, we're weirdos!! We're the kind of people that have a constitution right next to our bed to keep the peace.

One day, I hope our kids see this and are proud of us for working on our marriage for our sakes and for theirs. :)

Jotting down my ideas before I forget.

Chris really supports my brainstorming, but he also doesn't really care to hear about it. It's okay - there are many things that he's interested in that I don't care much for, either. :)

Disregard this post if you're not into theoretical science. I had a dream last night and figured out theoretical cure for neurological diseases. I woke up this morning and researched the main parts of my dream and so far, the theory behind it seems sound.

- - -

First of all, the issue that I focused on was the effects of basal ganglia damage, i.e. head trauma, drug abuse, neurological (genetic or mutated) defects, death.

Basal Ganglia, is a section of your brain that's basically neighbours with your Cerebral Cortex & Thalamus. This big shot Mr. B Ganglia, is responsible for much of the chaos and order in our lives. He controls our habits and our habitual emotional responses. He's also the cause of our motivation or lack thereof.

Our Cerebral Cortex aka Carrie, is responsible for our memory, presence (in the now), awareness of surroundings, overall observance, among a ton of other important qualities.

the Thalalmus aka Miranda, lives down the street. She's a good friend of Carrie and speaks with her on a regular basis.

Anyway, Mr. Big, lives kiddy corner to Carrie & Miranda. He constantly flirts with Carrie and causes drama. Miranda tries to regulate him, but in the end of the day, his inherent habits and fears, cloud his emotional regulation and he ends up repeatedly flirting with Carrie. Most of the time this ends up in disaster, but with the right amount of regulation, Mr. Big & Carrie's relationship can be successful.

In science in our day and age, studying the relationship between Mr. Big and Miranda hasn't been as much of a priority. Scientists really don't know how much the Thalamus affects the Basal Ganglia.

Brainiacs are developing ideas of synthetic stem cell studies that 'rebuild' damaged areas of the brain from scratch. They're trying to reverse degeneration.

It sounds like a great step (whenever that step ever happens), although how realistic is this? If people repair sections of their brain that are deficient or essentially now new tissue, it's not like they're automatically going to be the same person they were prior to the brain trauma. Yes they're alive, but they're still not the same person.

My dream reflected upon taking more control of the 'manager' section of the brain, aka the Thalamus.

In engineering, most engineers (if time permits) will recode things from the root (or very close to) to create a more efficient (clean) program.

The whole philosophy of creating a more organized process of thinking should apply to the human brain as well. We can't recode the human brain, but we can stimulate the different sections of brain with synthetic chemicals to provide chemical balance. We do this all the time - with antidepressants, antipsychotics, and other ssris, etc.

Why not target specifically the Thalamus? Provide the thalamus with the appropriate chemicals to balance the brain as a whole? If the Thalamus is balanced, wouldn't it create a domino effect on the rest of the brain?

- - -

I wish I had a neurology professor I could ask!! :)

xo
-M

the Phases of Sadness, hehehe